Passion vs Fraudulent

The power exchange life and the things we do in our power exchange relationships have to be within you and not a cost in order to reap the benefit of the byproduct.

Whenever I read and hear thoughts about how people cannot be really into these things in terms of 24/7 lifestyle, how some attack anything in this life that a lot of people gravitate toward and expect dominants and submissives to always be perfect in their actions and intentions so that they on the other end never have to exert effort I instantly think well people just maybe you are not cut out for the life. Because this life can be a draw to people that want to be spoiled in various ways, easier life, attention, sex for dominants and sex, kink and inspired to be fixed and happy for a submissive there will always be a lot of people wanting this life for these byproducts. The rub is if of course to get the enjoyable byproducts does the life fit you.

For me it is quite simple as you will either have the passion for the actual femdom life or you will not. From there it is a simple case of finding someone compatible. But why does something so easy sounding seem so difficult? My thoughts come down to two different things that tend to derail people on their paths to finding relationships that suit them, conformity and expecting the other to fix any gap between what the person wants and what they are capable of doing.

Let me discuss both of these things.

Conformity

Conformity in the power exchange life is a huge problem in terms of the benefit it provides but also then the tragedy of people often trying to fit themselves and others into places they do not fit like inserting a square peg into a round hole. What do I mean by this?

Because what we are drawn to whether power exchange, kinky things and often both is not society accepted and therefore most of us keep it private. Now maybe some people end up with a person who introduces them to this life but for most of us we come to this life often feeling quite alone and fear is often fueled totally about not knowing. Whether we read up on the life through the internet and/or we venture into our local community we as human beings find one way to calm our fears when we venture out in virgin waters and that is when we can sense people doing the same things. In essence conformity brings comfort. People can see and read what to expect and because as a group we have this weird combination of wanting to feel special about our life choice and still need others to be in it we tend to set up rigid conformity by how we frame discussions and do things.

We conform like any other group in society by boiling what we do down to well defined and endlessly debated the right or better way to do things. We dress similar but still different from other people at least when together and we put down anyone not just like us often in a very fear monger like tone. For those entering into the life this can be comforting. The fact is when we put on our costumes to play, go to a local dungeon or keep a separate room or a basement for a dungeon we are in essence preparing our minds to what is to come. This though can bring in many people because it requires short term acting and not much self awareness as we our mocking, comparing and competing against others.

Conformity has its positives but it is also a big road block when people need to find their one best path and just as importantly find someone compatible for two people to go down a compatible path. Why is that?

1) It breeds one note thoughts and expectations. People instead of finding their own path adopt other people’s path and in reality what they do is take other people’s paths and twist them without telling the person they snare. Basically you will get the female dominant who thinks all they do is put down a male and do some kinky things in a costume and for that they will and should be spoiled. For male submissives they think acting pathetic and trying to be dismissive of what they want or have zoned in on something so particular that they cannot think about any deviation.

2) Too often take what we have seen in local communities, often people playing roles for a short period of time, or read on the internet utopian spin on a person’s experiences and relationship. Because of this we take all of the good and assume if they have this we can have it. But the fact is many do not have it at all but are projecting a fantasy that in their private life might be none of this to all of it but just in a far less conformity like picture. It is this conformity of doing this will get you that that is one unrealistic but also often not taking into account that what we have been fed to believe is all who play the conformed way are not doing it in a 24/7 manner.

So instead of finding a personal path that works for you and then finding a compatible person we far too often have people both trying to conform to some public view of how the life should be. Therefore when they reach the point where they burn out on the performance they often become completely different people to who the other fell for. Simply conformity inhibits self awareness and unintentional dishonesty.

The gap between the byproduct and being capable of doing the things to get that byproduct

I just decided to call this the passion gap. Most people that enter this life and fail to either find someone long term or live this in a relationship dynamic way of consequence can be attributed to this being the problem. They simply want a byproduct but do not have the passion within them that is needed on a daily basis that will along with compatibility of the other person create this byproduct. So people from both roles and genders foolishly delude themselves into wishful thinking false theories and one way truisms thinking that the other person in the role opposite of them will naturally provide for any deficiencies in this gap. 

This life is filled with people that are drawn to it because they want something they perceived another can give them and think calling themselves a dominant or a submissive will therefore get them this. This life also has people who refuse any attempt at self awareness and whether they tried to conform in their local community standards or only develop what they think they are suppose to act and do from a limited scope on the internet but these people proceed to think they are something they are not.

Here are just off the top of my head some samples of people that most often have a passion gap too big to ever have a sincere, happy and loving power exchange relationship:

1) These are the female dominants with zero alpha in them and they seek out mythical creatures called alpha male submissives. These mythical creatures do not need leadership, inspiration or the need to be dominated but will naturally spoil them on their terms which are rarely actually going to be communicated and even rarer be specific in the moment but often just vague wishful generalities.

2) Males who really just want kinky and sexual things and fool themselves into thinking they can be submissive to a woman. So what really happens is every single time they are ordered to do something they do it only hoping that the next thing to come is something kinky.

3) The local community/message board experts on all toys and scenes done in dungeons even to the point they have written books or teach seminars locally or at national events. They have fooled themselves into thinking knowing some toys in an expert way makes them a great person for what roles they call themselves in a power exchange relationships. These people more often then not the leaders in labeling themselves naturals and seem to communicate at all times never knowing what it is like to be with someone in a loving long term situation and understanding the trust that is there inherently.

4) People that confuse power exchange and kinky things done in a relationship as always being separate things when often they are very dependent on each other. That this thought resorts into thinking the kinky things can be just bonuses or rewards for obedience and therefore not that critical or important. Often these are the people with no passion for them and over time just stop doing them.

All that I have written if taken separately one might think have little connections to each other and the title of passion versus being fraudulent but that is not the case. People must have passion for the actual aspects that go on in a power exchange relationship and this includes participation on at least a few things that are classified as kinky. Those with no passion to lead and inspire in a direct and assertive way and truly enjoy a kinky thing that can bring a discipline, enjoyment and a domination feeling to the relationship will be in trouble. The same goes for a person with no passion to actually be obedient and put your other often above yourself will be in trouble.

Often it becomes quite a chore for people to figure out who has the passion from those that present themselves as mistresses or slaves but are quite fraudulent and end up getting burned. The reason why is we as a whole because of fear of the unknown and wanting to fit in and be validated and accepted tend to choose to a very narrow conformity view of power exchange. This allows the frauds to easier put on a mask and play a role. It allows the local community to project all kinky things are just fun only and judged by bottom’s enjoyment of it and not that a top needs to passionately enjoy it and talk about the dominating aspects and benefits that kinky things bring in a relationship. This allows the frauds to think none of these things are really necessary and boom the true submissive is an actual selfless person is born. It is the cyber preaching of dominants are just morally great people and that is all that it takes to be dominant in a power exchange relationship, thinking you are great and deserved to be spoiled.

The pressure to conform and the relief of seeing conformity costs plenty people to be self aware and seek out their best path and a person who fits best on their own path. Because the right path for each of us will have passion all over the place that living it is easy and never something that drains us in our long term practice of it.

For the Right Reasons Part II

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

Submissives motivation and passion

Often when the put down “do me subs” is mentioned it can feel like people think that most males identifying as being submissives are a bunch of con artists intentionally trying to scam a female dominant into kinky sex with them. But the fact is often the male submissives are not do me subs at all but just poorly communicate what they are about and motivated by. But of course there are still plenty of men that will try to portray themselves as submissives to get kinky sex but they will never last past any halfway wise mistress in the getting to know each other phase of a relationship. Why? Because they have no ability to show the motivations behind what a submissive man is about.

Here are a few motivations and personality traits that I have found quite common in significantly submissive men. I do not mean that this is a set list or must have everything listed deeply but I do believe most submissives have these things in some degree.

1) Strongly desire the one they care for is happy in a frequent, direct and clear way. Generally when we love and care for someone we of course all strongly desire and often wish to do just about anything to make them happy if we can. But the truth is while we can state something like that and pass a lie detector test most of us on the planet while really do desire our other to be happy the do anything is not quite there as we tend to use some proportional balance. In other words, if a person has a crappy week ahead of them they are usually not feeling the desire to go out of their way in that week to make sure their other is having a really great week. But submissive people tend to want if they can their other happy no matter or not tying into how they are at the moment. Please note this is very different then never needing to be happy or have personal desires other then this fulfilled.

Direct and clear is important because it personalizes them and they know for sure and it will sooth second guessing. Submissive men tend to be overly sensitive to what their owner is giving them in terms of clues of how they are feeling or wanting. A mistress can get a ton of great relationship fuel with well placed compliments on the slave’s services.

2) Hate ambiguity and see power exchange as a way to clearly define things and communicate them directly. A man with a submissive personality and naturally defers and in at least some way spoils the woman he is with is just then logically going to tend to be pushed away from cryptic messages, non communication and all the other things many women do that avoids directly stating what we are wanting and feeling. A submissive man though will gravitate and just go nuts over a woman that can be direct and they see femdom being a great chance for that.

This does not just go to specific moments or things but also an outline of what is expected of them. Men simply just do not respond to always doing A then finding out their other is mad at them because they should of figured out by the way they were acting they should have done B that time.

3) Desire a strong sexual atmosphere in the relationship. First one disclaimer, you can find men who are asexual or with very low sex drives but for the 99% of them this one is a big motivation.

One of the biggest misconception females have about men and this is especially true with submissive men is their genuine attention toward sex in their brain is not just about the number of times they can orgasm and trying to do just that. What men often are doing when they have sex on the brain is enjoying the thoughts that are included and how their body reacts when they are enough to get blood flowing into their second brain. Why this is a motivation for a submissive is because what I just wrote crosses with how men have been trained in society and that is a happy woman is a sexually affectionate woman. So combine all of that up and sexuality within the relationship is important to the submissive man because they can have sex on the brain and get the needed clues of their woman happy because she is being sexual in someway. Again this does not mean sexual acts but we are talking about winks, what is being worn, how we order them to do something and on and on.

It is this one that can fail many female dominants not actually cut out for female domination and many genuinely submissive men sink themselves by acting too much like a “do me” selfish bottom only submissive. Because men have sex on the brain and because submissive men want to please and see their mistress happy that this has to be on display in the relationship otherwise the submissive is not getting their needs that fuel the obey and deeply submissive desires and behaviors.

Many men wander into power exchange and focus on the sexual aspects for an actual reason other then they are just dogs. They do so because they have felt hurt, confused and betrayed in regular relationships often with what I have written, sexual atmosphere is a sign of a happy and loving atmosphere to them. Why is this well think through it logically. A submissive man does not turn into a submissive man when he first learns about power exchange relationships but has been submissive in many ways in most or all of his serious relationships. The man tends to defer to and spoil the woman he is with but if that is the yin the man is expecting the yang and when he does not get it is then when negative feelings build and the relationships tend to blow up.

So what is the submissive man wanting/yang? Why of course the woman expressing her love an appreciation in a sexual and affectionate way. But what can often actually happen is the woman takes being deferred to and spoiled the other way and begins to take the man for granted. So for example what the woman might have worn sexy bras and panties gets replaced with boring and unattractive bras and panties because they are more comfortable. But to the man what is being communicated is I care less about you now. Now for an average man that can be fine as they do similar things as well but for the submissive man he doing things and needs consideration back. If you think this is all far fetched, just think in your life or have seen other couples in action. Which gets a male to jump and obey a woman, just barking out an order or request or a woman who asks for the same thing but has some sexuality in it by her body language or how she phrases it?

So submissive men latch onto femdom and see all the sexual and kinky things and can tend to obsess over them and come off as a “do me” submissive when in fact they could be wonderfully submissive men.

Passion for the power exchange is the fuel that makes the power exchange relationship go and not crash and burn.

Besides the thought of wanting a power exchange relationship merely for a specific end thing(s) or a natural byproduct which of course can mean a lack of passion, there is still a difference between someone with no passion for power exchange and someone that is truly passionate about it. If the dynamic itself does not simply bring a joy to the person in it, hopefully because of compatibility often by what I have written in the motivations, then most of the work it takes to live the dynamic will be too much and cause one or both people to give up. This is why I am extremely skeptical of a female dominant who expresses her interest in femdom by always commenting on specific things. If one has a joy to femdom then ones first thoughts would not describe someone cleaning their house.

This relationship dynamic is not remotely different then any other relationship dynamic when it comes to effort and sacrifice in terms of no matter your role commitment and devotion to another human being requires those two things. When we do things in our relationships that do not bring us the joy but we do out of needing to be done we rely on our passion for our other and this certainly includes how we live. If there is no passion for the dynamic and/or you cannot fuel your passion by things done in the relationship which are usually the kinky and sexual ones then no desire for what is the end product will save you from failure. Often when you here about the dynamic puttering out between two people that have genuine feelings for each other it is because one or both just do not have the passion.

So the next time talking to your potential other mistress or submissive get a feel for much they enjoy the dynamic compared to if the only thing they talk about is specific things. People cannot hide the passion for something when they are talking about it.

For the Right Reasons Part I

If the power exchange life is not within you from the right motivation and passion standpoints and your pursuit is more about getting the byproducts you doom yourself in your pursuit to failure, loneliness and frustration.

In a rough guesswork estimate I think fifty percent of the profiles I read on the personal site I was/am on were people from both genders and roles where it was clearly evident that their motivation to seek another was not for the right reasons but to get some end thing they wanted and think a power exchange relationship will provide. These are the dominants who could only communicate in wanting domestic service, being spoiled and a better financial life. These are the submissives that only communicate in wanting to be feminized, cuckold and other things that were mostly kinky sexual things. Now there is nothing wrong with desiring such things, but where they are wrong is when they underestimate what is needed in power exchange part and discredit the effort and other person to be involved to claim their one dimensional prize.

Being a dominant or a submissive in a significant power exchange relationship should never be motivated by what you get out of it in terms of the byproducts and end results. People that have successful relationships measured in long term fit the life and have the motivation and passion for what the life is and how it makes them feel and that over time generates all the fun byproducts.

Dominants motivation and passion

I have little respect for another dominant which all they can communicate basically wants to be spoiled and that a good submissive male will only care about their desires. These women are almost always just motivated by the desire for an easier life and think calling themselves dominant and finding a submissive male to have a power exchange relationship will accomplish that. Again anytime one communicates in this life motivations that are nothing more then a series of specific things then the reality of it is that they are only just focused on those things.

I cannot know all the good motivations a person has for calling themselves dominant and wanting a power exchange relationship. I do know most that I have met and are or have been in long term relationships tend to have the following strong desires and personality traits that make motivations fit for a long lasting and healthy power exchange relationship:

1) Desire for control. This often gets downplayed where in fact you will rarely hear or read about it except for when people speak out against over controlling (abusive) or not wanting to or be micromanaged. I would say this term is treated much the way the term sadism is thrown around, very carefully. I believe for control though the reason is simply dominants in today’s world, at least in cyber, seem to have a desperation to project themselves as perfect human beings. That they seem to love to try to take any well viewed character trait and make it like they have a monopoly on it. The need for control is considered a negative trait for most people and therefore we must not mention it.

But the fact is almost any dominant wanting some sort of significant power exchange relationship wants/needs to be able to control their slave. It does not have to be 24/7 and every action but they have to have the right to have the ability to control certain to many situations and things. This goes to a common insecurity and anxiety thing in them. I will give myself as an example of a person that is controlling. The level of control I exude most of the time is not really noticeable in day to day routine things a couple would do but put me in unknown or stressful situations you will see me quite clearly seek out control.

The reason why this is often an important trait to have is simply because a slave you own in that severe power exchange is not wanting but often needing to know what you as a mistress wants from them whether direct or just how going about day to day life in general. A mistress who has no natural need to control things will often make a slave feel lost and therefore struggle if all they ever get from their mistress is words and vibe that communicate “I don’t care” or “I don’t know”.

2) Have a well thought out desire in how they want to live. Dominants lead and submissives follow it is as simple as that and a dominant that has no actual vision outside of some perks and not wanting to argue and negotiate everything in their relationship just will not cut it. The ignorant and foolish in this life think a submissive is born to just have to submit and make their dominant needs take priority over their own, but that is not the case. A slave will have to put those needs in that order and obey out of caring for their owner and being inspired by how their owner wants to live. Just getting a slave and then what will more often then not fail because the relationship will quickly fall into a regular one or even worse the mistress looking at the slave and hoping they have an idea.

3) The ability, desire and willingness to make the effort when not feeling it to be a take charge leader in the relationship in the amount equal to the amount of power you want in the relationship. Show me regardless of role or gender a person waxing about how a slave should be able to anticipate their owner’s needs and be able to do anything in ways to make their owners like easier and I will show you a person in a faux power exchange relationship or is just totally clueless.

Submissives and especially male submissives who desire significant power exchange relationships are not drawn to this life just to get kinky sex or to serve and please a woman. Quite simply they can do that in any regular relationship. There is no shortage of regular women who would allow a man to spoil them, put them first and on and on. No, what is a huge appeal to a person with a strong submissive personality is the freedom of knowing directly and specifically what they are doing makes their loved one happy. But guess what? That has to be communicated directly and the dominant actually has to come up with what they want!

By far and away when I see female dominants lose men that I knew to be quite submissive the lack of this was always a big reason. Many a profile and message board post I see quite clueless and ignorant female dominants that simply do not get this, can do this or want this. They almost always describe what they want is an alpha man that will read their minds and desires and do things they want and hope to do and get. But we call these relationships femdom and female led for a huge ass reason because that is what both people are supposedly wanting. Leadership and domination require decisiveness, assertiveness, inspiration, setting specific goals and willingness to impose one’s will on another. If the idea of the dominant for leadership is for the male slave to initiate everything with limited or no direct communication and orders that are specific in nature and for them to be pleased or displeased then that dominant will be always looking for a new slave.

A basic example/test: A clueless dominant will not make a decision, seek constant approval or worse expect the submissive to plan a Saturday night out. A dominant that tells their slave what they are going to do, how they are going to do it and when they are going to do it will make the slave happy and obey with zeal.

4) Must have a thick skin and/or some sadism in you. Forget all the poetry bull shit people put out on the web. Forget all the false projection of fairytale bliss that active couples like to project their relationships to be. The simple fact a slave in a 24/7 situation will not live 24/7 and have pleasure in doing everything that they do for the dominant. A dominant who can be bothered because they do not want or cannot do and order things on their dearly loved slave because they know or the slave clearly communicates no fun simply will not be able to dominate the slave and the slave will actually resent them for it.

At the core of many a slave if not all is the desire for their beloved owner to truly be happy and do what they want. A slave forced to suffer at times in various forms from mundane to kinky is actually needed by the slave because it shows them their owner is actually doing just that. Plus when a dominant does a nice and generous thing for their slave it is exponentially appreciated because it is not a barter thing but out of genuine affection. An owner who only thinks of themselves and totally disrespects and is dismissive of their slaves own desires and needs outside of to serve them will often abuse this and lose their slave. All of this may sound like a fine line but it really is not. It just takes compatibility, love and a person that is mentally healthy and of decent character which are not special but needed in any type of relationship.

In part two I will talk about the motivations and traits that make for a successful submissive and talk about the importance of having a passion for the life.

Reward Versus Disappointment

The dangerous practice of depending on reward for obedience and how it goes against message.

As a dominant have you truly been made giddy, aroused and deeply touched by your hand spanking a slave’s ass? Feeling their bare skin, seeing it become red and bruised and hearing their yelps and screams and you submissives have you experience the difference between a dominant that does it out of enjoyment on their end or doing it because they know or think that is what you want?

I am not a big fan of the very popular and utilized tool of reward for obedience and good behavior. To me this tactic is nothing more then jump through hoops for me and I will give you a treat. Female dominants often obsess at preaching about and wanting submissives that are selfless and need to please their Mistress. To me this technique goes against that wish completely. This style of domination makes the kinky things the focus and motivation for obedience and not the love of their Mistress. This style re-enforces selfish thoughts and behaviors instead of basking in the delight of your Mistress gets in your service to her.

Is it not either a fine line or just a definition disagreement between a strong reward system style and withholding fun and sexual stuff for disobedience and other poor behavior type things?

No it is a monstrous gap between the two things. It comes down to passion for the dynamic and compatibility. As I wrote above a dominant getting great pleasure in a kinky thing like spanking that if things like that are absent in the power exchange then long term it spells big doom.

We all have had many similar experiences where we were particularly really looking forward in doing something. Maybe a concert to attend, a weekend get away, a social event and things that we thought were going to be a blast and to have them totally ruined by the person(s) we were attending them with were so the opposite of what you are feeling and therefore so negative and energy draining in their words and actions it destroyed it for you. Let us call it the wet noodle situation.

Well you cannot fake enjoyment and pleasure in doing something on a long term situation if you are a female dominant. You either have to like the things you do to your slave on your own or your slave will soon learn and get no enjoyment if anything they enjoy is done only out of reward for being obedient.

Passion communicated is food for a slave and stakes being stated.

The reason why doing kinky things communicated strongly in the mode of reward is doomed for failure in long term relationships and not splitting hairs the other way(s) to do things comes down to controlling a slave’s brain and using their natural thoughts and desires. If the impression over time is given that kinky, sexual or really anything a dominant puts on a reward contingent then often more then not the simple fact is obvious and soul crushing to a slave, my Mistress does not really enjoy these things and just does them to keep me around. Do you see where this thought and a submissive who yearns to make a Mistress happy bump into each other?

But if a Mistress can communicate a passion and enjoyment for the kinky, sexual and other things that both enjoy in the power exchange dynamic that depend on obedience of the slave it no longer is about reward but about excitement of getting to do them for their Mistress. It is about obeying and doing everything to please the Mistress so not only the slave has some fun but not to screw up causing her not to play and therefore causing her not to have any fun!

We want unselfish and considerate slaves who need to please us. To get one we have to understand that does not get turned on and off and our desires and intentions must be pure as well. Communicating by our actions or downright believing that doing things for a slaves pleasure is only for rewards to them and not out of are enjoyment in doing them is problematic and far more attractive to selfish do me subs then awesome deeply submissive slaves.