One Size Does Not Fit All

We must be honest with ourselves and seek out the right type and way to go about it or we are just wasting time and treating people we get involved with like crap.

Despite what most dominants project they are not all one size fits all and capable of doing anything and owning anyone. Often this is projected into personal manifestos of how this life should be lived or what a true dominant and submissive is. But the fact is a long time local community star and teacher of seminars might have no ability other then doing top stuff and just because a dominant is searching for a slave does not mean they are a fit for an M/s relationship.

Despite having three types of roles for a submissive, bottom, submissive or slave the bickering over agreed definitions often fueled by thinking others judge them by it is best to be a slave and worse to be a bottom.

But what I find truly tragic is most of this bickering and debating does not help anyone become self aware to what they fit best and will be happiest in terms of a dynamic that fits into the life we all read, write and talk about. But what I find very irresponsible and just plain selfish and thoughtless is how the lack of knowing what dynamic the person wants then gets combined with people who are that way and only will entertain the thought of power exchange things after they have established a relationship and have genuine affectionate feelings for the other.

Why is that? Because it is totally discounting the other person by basically demanding that what ever type of dynamic fits you must then fit them.

The best way for anyone to find their other for a long term happy and healthy relationship is knowing what you are about and going to need in a relationship and THEN finding a compatible person to spend the rest of our lives with. It really does not matter how this is done except for pretending you are moral and just in only seeking out your one before knowing what dynamic you fit best. No politically correct words like “exploring” substituting for “I have no clue” with someone you love and basically emotionally blackmail them. Want less internal thought and self awareness and more trial by trying then be honest and seek out casual nothing serious relationships to “explore”.

Here are samples of the types of relationship dynamics people have that populate the power exchange world in general from cyber to local communities. I list them somewhat trying to go for from no actual power being exchanged to total power exchange in a 24/7 way.

Disclaimer: The best relationship two people can have is one that is healthy, happy, loving and fulfilling to both people period. Nothing else matters and this includes how much power exchange is in your relationship, what both of you call it does not matter compared to anyone else on the planet and what others think to call it. The four biggest mistakes people make when searching out their one in one of these dynamics is: 1) Like written above not being on the same page before feelings and a relationship has been established, it forces one or both not to be themselves. 2) Thinking the closer you are to 24/7 TPE the better or cooler person you are and that is some goal to have. Your life and your relationships should not be some part of a mythical contest with the prize of fleeting self esteem boost. 3) Do not think you can do something that does not appeal to you or is part of your natural personality to get what you are really wanting. Do not try to find a 24/7 slave but have no energy or desire to be an assertive alpha in your relationship most of the time. 4) Creating manifestos and theories that magically fit all “real” and “true” people into roles that fit your desires. This is often the case for people who seek out something of the extreme minority like 24/7 fully committed relationship but no sex for the other for example.

1) One specific kink is basically the only main draw. Basically you seek someone out for one main kink. Maybe you want to be forced feminized on an ongoing basis. Maybe you just want to be cuckolded. Even a dominant looking only for a domestic servant falls into this category. There is nothing wrong with just wanting these and the biggest problem is then trying to be something you are not to get it or come up with ludicrous theories of your counter part to think most calling themselves in the other role should fit. These would be things like “a real slave should only be concerned about pleasing their owner” or “a mistress should always feminize her submissive”.

2) A regular relationship with top/bottom fun. Basically a regular relationship where two people do kinky things for fun and are all about equal and enjoyable and has no power exchange in it outside of appearance at the time something maybe happening. You will see many people in local communities and national shows to be of this type. Biggest problem for people like this is often trying to be more then this to get this.

3) Agreed upon rigid roles within the relationship with or without kinky things but no actual power exchange happening. For my money by far with not a close second for actual popularity within this life is this one but most like to infer to others and fool themselves that it is way more in terms of power exchange then it actually is. If one is looking for an alpha or a beta with a pretty clear idea of how they want to live but seem to run away from things like rules and rituals and punishments. These types are huge on using the word natural and never ordering or doing things that the beta does not feel like doing. Most common problems are betas looking for their alphas and think power exchange is always doing things happily, female betas wanting to be spoiled and not do domestic stuff in their relationship calling themselves dominant all the while still expecting to be treated like a beta but just spoiled rotten and alphas never wanting to be argued with and get their way but want to do nothing then be a normal person.

4) Bedroom submission only. People who enjoy power exchange often with kinky sex but only in their sex life and even then often only inside their actual bedroom. Anytime besides this, even outside their bedroom of their own home, they are normal. Again biggest problem is often a person trying to over reach out of thinking it would be cooler or make them better if they try for a more significant power exchange dynamic.

5) Time sensitive D/s. There are two types: 1) An aspect of a relationship where there is true power exchange but there are giant exceptions. So for example cuckolding but can only be done when the man agrees to when, how and who and can always say no. 2) Big role playing thing only done consistently or randomly but still done more then a few times some sort of actual power exchange. This can range from minute like bedroom only or be a time period of full blown 24/7 TPE. Things like a weekend doing M/s then Monday comes and it is back to regular couple.

6) A Domme/submissive relationship. Agreed upon areas in the relationship that are truly power exchange that both have committed to in a 24/7 way. Different from Master/slave in terms of overall scope and best by saying D/s it is easier to list what power has been exchanged then claiming total power exchange then listing a ton of limits and boundaries. People often meant for #3 but try for this can be the biggest problem often with the reason of expectation that everything ordered within the agreed upon area is suppose to be enjoyable and not yucky. Beware of the term “fair” and “not a doormat” getting tossed around a lot.

7) Mistress/slave 24/7/365 relationship. Power exchange on a major scope that is never turned off and can be felt as much 24/7 often when alone but almost always when together even when nothing is actually happening but normal people stuff. Basically different in terms of dynamic that it would be far easier to list limits and boundaries then to list what is included. Biggest problem and I wrote more down below is a submissive who thinks they can be a slave as they will judge individual things too constantly and reflect more on them then thinking about their owner. Owners biggest problem is failing to make a slave feel truly dominated and be an assertive leader most of the time even if not feeling it.

If you do not know or have no experience how to know the dynamic that fits you

I believe serious self reflection and effort into self awareness can make one know before spending even one second doing or researching this life with a near certainty what they are actually about. What most people do as it is common human behavior is we like to not limit ourselves. We as human when we limit ourselves often think that means we are not some mythical good enough or as good as others who can do that thing. Therefore we often do not do any serious self reflection and awareness and choose to concentrate on thinking about if we can and coming up with beliefs that can make us or think no one should. We too often never honestly ask ourselves what does it matter to me and what makes me tick?

The following are just some random things to think about if you try to decide what your best path is:

1) Excited or apprehensive. If in your own imagination the thought of something scares you as much or more then being excited by it should tell you something about if you are a fit for that. For example if you are thinking you want to be a slave but your thoughts are more filled with worries such as “losing yourself” you are probably better off in a lesser power exchange dynamic.

2) Thoughts about giving up or having control are delightful and think would be freeing or scare you. If the idea of having so much or so little control in your life scares you or excites you should be a huge clue. Most people that think or experience these aspects even a little bit will often have one big reaction. Those meant for power exchange of a significant scope will deeply enjoy one of those thoughts.

3) When not interacting with another do you only think in kink and maybe in only one kinky thing. If you add up the time you think about this life and what you think about it comes down to only kinky things and maybe one kinky thing then power exchange may not be for you at all and you just want someone that is kink compatible.

4) One of your big concerns about the energy it will require when thinking about a more significant type of power exchange? If you tend to have thoughts like no one can do this 24/7 or everything sounds so tiring then you probably do not get significant power exchange so it is not going to be for you. On the other hand regular relationships have drain you of energy and even in those the thought of control and less ambiguity whichever way would solve the energy draining then power exchange might be ideal for you.

5) Are you a submissive or a slave personality type? While I would never get involved with a debate in a public forum as everyone has an opinion on this and often some unhealthy self esteem through identity from their definition. I will on my blog. In my firm opinion these are not remotely the same nor can one go from one to another like many people who are submissive then claim to want to become a slave. Why? A submissive personality is centered like most people and that is a normal what I enjoy or is in it for me type thoughts and motivations. For example being ordered to wash the dishes would be enjoyable because you like being told to maybe out of not good normally at doing them in a timely manner or maybe when cuckolded you always are into how you feel and react to it. A person with a slave personality type has their other as their center naturally in a way they take pleasure and comfort knowing the other is happy and therefore that will make them happy. So in the same examples a slave is happy knowing their owner wants the dishes done now and not something else or enjoys the thought of their mistress have a great time getting fucked by someone else as much as personal thoughts about themselves.

In conclusion

There is no excuse for not doing your homework and figuring what type of dynamic is best for you. Even with no actual experience there is still no reason why you cannot get it narrowed down to what appeals to you and leaves you excited about it and what you do not like and scares you. The reason why is because most of it is universal themes that previous relationship experiences and just naturally seeing how you are in any type of relationship including with friends and family can point you in the right direction. We all know what drains us and what gives us energy when interacting with people. We all know if we are controlling people on some level or maybe defer to people most of the time.

But the one thing if you truly wish not to hurt people and think of yourself as a good person you should not do is venture into a relationship without thinking it through of what you want. Because to just enter a relationship and have feelings develop and think power exchange relationships are one size fits all for both dominants and submissives is selfish and immature. Doing this you can find your perfect match but you are also and more often then not probably going to get hurt, hurt the other person and have your whole relationship blow up in your face.

For the Right Reasons Part II

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

Submissives motivation and passion

Often when the put down “do me subs” is mentioned it can feel like people think that most males identifying as being submissives are a bunch of con artists intentionally trying to scam a female dominant into kinky sex with them. But the fact is often the male submissives are not do me subs at all but just poorly communicate what they are about and motivated by. But of course there are still plenty of men that will try to portray themselves as submissives to get kinky sex but they will never last past any halfway wise mistress in the getting to know each other phase of a relationship. Why? Because they have no ability to show the motivations behind what a submissive man is about.

Here are a few motivations and personality traits that I have found quite common in significantly submissive men. I do not mean that this is a set list or must have everything listed deeply but I do believe most submissives have these things in some degree.

1) Strongly desire the one they care for is happy in a frequent, direct and clear way. Generally when we love and care for someone we of course all strongly desire and often wish to do just about anything to make them happy if we can. But the truth is while we can state something like that and pass a lie detector test most of us on the planet while really do desire our other to be happy the do anything is not quite there as we tend to use some proportional balance. In other words, if a person has a crappy week ahead of them they are usually not feeling the desire to go out of their way in that week to make sure their other is having a really great week. But submissive people tend to want if they can their other happy no matter or not tying into how they are at the moment. Please note this is very different then never needing to be happy or have personal desires other then this fulfilled.

Direct and clear is important because it personalizes them and they know for sure and it will sooth second guessing. Submissive men tend to be overly sensitive to what their owner is giving them in terms of clues of how they are feeling or wanting. A mistress can get a ton of great relationship fuel with well placed compliments on the slave’s services.

2) Hate ambiguity and see power exchange as a way to clearly define things and communicate them directly. A man with a submissive personality and naturally defers and in at least some way spoils the woman he is with is just then logically going to tend to be pushed away from cryptic messages, non communication and all the other things many women do that avoids directly stating what we are wanting and feeling. A submissive man though will gravitate and just go nuts over a woman that can be direct and they see femdom being a great chance for that.

This does not just go to specific moments or things but also an outline of what is expected of them. Men simply just do not respond to always doing A then finding out their other is mad at them because they should of figured out by the way they were acting they should have done B that time.

3) Desire a strong sexual atmosphere in the relationship. First one disclaimer, you can find men who are asexual or with very low sex drives but for the 99% of them this one is a big motivation.

One of the biggest misconception females have about men and this is especially true with submissive men is their genuine attention toward sex in their brain is not just about the number of times they can orgasm and trying to do just that. What men often are doing when they have sex on the brain is enjoying the thoughts that are included and how their body reacts when they are enough to get blood flowing into their second brain. Why this is a motivation for a submissive is because what I just wrote crosses with how men have been trained in society and that is a happy woman is a sexually affectionate woman. So combine all of that up and sexuality within the relationship is important to the submissive man because they can have sex on the brain and get the needed clues of their woman happy because she is being sexual in someway. Again this does not mean sexual acts but we are talking about winks, what is being worn, how we order them to do something and on and on.

It is this one that can fail many female dominants not actually cut out for female domination and many genuinely submissive men sink themselves by acting too much like a “do me” selfish bottom only submissive. Because men have sex on the brain and because submissive men want to please and see their mistress happy that this has to be on display in the relationship otherwise the submissive is not getting their needs that fuel the obey and deeply submissive desires and behaviors.

Many men wander into power exchange and focus on the sexual aspects for an actual reason other then they are just dogs. They do so because they have felt hurt, confused and betrayed in regular relationships often with what I have written, sexual atmosphere is a sign of a happy and loving atmosphere to them. Why is this well think through it logically. A submissive man does not turn into a submissive man when he first learns about power exchange relationships but has been submissive in many ways in most or all of his serious relationships. The man tends to defer to and spoil the woman he is with but if that is the yin the man is expecting the yang and when he does not get it is then when negative feelings build and the relationships tend to blow up.

So what is the submissive man wanting/yang? Why of course the woman expressing her love an appreciation in a sexual and affectionate way. But what can often actually happen is the woman takes being deferred to and spoiled the other way and begins to take the man for granted. So for example what the woman might have worn sexy bras and panties gets replaced with boring and unattractive bras and panties because they are more comfortable. But to the man what is being communicated is I care less about you now. Now for an average man that can be fine as they do similar things as well but for the submissive man he doing things and needs consideration back. If you think this is all far fetched, just think in your life or have seen other couples in action. Which gets a male to jump and obey a woman, just barking out an order or request or a woman who asks for the same thing but has some sexuality in it by her body language or how she phrases it?

So submissive men latch onto femdom and see all the sexual and kinky things and can tend to obsess over them and come off as a “do me” submissive when in fact they could be wonderfully submissive men.

Passion for the power exchange is the fuel that makes the power exchange relationship go and not crash and burn.

Besides the thought of wanting a power exchange relationship merely for a specific end thing(s) or a natural byproduct which of course can mean a lack of passion, there is still a difference between someone with no passion for power exchange and someone that is truly passionate about it. If the dynamic itself does not simply bring a joy to the person in it, hopefully because of compatibility often by what I have written in the motivations, then most of the work it takes to live the dynamic will be too much and cause one or both people to give up. This is why I am extremely skeptical of a female dominant who expresses her interest in femdom by always commenting on specific things. If one has a joy to femdom then ones first thoughts would not describe someone cleaning their house.

This relationship dynamic is not remotely different then any other relationship dynamic when it comes to effort and sacrifice in terms of no matter your role commitment and devotion to another human being requires those two things. When we do things in our relationships that do not bring us the joy but we do out of needing to be done we rely on our passion for our other and this certainly includes how we live. If there is no passion for the dynamic and/or you cannot fuel your passion by things done in the relationship which are usually the kinky and sexual ones then no desire for what is the end product will save you from failure. Often when you here about the dynamic puttering out between two people that have genuine feelings for each other it is because one or both just do not have the passion.

So the next time talking to your potential other mistress or submissive get a feel for much they enjoy the dynamic compared to if the only thing they talk about is specific things. People cannot hide the passion for something when they are talking about it.

For the Right Reasons Part I

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

In a rough guesswork estimate I think fifty percent of the profiles I read on the personal site I was/am on were people from both genders and roles where it was clearly evident that their motivation to seek another was not for the right reasons but to get some end thing they wanted and think a power exchange relationship will provide. These are the dominants who could only communicate in wanting domestic service, being spoiled and a better financial life. These are the submissives that only communicate in wanting to be feminized, cuckold and other things that were mostly kinky sexual things. Now there is nothing wrong with desiring such things, but where they are wrong is when they underestimate what is needed in power exchange part and discredit the effort and other person to be involved to claim their one dimensional prize.

Being a dominant or a submissive in a significant power exchange relationship should never be motivated by what you get out of it in terms of the byproducts and end results. People that have successful relationships measured in long term fit the life and have the motivation and passion for what the life is and how it makes them feel and that over time generates all the fun byproducts.

Dominants motivation and passion

I have little respect for another dominant which all they can communicate basically wants to be spoiled and that a good submissive male will only care about their desires. These women are almost always just motivated by the desire for an easier life and think calling themselves dominant and finding a submissive male to have a power exchange relationship will accomplish that. Again anytime one communicates in this life motivations that are nothing more then a series of specific things then the reality of it is that they are only just focused on those things.

I cannot know all the good motivations a person has for calling themselves dominant and wanting a power exchange relationship. I do know most that I have met and are or have been in long term relationships tend to have the following strong desires and personality traits that make motivations fit for a long lasting and healthy power exchange relationship:

1) Desire for control. This often gets downplayed where in fact you will rarely hear or read about it except for when people speak out against over controlling (abusive) or not wanting to or be micromanaged. I would say this term is treated much the way the term sadism is thrown around, very carefully. I believe for control though the reason is simply dominants in today’s world, at least in cyber, seem to have a desperation to project themselves as perfect human beings. That they seem to love to try to take any well viewed character trait and make it like they have a monopoly on it. The need for control is considered a negative trait for most people and therefore we must not mention it.

But the fact is almost any dominant wanting some sort of significant power exchange relationship wants/needs to be able to control their slave. It does not have to be 24/7 and every action but they have to have the right to have the ability to control certain to many situations and things. This goes to a common insecurity and anxiety thing in them. I will give myself as an example of a person that is controlling. The level of control I exude most of the time is not really noticeable in day to day routine things a couple would do but put me in unknown or stressful situations you will see me quite clearly seek out control.

The reason why this is often an important trait to have is simply because a slave you own in that severe power exchange is not wanting but often needing to know what you as a mistress wants from them whether direct or just how going about day to day life in general. A mistress who has no natural need to control things will often make a slave feel lost and therefore struggle if all they ever get from their mistress is words and vibe that communicate “I don’t care” or “I don’t know”.

2) Have a well thought out desire in how they want to live. Dominants lead and submissives follow it is as simple as that and a dominant that has no actual vision outside of some perks and not wanting to argue and negotiate everything in their relationship just will not cut it. The ignorant and foolish in this life think a submissive is born to just have to submit and make their dominant needs take priority over their own, but that is not the case. A slave will have to put those needs in that order and obey out of caring for their owner and being inspired by how their owner wants to live. Just getting a slave and then what will more often then not fail because the relationship will quickly fall into a regular one or even worse the mistress looking at the slave and hoping they have an idea.

3) The ability, desire and willingness to make the effort when not feeling it to be a take charge leader in the relationship in the amount equal to the amount of power you want in the relationship. Show me regardless of role or gender a person waxing about how a slave should be able to anticipate their owner’s needs and be able to do anything in ways to make their owners like easier and I will show you a person in a faux power exchange relationship or is just totally clueless.

Submissives and especially male submissives who desire significant power exchange relationships are not drawn to this life just to get kinky sex or to serve and please a woman. Quite simply they can do that in any regular relationship. There is no shortage of regular women who would allow a man to spoil them, put them first and on and on. No, what is a huge appeal to a person with a strong submissive personality is the freedom of knowing directly and specifically what they are doing makes their loved one happy. But guess what? That has to be communicated directly and the dominant actually has to come up with what they want!

By far and away when I see female dominants lose men that I knew to be quite submissive the lack of this was always a big reason. Many a profile and message board post I see quite clueless and ignorant female dominants that simply do not get this, can do this or want this. They almost always describe what they want is an alpha man that will read their minds and desires and do things they want and hope to do and get. But we call these relationships femdom and female led for a huge ass reason because that is what both people are supposedly wanting. Leadership and domination require decisiveness, assertiveness, inspiration, setting specific goals and willingness to impose one’s will on another. If the idea of the dominant for leadership is for the male slave to initiate everything with limited or no direct communication and orders that are specific in nature and for them to be pleased or displeased then that dominant will be always looking for a new slave.

A basic example/test: A clueless dominant will not make a decision, seek constant approval or worse expect the submissive to plan a Saturday night out. A dominant that tells their slave what they are going to do, how they are going to do it and when they are going to do it will make the slave happy and obey with zeal.

4) Must have a thick skin and/or some sadism in you. Forget all the poetry bull shit people put out on the web. Forget all the false projection of fairytale bliss that active couples like to project their relationships to be. The simple fact a slave in a 24/7 situation will not live 24/7 and have pleasure in doing everything that they do for the dominant. A dominant who can be bothered because they do not want or cannot do and order things on their dearly loved slave because they know or the slave clearly communicates no fun simply will not be able to dominate the slave and the slave will actually resent them for it.

At the core of many a slave if not all is the desire for their beloved owner to truly be happy and do what they want. A slave forced to suffer at times in various forms from mundane to kinky is actually needed by the slave because it shows them their owner is actually doing just that. Plus when a dominant does a nice and generous thing for their slave it is exponentially appreciated because it is not a barter thing but out of genuine affection. An owner who only thinks of themselves and totally disrespects and is dismissive of their slaves own desires and needs outside of to serve them will often abuse this and lose their slave. All of this may sound like a fine line but it really is not. It just takes compatibility, love and a person that is mentally healthy and of decent character which are not special but needed in any type of relationship.

In part two I will talk about the motivations and traits that make for a successful submissive and talk about the importance of having a passion for the life.