Happy vs Happy

At what price do we use others to get what we want even when it will be fleeting?

Let me finish with this topic as my third post in an unplanned trilogy of posts including the Selfless is a Myth and Manipulation isDelusional. In these things are comments and thoughts in a big picture way about doing things or trying to avoid things out of personal desires and wishes. We make up convenient beliefs and manifestos that benefit what we want to try to manipulate others to fit us or the game of pretending to be a great submissive and especially slave one must be selfless. It still leads down to what I have written in my blog that sounds very confusing for someone who is the submissive in a power exchange relationship. What is the difference or is there a difference between wanting/needing the mistress to be happy out of just in general or because they make the slave happy and therefore want that to continue.

Splitting Hairs?

One of the ways Buddhists can discuss what love is about is to accept who we love for who they are and not what they do for us or anything else that in essence we objectify them. So for example a rich man loves his trophy wife because he enjoys making others envious of him a Buddhist would not consider that love. An examples of power exchange would be a mistress focused on how good the submissive’s domestic skills and wallet size might be or a submissive who is obsessed with being feminized by a mistress. If they love them mainly because they do this for them then one would not say they love them for who they are but what they do for me.

But, and some might already have had this pop into your heads, is not what another does somewhat key in how we feel about them and therefore the Buddhist point is just theoretical mumbo jumbo? Well it is often a great source of a debate when talked about that is for sure. But there are distinct differences and they lie in what I have been talking about in the previous posts.

Compatibility and realistic desires and intentions

The difference between loving someone for who they are and loving what they do and make us feel lies with compatibility and not forcing one or both to put on a fake mask in order to get what we desire and need. In other words a mistress may demand their slave do all the cooking and cleaning but if she does this just to act like a mistress or the slave hates and resents doing all of it but does it so he can get something he wants then one is not there out of love.

Now this is not about taking each and everything we do in life and assigning them in terms of want to do them or not do them and figuring out the reasons. After all everyone in life that has any empathy and limited resources such as time and money does things on more then a daily basis that we would prefer not doing and this includes things in our relationships. But what the Buddhist are asking is for a person to take a step back and think basically if I am only doing this because or if they were not to do that then would I type thoughts. Basically in short do we through our own means try to manipulate or use the other person to be something they are not in order to want to be with them or are we on the other side of this?

Force is one of those tainted words when we talk about power exchange. Because many that practice oppose the word as being scary and more likely do not actually have power exchange in their relationship. But of course many that do have power exchange in their relationship and force is a very good thing. It though still is about compatibility and the big picture in terms of when doing the things we find less pleasant in our lives and/or not in the moment feel but the responsibility is still on us is it for the greater good or does it slowly erode the greater good and build resentment with the other until the relationship crumbles. For many in power exchange of course this can be tricky as force, domination and suffering in the moment brings great pleasure overall and this includes dominants as well. For example having to lead and make decisions when we do not want to but know it is our responsibility to.

My point being when there are one way manifestos, unwillingness to accept the other person for who they are needs and desires included. When we suffer through with no benefit but just to get something, then we are not accepting the other for who they are but what we want from them. While one or two people can keep wearing the masks whether manipulated to put on or we wear voluntarily that only delays the inevitable that something is wrong and one or both are not accepting one or both for who they are but just what they can do for me.

How and where does this occur in power exchange relationships?

Where this occurs is what I have written about in this trilogy. It is when we regardless of role or gender decide to believe in one way truisms in order to manipulate people. It is the slave has only one need and that is to please and obey their owner. It is coming up with crazy ideas about long term chastity without any effort to torment, humiliate and focus on the chastity for a man that has a healthy sex drive because the dominant does not enjoy sex.  But submissives can be just as insincere and manipulative when they play the I wan that to or I think I can be this in order to get with anyone except trying for the right one.

How it occurs is simply often the case of too soon or too late. Whether a mistress wants her house cleaned so she jumps on the chance of a man that peaks her interest or whether a submissive looking for something kinky says anything and tries anything to get it then in both cases the other has objectified the other and have contaminated their judgment of the other. In terms of too late the most common is when a person from either roles wants to establish a relationship and have invested in the relationship to the amount of developing strong feelings but have not done any power exchange yet. At this time one or both have invested too much in the relationship leaving them vulnerable to wearing that fake mask in order to try to make the other happy.

For us to be happy in a long term healthy and loving relationship the only way is to be accepting of the one we are with for who they are. For those who choose to manipulate another that can range from delusional wishful thinking to abuse and for those who try to be something they are not in order to make the other happy is the yang to the former yin. We have a choice in the power exchange life just as we have a choice in any other relationship dynamic, to deal with the realities of a human being or be eternally frustrated, manipulating and lonely by projecting what we cannot maintain or think we can get someone else to.


Promise a more fun and upbeat post for the next time as I am tired of this area as much as some of you must be tired of reading it! 

Selfless is a Myth!

There was a Friends episode once where Phoebe and Joey went back and forth on the issue there is no such thing as a selfless act which was Phoebe’s contention. This is also mine with one disclaimer of something like risking one’s life for a complete stranger in a spur of a moment situation and things like that I would say are not totally selfless but to me are more like that then where you could put it anywhere else.

The big lie promoted by both dominants and submissives

“A slave needs to put all of their owners needs and desires ahead of their own” or sometimes seen in a more politically incorrect form “A slave only desire is to please their owner”.

As a doctor and one that has been very physically intimate with a few male submissives I hate to puncture this thought but the truth is a submissive human being is still a regular old human being. I personally have not found them to be altered to where they are naturally totally selfless human beings with just one need in their human body.

Why oh why is this idiotic thought practically everywhere where power exchange is discussed?

Because both roles love to communicate this! The reason my friends is one word, ego!

Dominants need to promote this between this is an idealized thought in a perpetual get out of jail free card that anything they do is right and good and enjoying the thought of a person who is so selfless in their devotion to me must make me awesome! But the fact is the real reason is many female dominants have deep flaws and/or often not remotely dominants as well. They need to have a theory to justify being selfish, crappy to another human being and not look in the mirror and see why another slave dumped them. So we see them promote this because if taken at face value means they are truly omnipotent in their relationship and cannot be the cause of anything wrong. That any slave in their ownership who complains or asks for things is not really a slave but a “do me” sub because they express a desire or need besides just serving their owner.

Then why do submissives let this idiotic thought go pretty much unchecked is an ego thing just like with dominants. It is pretty darn great to think of oneself as selfless in the grand old scale of how decent a human being I am. People in general and men especially love to rank themselves and my slave brought this to my attention. Men in this life absolutely adore thinking all the other men are losers and they are one of the few that is an actual submissive. This is why they do not trash foolish stuff like this and why femdom in cyber is so often this lame one note. 

A slave is not happy because they are serving on such a deep level to entertain thoughts of actually being selfless but a happy slave needs to serve deeply the one that makes them happy.

I just paraphrased this from what another blogger wrote that was sent to me awhile back. I am sorry I cannot give them credit as I have lost where it was from.

If I was a male submissive looking for a long term severe power exchange relationship I would make sure the mistress that owned me got this sentiment and did not buy into the slave is a selfless person sentiment.

There is no such thing as a selfless slave or a slave that only has one desire and need which is attending to their owner’s needs and desires. The fact is when we are fortunate enough as mistresses to be with a slave who needs to make our happiness their first and by farthest number one desire it is because we have made them happy and truly caring for us as a person. The slave’s zealot obedience and devotion is totally a selfish behavior from being happy, in love, needs and desires being met and wanting it to not change. Now this does take a slave to have a character trait of being unselfish but the truth is if they have gone so far in the relationship where the two people are happy in their power exchange relationship then that unselfishness has long since been proven.

Motivations are always personal

This goes to what I wrote above. Even slaves are strictly motivated by personal needs and desires. In ANY long term situation one need never ever consumes anyone, including a slave over other needs. Anyone who thinks or promotes this is just not very bright, not thought things through or is intentionally preaching it for self justifications that do not add up and pass the decent person test.

The best example I can use is when some female dominants preach a long term chastity situation on a slave and think that will make the slave transfer their sexual energy and focus to energy and focus on them. The fact is that can work in the short run but long run is idiotic. This is because if done in the long run it just becomes about a man not getting any sexual release as the thought and need of doing it for my mistress will fall back or be overtaken by other needs and desires. Anyone thinking a sexual drive from anyone with an average or above thinks that can be transferred long term someplace else or ignored altogether regardless of gender or role is one very delusional human being.

But if two people are compatible for long term chastity it will be because both get their personal needs met by it. For a slave with a sex drive it will not be obedience to get a release as long term renders that carrot meaningless. But for most male submissives long term chastity done in a way that is one long foreplay makes these men simply craving it. They are not transferring sexual energy into obedience but the chastity and how the dominant torments them sexually with it causes them to be so happy that their obedience and need to serve blossoms. The slave is not selfless but is in fact getting many needs, including their sexual ones, met.

Be careful of the mistress that truly thinks a slave should genuinely only need to obey and please their mistress. Quite simply the mistresses that think that do not have a clue or are so self esteem challenged they will suck a slave dry of energy and toss them aside because they are drugging themselves by delusional thinking that they are awesome because of how the man worships them.

Always keep your thoughts grounded in real life

All people in this life are regular human beings with the same desires and needs in terms of the fact we have many. People regardless of role or gender in this life who believe anything different are in trouble of going through this life frustrated and alone more often then not as they see one relationship burn out after another. The biggest things that make these relationships work are the same that make any other type of relationship dynamic work, MUTUAL effort and accepting a person for who they are and not just what you want from them. For femdom this is having to realize a female dominant must put effort into the relationship and remember, deal and care that their other will have other needs besides making them happy. For a submissive this means stop buying into the hype they must be selfless and then see a relationship blow up in their face when some needs are not being met and directly or indirectly they get acted upon.

It is the happy slave who is obedient and lives to serve and not a slave just lives to serve.

I will end with a personal example

I am so far from a perfect person it is a complete joke. I am controlling, sadistic and so left brained I average at least once a day another human being scratching their head or upset with me because I come off cold because I say something all from the brain and not filtered by my heart. That is just the start of the list. But I try not to be selfish.

My slave Dave and I live forty-five minutes apart. I could do what cyber female dominants often project what a female dominant do and never pop into my car and drive to him. I mean after all he should only be about making my life easier and better. But in real life we have a real relationship and why so many in cyber are either single in perpetual search or given up have a real loving long term relationship and choose a long string of casual use the men up and toss them aside. We are at a stage that just on weekend seeing each other does not work and especially so if I have to work one or two days.

I could order him to come down and he would be willing to once or twice a week to visit me when he gets off work and then has to drive back to be at work the next morning. It would be easiest for me. But this would also burn him out and make him less happy in the relationship and that could spell doom which would be tragic if that was to be the main reason the relationship ended. But I drive up to him on days off during the week I have not out of selflessness but in wanting the relationship to work and making sure I have a happy slave and not a put upon slave. Because it is not all about me but all about us based on personal needs and desires getting met and that touch of magic that draws two people together. It is reality and not fantasy justified by idiotic theory that often dooms a relationship.

For the Right Reasons Part II

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

Submissives motivation and passion

Often when the put down “do me subs” is mentioned it can feel like people think that most males identifying as being submissives are a bunch of con artists intentionally trying to scam a female dominant into kinky sex with them. But the fact is often the male submissives are not do me subs at all but just poorly communicate what they are about and motivated by. But of course there are still plenty of men that will try to portray themselves as submissives to get kinky sex but they will never last past any halfway wise mistress in the getting to know each other phase of a relationship. Why? Because they have no ability to show the motivations behind what a submissive man is about.

Here are a few motivations and personality traits that I have found quite common in significantly submissive men. I do not mean that this is a set list or must have everything listed deeply but I do believe most submissives have these things in some degree.

1) Strongly desire the one they care for is happy in a frequent, direct and clear way. Generally when we love and care for someone we of course all strongly desire and often wish to do just about anything to make them happy if we can. But the truth is while we can state something like that and pass a lie detector test most of us on the planet while really do desire our other to be happy the do anything is not quite there as we tend to use some proportional balance. In other words, if a person has a crappy week ahead of them they are usually not feeling the desire to go out of their way in that week to make sure their other is having a really great week. But submissive people tend to want if they can their other happy no matter or not tying into how they are at the moment. Please note this is very different then never needing to be happy or have personal desires other then this fulfilled.

Direct and clear is important because it personalizes them and they know for sure and it will sooth second guessing. Submissive men tend to be overly sensitive to what their owner is giving them in terms of clues of how they are feeling or wanting. A mistress can get a ton of great relationship fuel with well placed compliments on the slave’s services.

2) Hate ambiguity and see power exchange as a way to clearly define things and communicate them directly. A man with a submissive personality and naturally defers and in at least some way spoils the woman he is with is just then logically going to tend to be pushed away from cryptic messages, non communication and all the other things many women do that avoids directly stating what we are wanting and feeling. A submissive man though will gravitate and just go nuts over a woman that can be direct and they see femdom being a great chance for that.

This does not just go to specific moments or things but also an outline of what is expected of them. Men simply just do not respond to always doing A then finding out their other is mad at them because they should of figured out by the way they were acting they should have done B that time.

3) Desire a strong sexual atmosphere in the relationship. First one disclaimer, you can find men who are asexual or with very low sex drives but for the 99% of them this one is a big motivation.

One of the biggest misconception females have about men and this is especially true with submissive men is their genuine attention toward sex in their brain is not just about the number of times they can orgasm and trying to do just that. What men often are doing when they have sex on the brain is enjoying the thoughts that are included and how their body reacts when they are enough to get blood flowing into their second brain. Why this is a motivation for a submissive is because what I just wrote crosses with how men have been trained in society and that is a happy woman is a sexually affectionate woman. So combine all of that up and sexuality within the relationship is important to the submissive man because they can have sex on the brain and get the needed clues of their woman happy because she is being sexual in someway. Again this does not mean sexual acts but we are talking about winks, what is being worn, how we order them to do something and on and on.

It is this one that can fail many female dominants not actually cut out for female domination and many genuinely submissive men sink themselves by acting too much like a “do me” selfish bottom only submissive. Because men have sex on the brain and because submissive men want to please and see their mistress happy that this has to be on display in the relationship otherwise the submissive is not getting their needs that fuel the obey and deeply submissive desires and behaviors.

Many men wander into power exchange and focus on the sexual aspects for an actual reason other then they are just dogs. They do so because they have felt hurt, confused and betrayed in regular relationships often with what I have written, sexual atmosphere is a sign of a happy and loving atmosphere to them. Why is this well think through it logically. A submissive man does not turn into a submissive man when he first learns about power exchange relationships but has been submissive in many ways in most or all of his serious relationships. The man tends to defer to and spoil the woman he is with but if that is the yin the man is expecting the yang and when he does not get it is then when negative feelings build and the relationships tend to blow up.

So what is the submissive man wanting/yang? Why of course the woman expressing her love an appreciation in a sexual and affectionate way. But what can often actually happen is the woman takes being deferred to and spoiled the other way and begins to take the man for granted. So for example what the woman might have worn sexy bras and panties gets replaced with boring and unattractive bras and panties because they are more comfortable. But to the man what is being communicated is I care less about you now. Now for an average man that can be fine as they do similar things as well but for the submissive man he doing things and needs consideration back. If you think this is all far fetched, just think in your life or have seen other couples in action. Which gets a male to jump and obey a woman, just barking out an order or request or a woman who asks for the same thing but has some sexuality in it by her body language or how she phrases it?

So submissive men latch onto femdom and see all the sexual and kinky things and can tend to obsess over them and come off as a “do me” submissive when in fact they could be wonderfully submissive men.

Passion for the power exchange is the fuel that makes the power exchange relationship go and not crash and burn.

Besides the thought of wanting a power exchange relationship merely for a specific end thing(s) or a natural byproduct which of course can mean a lack of passion, there is still a difference between someone with no passion for power exchange and someone that is truly passionate about it. If the dynamic itself does not simply bring a joy to the person in it, hopefully because of compatibility often by what I have written in the motivations, then most of the work it takes to live the dynamic will be too much and cause one or both people to give up. This is why I am extremely skeptical of a female dominant who expresses her interest in femdom by always commenting on specific things. If one has a joy to femdom then ones first thoughts would not describe someone cleaning their house.

This relationship dynamic is not remotely different then any other relationship dynamic when it comes to effort and sacrifice in terms of no matter your role commitment and devotion to another human being requires those two things. When we do things in our relationships that do not bring us the joy but we do out of needing to be done we rely on our passion for our other and this certainly includes how we live. If there is no passion for the dynamic and/or you cannot fuel your passion by things done in the relationship which are usually the kinky and sexual ones then no desire for what is the end product will save you from failure. Often when you here about the dynamic puttering out between two people that have genuine feelings for each other it is because one or both just do not have the passion.

So the next time talking to your potential other mistress or submissive get a feel for much they enjoy the dynamic compared to if the only thing they talk about is specific things. People cannot hide the passion for something when they are talking about it.

For the Right Reasons Part I

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

In a rough guesswork estimate I think fifty percent of the profiles I read on the personal site I was/am on were people from both genders and roles where it was clearly evident that their motivation to seek another was not for the right reasons but to get some end thing they wanted and think a power exchange relationship will provide. These are the dominants who could only communicate in wanting domestic service, being spoiled and a better financial life. These are the submissives that only communicate in wanting to be feminized, cuckold and other things that were mostly kinky sexual things. Now there is nothing wrong with desiring such things, but where they are wrong is when they underestimate what is needed in power exchange part and discredit the effort and other person to be involved to claim their one dimensional prize.

Being a dominant or a submissive in a significant power exchange relationship should never be motivated by what you get out of it in terms of the byproducts and end results. People that have successful relationships measured in long term fit the life and have the motivation and passion for what the life is and how it makes them feel and that over time generates all the fun byproducts.

Dominants motivation and passion

I have little respect for another dominant which all they can communicate basically wants to be spoiled and that a good submissive male will only care about their desires. These women are almost always just motivated by the desire for an easier life and think calling themselves dominant and finding a submissive male to have a power exchange relationship will accomplish that. Again anytime one communicates in this life motivations that are nothing more then a series of specific things then the reality of it is that they are only just focused on those things.

I cannot know all the good motivations a person has for calling themselves dominant and wanting a power exchange relationship. I do know most that I have met and are or have been in long term relationships tend to have the following strong desires and personality traits that make motivations fit for a long lasting and healthy power exchange relationship:

1) Desire for control. This often gets downplayed where in fact you will rarely hear or read about it except for when people speak out against over controlling (abusive) or not wanting to or be micromanaged. I would say this term is treated much the way the term sadism is thrown around, very carefully. I believe for control though the reason is simply dominants in today’s world, at least in cyber, seem to have a desperation to project themselves as perfect human beings. That they seem to love to try to take any well viewed character trait and make it like they have a monopoly on it. The need for control is considered a negative trait for most people and therefore we must not mention it.

But the fact is almost any dominant wanting some sort of significant power exchange relationship wants/needs to be able to control their slave. It does not have to be 24/7 and every action but they have to have the right to have the ability to control certain to many situations and things. This goes to a common insecurity and anxiety thing in them. I will give myself as an example of a person that is controlling. The level of control I exude most of the time is not really noticeable in day to day routine things a couple would do but put me in unknown or stressful situations you will see me quite clearly seek out control.

The reason why this is often an important trait to have is simply because a slave you own in that severe power exchange is not wanting but often needing to know what you as a mistress wants from them whether direct or just how going about day to day life in general. A mistress who has no natural need to control things will often make a slave feel lost and therefore struggle if all they ever get from their mistress is words and vibe that communicate “I don’t care” or “I don’t know”.

2) Have a well thought out desire in how they want to live. Dominants lead and submissives follow it is as simple as that and a dominant that has no actual vision outside of some perks and not wanting to argue and negotiate everything in their relationship just will not cut it. The ignorant and foolish in this life think a submissive is born to just have to submit and make their dominant needs take priority over their own, but that is not the case. A slave will have to put those needs in that order and obey out of caring for their owner and being inspired by how their owner wants to live. Just getting a slave and then what will more often then not fail because the relationship will quickly fall into a regular one or even worse the mistress looking at the slave and hoping they have an idea.

3) The ability, desire and willingness to make the effort when not feeling it to be a take charge leader in the relationship in the amount equal to the amount of power you want in the relationship. Show me regardless of role or gender a person waxing about how a slave should be able to anticipate their owner’s needs and be able to do anything in ways to make their owners like easier and I will show you a person in a faux power exchange relationship or is just totally clueless.

Submissives and especially male submissives who desire significant power exchange relationships are not drawn to this life just to get kinky sex or to serve and please a woman. Quite simply they can do that in any regular relationship. There is no shortage of regular women who would allow a man to spoil them, put them first and on and on. No, what is a huge appeal to a person with a strong submissive personality is the freedom of knowing directly and specifically what they are doing makes their loved one happy. But guess what? That has to be communicated directly and the dominant actually has to come up with what they want!

By far and away when I see female dominants lose men that I knew to be quite submissive the lack of this was always a big reason. Many a profile and message board post I see quite clueless and ignorant female dominants that simply do not get this, can do this or want this. They almost always describe what they want is an alpha man that will read their minds and desires and do things they want and hope to do and get. But we call these relationships femdom and female led for a huge ass reason because that is what both people are supposedly wanting. Leadership and domination require decisiveness, assertiveness, inspiration, setting specific goals and willingness to impose one’s will on another. If the idea of the dominant for leadership is for the male slave to initiate everything with limited or no direct communication and orders that are specific in nature and for them to be pleased or displeased then that dominant will be always looking for a new slave.

A basic example/test: A clueless dominant will not make a decision, seek constant approval or worse expect the submissive to plan a Saturday night out. A dominant that tells their slave what they are going to do, how they are going to do it and when they are going to do it will make the slave happy and obey with zeal.

4) Must have a thick skin and/or some sadism in you. Forget all the poetry bull shit people put out on the web. Forget all the false projection of fairytale bliss that active couples like to project their relationships to be. The simple fact a slave in a 24/7 situation will not live 24/7 and have pleasure in doing everything that they do for the dominant. A dominant who can be bothered because they do not want or cannot do and order things on their dearly loved slave because they know or the slave clearly communicates no fun simply will not be able to dominate the slave and the slave will actually resent them for it.

At the core of many a slave if not all is the desire for their beloved owner to truly be happy and do what they want. A slave forced to suffer at times in various forms from mundane to kinky is actually needed by the slave because it shows them their owner is actually doing just that. Plus when a dominant does a nice and generous thing for their slave it is exponentially appreciated because it is not a barter thing but out of genuine affection. An owner who only thinks of themselves and totally disrespects and is dismissive of their slaves own desires and needs outside of to serve them will often abuse this and lose their slave. All of this may sound like a fine line but it really is not. It just takes compatibility, love and a person that is mentally healthy and of decent character which are not special but needed in any type of relationship.

In part two I will talk about the motivations and traits that make for a successful submissive and talk about the importance of having a passion for the life.