We must be honest with ourselves and seek out the right type and way to go about it or we are just wasting time and treating people we get involved with like crap.
Despite what most dominants project they are not all one size fits all and capable of doing anything and owning anyone. Often this is projected into personal manifestos of how this life should be lived or what a true dominant and submissive is. But the fact is a long time local community star and teacher of seminars might have no ability other then doing top stuff and just because a dominant is searching for a slave does not mean they are a fit for an M/s relationship.
Despite having three types of roles for a submissive, bottom, submissive or slave the bickering over agreed definitions often fueled by thinking others judge them by it is best to be a slave and worse to be a bottom.
But what I find truly tragic is most of this bickering and debating does not help anyone become self aware to what they fit best and will be happiest in terms of a dynamic that fits into the life we all read, write and talk about. But what I find very irresponsible and just plain selfish and thoughtless is how the lack of knowing what dynamic the person wants then gets combined with people who are that way and only will entertain the thought of power exchange things after they have established a relationship and have genuine affectionate feelings for the other.
Why is that? Because it is totally discounting the other person by basically demanding that what ever type of dynamic fits you must then fit them.
The best way for anyone to find their other for a long term happy and healthy relationship is knowing what you are about and going to need in a relationship and THEN finding a compatible person to spend the rest of our lives with. It really does not matter how this is done except for pretending you are moral and just in only seeking out your one before knowing what dynamic you fit best. No politically correct words like “exploring” substituting for “I have no clue” with someone you love and basically emotionally blackmail them. Want less internal thought and self awareness and more trial by trying then be honest and seek out casual nothing serious relationships to “explore”.
Here are samples of the types of relationship dynamics people have that populate the power exchange world in general from cyber to local communities. I list them somewhat trying to go for from no actual power being exchanged to total power exchange in a 24/7 way.
Disclaimer: The best relationship two people can have is one that is healthy, happy, loving and fulfilling to both people period. Nothing else matters and this includes how much power exchange is in your relationship, what both of you call it does not matter compared to anyone else on the planet and what others think to call it. The four biggest mistakes people make when searching out their one in one of these dynamics is: 1) Like written above not being on the same page before feelings and a relationship has been established, it forces one or both not to be themselves. 2) Thinking the closer you are to 24/7 TPE the better or cooler person you are and that is some goal to have. Your life and your relationships should not be some part of a mythical contest with the prize of fleeting self esteem boost. 3) Do not think you can do something that does not appeal to you or is part of your natural personality to get what you are really wanting. Do not try to find a 24/7 slave but have no energy or desire to be an assertive alpha in your relationship most of the time. 4) Creating manifestos and theories that magically fit all “real” and “true” people into roles that fit your desires. This is often the case for people who seek out something of the extreme minority like 24/7 fully committed relationship but no sex for the other for example.
1) One specific kink is basically the only main draw. Basically you seek someone out for one main kink. Maybe you want to be forced feminized on an ongoing basis. Maybe you just want to be cuckolded. Even a dominant looking only for a domestic servant falls into this category. There is nothing wrong with just wanting these and the biggest problem is then trying to be something you are not to get it or come up with ludicrous theories of your counter part to think most calling themselves in the other role should fit. These would be things like “a real slave should only be concerned about pleasing their owner” or “a mistress should always feminize her submissive”.
2) A regular relationship with top/bottom fun. Basically a regular relationship where two people do kinky things for fun and are all about equal and enjoyable and has no power exchange in it outside of appearance at the time something maybe happening. You will see many people in local communities and national shows to be of this type. Biggest problem for people like this is often trying to be more then this to get this.
3) Agreed upon rigid roles within the relationship with or without kinky things but no actual power exchange happening. For my money by far with not a close second for actual popularity within this life is this one but most like to infer to others and fool themselves that it is way more in terms of power exchange then it actually is. If one is looking for an alpha or a beta with a pretty clear idea of how they want to live but seem to run away from things like rules and rituals and punishments. These types are huge on using the word natural and never ordering or doing things that the beta does not feel like doing. Most common problems are betas looking for their alphas and think power exchange is always doing things happily, female betas wanting to be spoiled and not do domestic stuff in their relationship calling themselves dominant all the while still expecting to be treated like a beta but just spoiled rotten and alphas never wanting to be argued with and get their way but want to do nothing then be a normal person.
4) Bedroom submission only. People who enjoy power exchange often with kinky sex but only in their sex life and even then often only inside their actual bedroom. Anytime besides this, even outside their bedroom of their own home, they are normal. Again biggest problem is often a person trying to over reach out of thinking it would be cooler or make them better if they try for a more significant power exchange dynamic.
5) Time sensitive D/s. There are two types: 1) An aspect of a relationship where there is true power exchange but there are giant exceptions. So for example cuckolding but can only be done when the man agrees to when, how and who and can always say no. 2) Big role playing thing only done consistently or randomly but still done more then a few times some sort of actual power exchange. This can range from minute like bedroom only or be a time period of full blown 24/7 TPE. Things like a weekend doing M/s then Monday comes and it is back to regular couple.
6) A Domme/submissive relationship. Agreed upon areas in the relationship that are truly power exchange that both have committed to in a 24/7 way. Different from Master/slave in terms of overall scope and best by saying D/s it is easier to list what power has been exchanged then claiming total power exchange then listing a ton of limits and boundaries. People often meant for #3 but try for this can be the biggest problem often with the reason of expectation that everything ordered within the agreed upon area is suppose to be enjoyable and not yucky. Beware of the term “fair” and “not a doormat” getting tossed around a lot.
7) Mistress/slave 24/7/365 relationship. Power exchange on a major scope that is never turned off and can be felt as much 24/7 often when alone but almost always when together even when nothing is actually happening but normal people stuff. Basically different in terms of dynamic that it would be far easier to list limits and boundaries then to list what is included. Biggest problem and I wrote more down below is a submissive who thinks they can be a slave as they will judge individual things too constantly and reflect more on them then thinking about their owner. Owners biggest problem is failing to make a slave feel truly dominated and be an assertive leader most of the time even if not feeling it.
If you do not know or have no experience how to know the dynamic that fits you
I believe serious self reflection and effort into self awareness can make one know before spending even one second doing or researching this life with a near certainty what they are actually about. What most people do as it is common human behavior is we like to not limit ourselves. We as human when we limit ourselves often think that means we are not some mythical good enough or as good as others who can do that thing. Therefore we often do not do any serious self reflection and awareness and choose to concentrate on thinking about if we can and coming up with beliefs that can make us or think no one should. We too often never honestly ask ourselves what does it matter to me and what makes me tick?
The following are just some random things to think about if you try to decide what your best path is:
1) Excited or apprehensive. If in your own imagination the thought of something scares you as much or more then being excited by it should tell you something about if you are a fit for that. For example if you are thinking you want to be a slave but your thoughts are more filled with worries such as “losing yourself” you are probably better off in a lesser power exchange dynamic.
2) Thoughts about giving up or having control are delightful and think would be freeing or scare you. If the idea of having so much or so little control in your life scares you or excites you should be a huge clue. Most people that think or experience these aspects even a little bit will often have one big reaction. Those meant for power exchange of a significant scope will deeply enjoy one of those thoughts.
3) When not interacting with another do you only think in kink and maybe in only one kinky thing. If you add up the time you think about this life and what you think about it comes down to only kinky things and maybe one kinky thing then power exchange may not be for you at all and you just want someone that is kink compatible.
4) One of your big concerns about the energy it will require when thinking about a more significant type of power exchange? If you tend to have thoughts like no one can do this 24/7 or everything sounds so tiring then you probably do not get significant power exchange so it is not going to be for you. On the other hand regular relationships have drain you of energy and even in those the thought of control and less ambiguity whichever way would solve the energy draining then power exchange might be ideal for you.
5) Are you a submissive or a slave personality type? While I would never get involved with a debate in a public forum as everyone has an opinion on this and often some unhealthy self esteem through identity from their definition. I will on my blog. In my firm opinion these are not remotely the same nor can one go from one to another like many people who are submissive then claim to want to become a slave. Why? A submissive personality is centered like most people and that is a normal what I enjoy or is in it for me type thoughts and motivations. For example being ordered to wash the dishes would be enjoyable because you like being told to maybe out of not good normally at doing them in a timely manner or maybe when cuckolded you always are into how you feel and react to it. A person with a slave personality type has their other as their center naturally in a way they take pleasure and comfort knowing the other is happy and therefore that will make them happy. So in the same examples a slave is happy knowing their owner wants the dishes done now and not something else or enjoys the thought of their mistress have a great time getting fucked by someone else as much as personal thoughts about themselves.
In conclusion
There is no excuse for not doing your homework and figuring what type of dynamic is best for you. Even with no actual experience there is still no reason why you cannot get it narrowed down to what appeals to you and leaves you excited about it and what you do not like and scares you. The reason why is because most of it is universal themes that previous relationship experiences and just naturally seeing how you are in any type of relationship including with friends and family can point you in the right direction. We all know what drains us and what gives us energy when interacting with people. We all know if we are controlling people on some level or maybe defer to people most of the time.
But the one thing if you truly wish not to hurt people and think of yourself as a good person you should not do is venture into a relationship without thinking it through of what you want. Because to just enter a relationship and have feelings develop and think power exchange relationships are one size fits all for both dominants and submissives is selfish and immature. Doing this you can find your perfect match but you are also and more often then not probably going to get hurt, hurt the other person and have your whole relationship blow up in your face.
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