Local Community I

Clouding the lines between a personal life and relationship with a social life and social relationships

There are two axioms that are always present in almost all healthy and loving relationships regardless of the dynamic. 1) Relationships take equal effort from both parties. 2) The more we expect from someone in terms of things like commitment, devotion and time that helps our needs and desires get met the more the other person will/need expect of you to do the same.

Now those two axioms for 99.99% of the worlds population is kind of a duh like thought as of course this makes sense or at the very least any drastic variations from this would be not good. The fact though one of the biggest problems with people who want the power exchange dynamic in their relationship is often is when one or both believe that these two axioms are not relevant to their relationship. Maybe consciously or maybe subconsciously but they think they have found a short cut and loophole to mail in their effort and sacrifice in a relationship while the other devotes everything towards theirs.

Why would some people walk down that road that will only lead to a dead end? The reason is because there are two major ways people live this and that is people that treat it with deadly seriousness in their personal life and people that treat it like an accessory in their relationship and people that treat it as some part of their social life.

One of the biggest problems facing open and honest advice and information about the power exchange life is that we are not very good at being open and honest about the context for which the information and advice has any validity. This simply has to do with egos and idiotic judgments of who is better then another like life has a competition factored into it. Now for most of us this is a relatively silly game that hopefully does little damage to our lives. But often people that are quite active in their local communities from public organizations to just putting themselves out there with their role and developing a personal network of friends and potential playmates they far too often merge personal and social life that leads to some really poor and misguided information out there.

The often unintentional byproduct of local community actions and the people that actively promote local communities and their involvement

Local communities of course can be about learning things in this life we embrace, meeting and making friends and for many of us that special someone to go through life with. But local communities at their heart are a social network for which active people in the communities develop parts and sometimes all of their social life around. A lot of what goes on in local communities has very little to do with power exchange personal relationships. The fact is if you replace BDSM with chess when discussing all the gatherings we have you will find no real difference in the dynamic.

Informal meeting of the chess club for a social mixer and maybe have a speaker would be the same as a munch.  Public dungeon is just a spot for people to go to play a game of chess. Local play parties public or private could be chess tournaments private and open invitation. Attend national shows and conventions be replaced with going to chess conventions and national competitions. My point being the actual interaction has nothing to do with personal relationships.

Leaders and peacocks of local communities

It is unfortunate but one of the flaws of local communities is the false promotion of those who are most active are the wisest when discussing the things we discuss. That by itself as a way to determine credibility is just a very false one. What these people often are are some of the wisest in individual scene type activities and in my opinion you can even define it in a more realistic smaller set, experts in scenes within public play.

Most who are the promoters of all is great in local communities are in essence pushing a social activity that is BDSM related. The fact while many will also claim expertise in personal relationships and about the power exchange dynamic in them, their badge of local community involvement really has no jurisdiction on that area. The simple fact is one cannot look into their private life and judge for ourselves just how they are in it. Public social activities which are all that local communities are cannot determine anything about a person’s personal life.

The best example I can give of this is when one of these person’s gives a demo or discusses a kinky/toy/scene whether in person or posting it somewhere in cyber. I have rarely if ever heard one not discuss it in terms of basically two strangers doing it together and they goal/enjoyment of the bottom being highly focused as the main goal. While this is not unimportant or great to know and learn it lacks a great deal when trying to transfer these things into a personal power exchange relationships. The reason why is the fact between two people who care and trust each other a lot of the discussion is just not relevant. Just as importantly the kinky things are never taught about the enjoyment and motivation of many who have this in their personal life. This is of course many of the things can be done mainly for the tops enjoyment and the things done can be done and enjoyed because they are physical manifestations of the power exchange and both roles enjoy them for this. Rarely if ever kinky things from local community zealots get taught or inform people of such things because their focus is on BDSM as a social activity.

Femdom delusion when people try to convert social activities to a personal relationship

The biggest myth, which I wrote about here, that often femdom information out in cyber is that a “real” male submissive is a selfless human being whose main and totally dominant desire is to attend to his mistress’s needs. This is out there because of two groups, 1) female dominants who have serious personal femdom relationships who subconsciously or by lack of confronting this myth promote femdom this way 2) female dominants for which the life is primarily just a social life. The former of course like that promotion enough and often do not see the harm in it, unfortunately, that they often enjoy reading things that support the myth or just do not care to fight the myth.

But let us talk about the latter type as they are often the most vocal in local communities and therefore this confusion is often where this myth is incubated that too many then buy into. Let me uses very common examples:

1) A female dominant that has one or a stable of submissive men and on weekends and various other times for a few hours is when they are together and in essence they play femdom relationship. These are not personal relationships even though most will swear they have very warm feelings for each other but the simple fact is neither relies on each other for many needs that a significant other provides. It is easy to role play selfless submissive man when it is only for a half day here or a half day there and this is why the myth gains street cred. A female dominant can hold up a kinky reward and a male with pent up energy can channel doing selfless things for a few hours for their hopeful reward.

Of course this cannot be kept up in a 24/7 relationship as both parties will tire out of playing the role.

2) Female dominants gather with each other and their social male submissives and play out a scene. Often things like tea parties or some high protocol dinner. All this is of course is fun and frivolity for the women and a classic peacock type ego thing as each women gets to show off a man or two and how they submit to them. The myth is re-enforced because in this case we have a bunch of women doing a social femdom activity and it gets extrapolated that this is how life could be in a 24/7 femdom relationship. Of course nothing that is present at the party actually shows all the work and other things done in order to get such service and mentioning that at the time or when one communicates it back at a munch or in cyber the ego of course loves to project the lack of work.

3) Munches, play parties/dungeons and even national shows people too easily put on mask play a part up to the max. As with a part with mistresses and slaves playing their roles in full peacock mode people often in the local community in their public demeanor often lay on an act and put their ego out there as well. Whether a couple even have an actual power exchange relationship or not when they venture out in public for a social event they will either throw on a mask that promotes they do or they have one and often really step it up. Once again egos help promote the myth as everyone loves to communicate the least effort and highest serving capacity looks the coolest and the myth then gets promoted.

Social life of femdom does not equate to a personal life

They can be more similar then different and it does not mean the ones who are active in their local communities do not have amazing and significant power exchange relationships in their personal lives. But with the way the kinky things are promoted and all the part time social role players that can often play at some mythical self idealized femdom relationship, these things often do a very big disservice when a person/couple seek out femdom on a personal relationship standpoint. It can become easy to buy into the male if real should actually be selfless and with out the female’s effort, inspiration and active direction lives to serve in anyway to make their mistress happy.

It is not that local communities are evil but their natural limitations often are confusing and play a factor in spreading some bad information about power exchange and kinky things when they are in the context of a personal power exchange relationship. So the next time you are interested in reading up on femdom from a personal relationship standpoint please do not give more credit to someone boasting local community involvement over someone who is not involved. But at the same time do not just assume the opposite as well.