Passion vs Fraudulent

The power exchange life and the things we do in our power exchange relationships have to be within you and not a cost in order to reap the benefit of the byproduct.

Whenever I read and hear thoughts about how people cannot be really into these things in terms of 24/7 lifestyle, how some attack anything in this life that a lot of people gravitate toward and expect dominants and submissives to always be perfect in their actions and intentions so that they on the other end never have to exert effort I instantly think well people just maybe you are not cut out for the life. Because this life can be a draw to people that want to be spoiled in various ways, easier life, attention, sex for dominants and sex, kink and inspired to be fixed and happy for a submissive there will always be a lot of people wanting this life for these byproducts. The rub is if of course to get the enjoyable byproducts does the life fit you.

For me it is quite simple as you will either have the passion for the actual femdom life or you will not. From there it is a simple case of finding someone compatible. But why does something so easy sounding seem so difficult? My thoughts come down to two different things that tend to derail people on their paths to finding relationships that suit them, conformity and expecting the other to fix any gap between what the person wants and what they are capable of doing.

Let me discuss both of these things.

Conformity

Conformity in the power exchange life is a huge problem in terms of the benefit it provides but also then the tragedy of people often trying to fit themselves and others into places they do not fit like inserting a square peg into a round hole. What do I mean by this?

Because what we are drawn to whether power exchange, kinky things and often both is not society accepted and therefore most of us keep it private. Now maybe some people end up with a person who introduces them to this life but for most of us we come to this life often feeling quite alone and fear is often fueled totally about not knowing. Whether we read up on the life through the internet and/or we venture into our local community we as human beings find one way to calm our fears when we venture out in virgin waters and that is when we can sense people doing the same things. In essence conformity brings comfort. People can see and read what to expect and because as a group we have this weird combination of wanting to feel special about our life choice and still need others to be in it we tend to set up rigid conformity by how we frame discussions and do things.

We conform like any other group in society by boiling what we do down to well defined and endlessly debated the right or better way to do things. We dress similar but still different from other people at least when together and we put down anyone not just like us often in a very fear monger like tone. For those entering into the life this can be comforting. The fact is when we put on our costumes to play, go to a local dungeon or keep a separate room or a basement for a dungeon we are in essence preparing our minds to what is to come. This though can bring in many people because it requires short term acting and not much self awareness as we our mocking, comparing and competing against others.

Conformity has its positives but it is also a big road block when people need to find their one best path and just as importantly find someone compatible for two people to go down a compatible path. Why is that?

1) It breeds one note thoughts and expectations. People instead of finding their own path adopt other people’s path and in reality what they do is take other people’s paths and twist them without telling the person they snare. Basically you will get the female dominant who thinks all they do is put down a male and do some kinky things in a costume and for that they will and should be spoiled. For male submissives they think acting pathetic and trying to be dismissive of what they want or have zoned in on something so particular that they cannot think about any deviation.

2) Too often take what we have seen in local communities, often people playing roles for a short period of time, or read on the internet utopian spin on a person’s experiences and relationship. Because of this we take all of the good and assume if they have this we can have it. But the fact is many do not have it at all but are projecting a fantasy that in their private life might be none of this to all of it but just in a far less conformity like picture. It is this conformity of doing this will get you that that is one unrealistic but also often not taking into account that what we have been fed to believe is all who play the conformed way are not doing it in a 24/7 manner.

So instead of finding a personal path that works for you and then finding a compatible person we far too often have people both trying to conform to some public view of how the life should be. Therefore when they reach the point where they burn out on the performance they often become completely different people to who the other fell for. Simply conformity inhibits self awareness and unintentional dishonesty.

The gap between the byproduct and being capable of doing the things to get that byproduct

I just decided to call this the passion gap. Most people that enter this life and fail to either find someone long term or live this in a relationship dynamic way of consequence can be attributed to this being the problem. They simply want a byproduct but do not have the passion within them that is needed on a daily basis that will along with compatibility of the other person create this byproduct. So people from both roles and genders foolishly delude themselves into wishful thinking false theories and one way truisms thinking that the other person in the role opposite of them will naturally provide for any deficiencies in this gap. 

This life is filled with people that are drawn to it because they want something they perceived another can give them and think calling themselves a dominant or a submissive will therefore get them this. This life also has people who refuse any attempt at self awareness and whether they tried to conform in their local community standards or only develop what they think they are suppose to act and do from a limited scope on the internet but these people proceed to think they are something they are not.

Here are just off the top of my head some samples of people that most often have a passion gap too big to ever have a sincere, happy and loving power exchange relationship:

1) These are the female dominants with zero alpha in them and they seek out mythical creatures called alpha male submissives. These mythical creatures do not need leadership, inspiration or the need to be dominated but will naturally spoil them on their terms which are rarely actually going to be communicated and even rarer be specific in the moment but often just vague wishful generalities.

2) Males who really just want kinky and sexual things and fool themselves into thinking they can be submissive to a woman. So what really happens is every single time they are ordered to do something they do it only hoping that the next thing to come is something kinky.

3) The local community/message board experts on all toys and scenes done in dungeons even to the point they have written books or teach seminars locally or at national events. They have fooled themselves into thinking knowing some toys in an expert way makes them a great person for what roles they call themselves in a power exchange relationships. These people more often then not the leaders in labeling themselves naturals and seem to communicate at all times never knowing what it is like to be with someone in a loving long term situation and understanding the trust that is there inherently.

4) People that confuse power exchange and kinky things done in a relationship as always being separate things when often they are very dependent on each other. That this thought resorts into thinking the kinky things can be just bonuses or rewards for obedience and therefore not that critical or important. Often these are the people with no passion for them and over time just stop doing them.

All that I have written if taken separately one might think have little connections to each other and the title of passion versus being fraudulent but that is not the case. People must have passion for the actual aspects that go on in a power exchange relationship and this includes participation on at least a few things that are classified as kinky. Those with no passion to lead and inspire in a direct and assertive way and truly enjoy a kinky thing that can bring a discipline, enjoyment and a domination feeling to the relationship will be in trouble. The same goes for a person with no passion to actually be obedient and put your other often above yourself will be in trouble.

Often it becomes quite a chore for people to figure out who has the passion from those that present themselves as mistresses or slaves but are quite fraudulent and end up getting burned. The reason why is we as a whole because of fear of the unknown and wanting to fit in and be validated and accepted tend to choose to a very narrow conformity view of power exchange. This allows the frauds to easier put on a mask and play a role. It allows the local community to project all kinky things are just fun only and judged by bottom’s enjoyment of it and not that a top needs to passionately enjoy it and talk about the dominating aspects and benefits that kinky things bring in a relationship. This allows the frauds to think none of these things are really necessary and boom the true submissive is an actual selfless person is born. It is the cyber preaching of dominants are just morally great people and that is all that it takes to be dominant in a power exchange relationship, thinking you are great and deserved to be spoiled.

The pressure to conform and the relief of seeing conformity costs plenty people to be self aware and seek out their best path and a person who fits best on their own path. Because the right path for each of us will have passion all over the place that living it is easy and never something that drains us in our long term practice of it.