FAQ: More Me

Thought I would take a break from the chastity postings and do something short and answer a few common questions I have gotten over time that popped into my head for various reasons.

Why do you use pretty crude words fairly easy like cock, pussy and piss?

For many of you it might be surprising that indeed I have gotten this question three times since starting the blog and back in the day of my local community participation got it quite a bit. It is quite amazing that a man wants someone like me to sit on their face and wiggle amongst other things but still cannot handle women who can express themselves verbally or in words sexually.

I could go on about equality, reality, direct communication and the modern world but at the core of my being direct with using these words is a simple psychological trick. As a doctor and maybe as one that works in an ER I spend many hours using the medically correct terms like breast, penis, scrotum and vagina among the many. Throw in where I work being indirect and take five words when one word will do is not a good way to go. So quite simply I am use to being direct and like to be able to remove the doctor in me when talking about sex and kink.

Trust me having to exam rape victims I want to remove the meaning of the medical terms in my personal life by referring to the slang.

Why did you become a doctor and why the emergency medicine?

Nurture and nature as it is all I knew. Mom is a RN and my dad is a doctor. Both worked in the same hospital which was therefore somewhat a pivotal part of growing up. I am a total Daddy’s girl right down to be burdened by becoming a Cubs fan for all the games I attended with him. The highlight of my fifteenth birthday was my mom taking me to the hospital to sign up to volunteer as fifteen being the age limit. I only have known wanting to be a doctor and work at a hospital.

My first choice heading into medical school was to be an oncologist shockingly the same as my dad. But when I battled cancer and survived but was left with a not so pleasant long term look out I just lost interest/could not handle dealing with cancer everyday and need to escape as best as I can. During med school when I got exposed to an ER I simply knew I had found my place and never have looked back.

Does your sex tend to be of the kinky variety with your slave or mostly regular and on occasion kinky?

First I have never quite figured out what was exactly kinky sex to a certain extent. I mean some people think anal sex is kinky and some think whatever. The best way to answer this is most actual sex things being done would be things that “regular” people do. Now a lot of foreplay/getting in the mood might be on the kinky side. I mean I have a slave I get to do what I want with, I am a sadist and I am not in the power exchange life to copy a regular life. One of my motivations to writing this blog was to shout from a pedestal that there are dominant women who do the kinky things because they truly love to do them and not out of doing them to keep getting spoiled and for free labor.

Now when some extended kinky thing is being done and/or something intense that goes into domination and leads to something sexual then more often then not I would classify kinky sex. Things like fucking my man while he is tied up or he is doing me or eating me out while wearing woman’s lingerie and things like that.

But most of life my favorite abuses of my power are for things like forced cuddle time and massages that magically end up sexual somehow.

Chastity II: Compatibility

When chastity is brought up in discussions more often then not it gets talked about in terms of safety, cuckolding, long term versus short term and a good male submissive/slave is one the can do it and do well by it. I am going to toss off safety as I may or may not write on the subject in the future and even then it will be brief. To me cuckolding is in the family of what I am going to talk about and is not separate from basic types of chastity. What do I think needs to be communicated that gets lost when the focus is there are two major ways chastity appeals to the participants of it and those that want to participate. These are either sexual torment or to remove or minimalize sex/sexuality in the relationship.

Compatibility between the two people involved is critical if chastity is to be a major theme in your relationship. What chastity is not is some competition or self esteem boost by a male submissive to think the longer without the cooler they are or making their cock the center of the relationship. At the same time chastity for a female dominant is not a way to get out of making sure their submissive/slave sexual needs are met or if choosing the torment approach, doing nothing but not letting him orgasm or locking him in a device and the female doing nothing else.

So let us look at the two ways chastity can be worked into a relationship:

1) Minimalize sex and sexuality within the relationship

This is pretty straight forward. For reasons with both parties they have a desire to have a chastised male where really neither are getting anything out of the situation but maybe relief of some level of anxiety and stress that sexuality and sex if in a complete and devoted relationship. There are also reasons for this type of chastity in lesser relationships but get trickier and I will mention the most common type.

Then who are the people that prefer a chaste slave?

a) People with low or zero (asexual) sex drives. These are people that are looking for devoted relationships that may or may not include emotional intimacy. But they do not have the sex drive to have that fulfilled and come to desire a chastity relationship in order to get out of what is a major thing in most couples relationships. Quite simple for these people this appeals to them as a way to get out of having to perform something they have little interest and relieve them of the guilt for being that way. This can very well be for both the dominant and submissive to have this as a driving force to but the man in chastity.

b) People that in some way have been sexually damaged. The reasons can be from some sort of abuse history, bad experiences with sex in their previous sexual history, some sort of medical situation, performance anxiety issues and probably others things I have not thought of. These people may have sexual drives and find pleasure in sex when alone but when with someone their issues prevent them from either enjoying it, become to stress out to perform or have a bad mental reaction to it. Just like with a above they can be drawn to this life and desire chastity to get intimacy while avoiding the sexual needs that a more regular relationship normally will thrust at them.

c) People repressing their sexual desires that go toward same sex attraction. Pretty straight forward as not everyone that has these feelings will act on them and plenty because of society as a whole, family and their religion choose to bury it inside them. For many in mainstream relationships this leads to a sparse at best sex life and often blows up in their face. But again some can see a power exchange relationship and include chastity in it as a way to divert and minimalize sex.

d) The woman is getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Now I am not so much talking about cuckolding but more often talking about a married woman who owns a slave that is not her husband. This is also something quite common with couples looking for a free servant and one or both do not want the third involved in a sexual relationship with them. They are expecting total devotion by the slave but are not interested in the responsibility of someone with a normal or above sex drive getting their needs met.

Of course very rarely in public discussion and often in private one on one discussions will you get any of these types of people to be honest about their motivations for chastity. Heck for many they are simply in a denial and do not know why themselves. But it is very simple that most of these people turn to chastity to justify their preference or to self medicate. We all want to be accepted as not too far out of the norm and are especially sensitive when it comes to sex. We often as human beings choose to try to bend people to our needs and desires rather then admitting to ourselves if we are not in the normal area and seek out someone that fits.

This type can be both long term and short term although more often then not the desire of the people driven by this tends to go on the long term. But that does not mean they will not do short term and just use chastity to still minimalize sex in their relationship.

2) Use chastity as a way to sexually torment their slave for pleasure, control, productivity and more times then not some combination of the three.

This is going to usually be the one you find more often then not in long term healthy and happy relationships just simply from the fact that most people function and enjoy sex on some level so that of course transfers through to power exchange. For those that tie in chastity to cuckolding this to me is just one aspect but is in the overall family of sexual torment.

For chastity to be sexual torment to me it has to meet the following criteria:

a) Expressly communicated that the male is being intentionally denied an orgasm. It is not chastity if the male just does not know when he will get laid again because his woman shows no interest in sex or says no when approached to.

b) The woman communicates why, what and how during his chastity. So communicate chastity to motivate obedience, inform the slave it brings her great pleasure to do so, communicate how it is going to go down and things of this nature.

c) People consider chastity to be a mutually active participation activity. In other words the sexual tormenting the slave combined with the lack of release is often very out there and active in the relationship. This is where many my fellow female dominants fail and cost them good relationships and good slaves. It is the sexual tormenting that helps the men with getting their sexual needs and desires met or in short term be at a higher level of obedience. The men are in essence trading quantity of orgasms for quality and quantity of a sexual energy in the relationship by not losing their needs and getting a hit in the submissive level by their balls getting drained.

Let us discuss the motivations of using chastity to sexually torment a man.

a) For pleasure. Simple for a female it can be just fun to do. For a man what I wrote just above stands as they are trading orgasms for longer and more intense in the sexual atmosphere of the relationship. Chastity for sexual torment often means an actual acceptance of the man’s cock and balls being important and not being dismissive of them.

b) Control the man’s cock you control the man period. For those not just weaned from internet delusional theory of submissive people are either selfless wonders of the world or are fake do me frauds, there was once and even now and then you can find it now that controlling a man by controlling his cock was the way to go. Where one did not wish for a man that had no sexual needs but wished for a man that was constantly horny because they were so beyond easy to control that it prevented the wishful thinking disease.

c) Motivation This could have been lumped in with b as it is probably more similar then different. Both dominants and submissive are not always on the same level/energy to be actively dominant or submissive and for some men obedience through short term chastity allows them to bridge the gap between where they want or need to be based on submission level and therefore obedience.

You can sexually torment a man by him being chaste both long term and short term but it depends on the how and motivations for doing so. Long term chastity does not work if the main motivations are for control and motivation. The human brain works like just any other animals brain and when there ceases to be a thought that today is the day or it is so infrequent then the male's motivation to be obedient to a high level will cease and often resentment or questioning the real reasons of the relationship. But you can have long term chastity situations where it is used as a sexual torment that brings pleasure to both as part of their sex life. But this again requires actively engaging the male in tormenting him so this gets his sexual needs sated and not just chastity and nothing.

It is vital if one desires chastity whether long term or short term that they figure out which type they are and seek out someone similar. Because if two people are not compatible when one goes looking at the motivations and desires for chastity then it will more often then not blow up in the people’s faces.

In part three I will dive into chastity devices in terms of the good, bad and my preferences.

Chastity I: Women’s Sexuality

I have wanted to write in detail about the topic of chastity in general for awhile. When thinking about how I wanted to go about writing the post it became clear that I could try to write all what I wanted to include and have a massive post going everywhere or I could separate it to multiple posts and chose the latter.

So what does a woman’s sexuality have to do with chastity? Well when in a relationship it kind of has a big deal to do about it. Most chastity discussion that I have ever read either has very narrow scope of all about the man’s penis or as part of cuckolding often the fantasy of finding a great bull and cutting the man off completely. Well, the thing is what a woman, especially a mistress, wants, needs and desires in her sexual life is going to be huge in how if chastity is in the relationship how it will go down. This is not meant to be the tell all of female sexuality but more just information I want to relate that will go toward chastity in the relationship.

Mixed signals

Women are bombarded by mixed messages and feelings the day puberty hits us if not sooner. On the one hand we are told not to be sluts and good girls do not do stuff. On the other hand we have urges just like men and are being told also to be proud of our bodies and caring for someone includes giving affection to them. Heck, this is even before any discussion of peer pressure even gets thrown into the mix.

The way we dress is one bizarre scenario after another. A woman can wear a bikini by a pool or beach and no one thinks much of it but if a woman wears short shorts and a shirt that shows off a midriff and cleavage on the way to a beach she is dressed as a slut. Wear something that shows off a nice body and some high heals in the wrong way or time she is a skank but high heels and a cocktail dress showing more skin but at a social event is sexy.

Actual sex though is the epitome of society’s mixed message for women. We are of course suppose to love sex when with the person we are with and have feelings for but at the same time we are to try to communicate that we like sex only when with them then just sex in general. We are at the same time suppose to be skilled and creative enough in bed to rock our man’s world but still try to act as virginal as we can.

Women are not water tight compartmentalized our emotions and mind frame count a lot.

Most men if we were to toss away society and relationship rules when horny could fuck pretty much anyone on a moments notice for the most part in terms of if a woman was to go down on them they would get hard and cum. For a woman that is not an automatic and if not in a decent mind frame in addition to being horny will not just easily get to the fun place. You can read, hear and listen to women who all the time who communicate that good sex and orgasms are as much a mental thing as a physical one. Our emotions do count for something.

Whether nurture or nature we tend to be more affectionate and sexually open/turned on the happier we are and when our heart is engaged. We also because of society teachings often connect our other’s love and happiness with us by how much they want to be affectionate and sexual with us. In essence a man always all over us for sex even when we are not in the mood is still way better then the man who stops touching us. Most women want to be considered/made to feel very sexually desirable.

Let us discuss sex and sexual drives

Ask a woman, read surveys or whatever but in terms of actual sex what they may prefer or need. While most, not all, will list oral sex as a thing that is very much enjoyed most will still want intercourse. Whether they prefer it to oral sex in some degree or quite simply besides the physical pleasure of a good fucking there is a very strong emotional connection/feeling gotten from being sexually penetrated either to feel love for the man doing it or just to feel like a woman in some way in the mind.

Because of the mixed signals I wrote about above, people who have suffered bad relationships or at least bad relationships at the end of them and the many female dominants and couples who go looking for free labor that the fact that women have sex drives can be forgotten. Well we women do have sex drives and they can range to the same degree as men from zero/asexual to anytime and anywhere please. For those with sex drive let us say average or more forget what relationship dynamic you have with your other and understand that these women a satisfying sex life of quantity and quality is something they want in their life.

What the hell has this to do with chastity?

I believe chastity is a cruel joke played on men and women who are drawn to it. To be in a relationship with love and in long term that is complete in terms of each others devotion and commitment to each other is complete means that both the man and woman’s sexual needs and desires get met in the relationship. So while the average male wants to be put in chastity they still want for the most part to have orgasms at some time and to be sexually tormented is sexually very satisfying to them. A woman may enjoy chastity by the fun of sexually tormenting their lover or to control their man they still have a sex drive of their own to get quenched.

So one can maybe see why chastity is a complex thing in a relationship when people want it? A woman may want chastity for their man whether short term or long term. Oral sex to satisfy them from a sexual and intimate needs and desires standpoint maybe good enough for some women but most are probably going to want intercourse the happier and hornier they are while also this emotionally feeds us and makes us feel closer to a man. Cuckolding is of course an option but some if not a very high percentage of women are one man woman very naturally and even those that may not be wired for that still have to leap over society hurdles.

It is easy to throw out chastity out of an interest or motivation for something and work back the reasons into a solid theory. Often when we read these theories they have just thought of the man, heck even people like me who believe control the man through his cock tend to be often too one note. But the woman’s sexual desires and needs play a pivotal role in how chastity will play out in a relationship for where it is desired. A woman’s sexuality is complex with mixed signals and not to be dismissed when thinking how chastity is to work in the relationship.

Part two will be about the two ways I see chastity used from a compatibility stand point between men and women.

Submission is a Gift

Cliché of give me a break or is their true affection and meaning in the term

This may be the most mentioned cliché and most people call bogus cliché as well. The truth in my opinion is not any one true meaning but how people interject themselves into a power exchange relationship.

There are two types of people that this term means nothing if they utter it:

1) They will act and be submissive to a person at the drop of a hat. Pretty simple if one is acting and being submissive to a dominant right from the get go or before knowing and developing feelings for the dominant then your submission is at best a very cheap gift. This is why many dominants that are looking for actual relationships that hopefully are long term will ignore and make fun of men who communicate from the start like they are already deeply submissive to them. It simply comes off as a game learned by men who spent more time in chat rooms with players.

2) I am never ever going to actually be submissive in terms of doing something I do not want to do but do it for you anyway. These are the opposite of #1. They use this cliché in order to string along someone they are interested in that wants to start putting some power exchange in their relationship or someone like a cyber player who want attention but does not want to really talk about the life so they talk make state this cliché as a warning not to talk about power exchange.

At best these people are genuine betas but are only going to do submissive things when and how they feel like it.

Can submission be a gift?

Most definitely!

If the submissive when developing feelings for their dominant chooses and needs to actually be submissive to them PERSONSALLY and not to just the general idea of being submissive then to me it can be quite the special gift. Over time I have heard the question how can a male slave have a backbone or come off as “normal”. Well this is often where it is determined.

When a submissive wants and needs to be submissive out of feelings then it is not an act or some role playing situation and it becomes about being submissive to the person that is dominant. The cliché of gift giving that it is the thought that counts you can switch one word and go the gift of submission is the desire to that counts. It can only be special and touching if the submissive does not throw it around offering it up to anyone.

This is also why the #2 I wrote about mean nothing as if one has feelings one would desire to be actually submissive at least in some ways and not just keep it just out of reach of the dominant. Submission comes from the person as who they are but in addition to how they feel about the other. Because when you are being submissive to just anyone it is not a gift because you are not giving anything away but when giving actual submission and therefore power over to your dominant because you want and need to makes it a gift.

FYI: I am in a stretch of some busy times and might be less prolific with my quantity of posts so please do not expect them to be as frequent as they have been. Lastly I want to thank all the regular readers of my blog, I have been surprised and touched just how many there are of you and I have only been posting for a real short time, thank you very much.

Punishment: One More Thing

I have received a couple of private messages in regards to a sincere defense against having a punishment dynamic. Basically these arguments that a punishment stresses them out over the state of the relationship and punishments could make them feel like they can never do any good. Now I do believe I covered these with what I wrote in general but did not address these specifically as how I framed the post seem to exclude writing about this.

As I wrote before any worse case scenario or some idiot can frame punishment in a power exchange relationship as being bad and destructive. The fact is pretty much any kinky things or aspects of power exchange can get framed that way and really when people argue these things they are in essence doing that. I do not want/like this so here is a worse case scenario and therefore this thing should not be done.

No one should enter into any type of power exchange and kinky things with someone with mental issues that cannot handle aspects of what is to be done. For punishment dynamic in a relationship a dominant who has mental issues where they punish constantly for anything that is non perfection and do it in an emotional abusive way is not an argument against having punishment in a relationship but one should not be with that dominant period. His mental issues will find or have other outlets anyway. A submissive who falls apart anytime someone suggests they are not perfect and can do no wrong is not someone to be in a relationship where you think you are going to have any power over them as well.

In terms of worrying about the relationship when punished then again can be cleared up in two ways. 1) Make sure punishable things have nothing to do with the loving and caring aspect of the two people. 2) An established communication of what is punishable and stick to it. This makes the punishments not as personal and in fact a good way to remove emotion as being a trigger. Now a slave also has to meet their owner half way and not use their emotions as weapons as well in order to in essence top from the bottom.

The fact is if one thinks they are going to punish until their idea of a perfect slave emerges are in for a cruel fate. If a slave is frequently screwing up that same thing in a same way that is punishable then the fix is not going to be a punishment and will be a sit down talk and see what the bigger issue is and what can be done about it. It may be a different approach to accomplish the same thing, it may be the dominant needs to change their expectations or this talk communicates the importance of doing the thing from the owner’s side that helps make the slave understand and fix the ongoing failure.

My personal opinion is that a punishment dynamic that is clearly communicated and strictly enforced is essential in a significant power exchange relationship. I personally believe that you punish for things that attack the dynamic and the devotion to the dynamic but never ever attack the person or the question of each other’s love and devotion to each other. Now maybe if there are ongoing problems that the dynamic does not work for one or both people and that destroys the relationship or forces significant changes but that is what clear communication is for and not using punishments as a fix all solution to any problem.

Here are three examples of the difference between the person and/or the relationship versus something that goes against the devotion to the dynamic.

1) If I was to ask my slave to make stuffed green peppers for diner and he made a comment like “Yuck” would not be something I would punish as it is simply an honest direct communication. But if when he was making it was moping around and making some dramatic actions to communicate he was not happy about the meal then I would punish as what he is doing is trying to communicate for me not to ever ask for them again or for me to change my mind.

2) I come home and see my slave on the couch watching a baseball game and something was not done that is a forever like routine thing. If in April and the score is 10-2 in the fifth inning then he is getting punished. But if it is in October and his team is playing a playoff game then I would not punish as that would be punishing the person.

3) Let me do something different for this last one. I give my slave a hand job after what I thought was a strict no masturbation order for a week. But it is clear when he cums that he has been masturbating quite recently. If even before the hand job he comes clean then probably a lighter punishment then if he came clean after I questioned him and in some way I would have been touched at his honesty. If though he stalls or denies he has been masturbating when clearly he has the punishment will be secondary to the sit down talk we have because he is now flaunting disobedience in the relationship with me.

Rant: False One Ways

Thinking one is communicating smart when they are communicating ignorance

Here are a few of my favorite false one way truisms that I have seen from when I first started out in this life seventeen plus years ago that are still making the rounds today. I will write a little on why they are false but just for general purposes just the fact the people that promote these things as one way by that thought itself makes them false.

1) A mistress/master needs to first start out as a slave so they can understand what it is like in order to become a good and safe mistress/master.

I am a dominant and not a submissive but to me when a dominant communicates that are they not being incredibly dismissive of what it takes to be a slave? Because what they are communicating is pretty much take a person wired as opposite as you can get and they can be what a submissive can be.

The truth of course is while you could probably pick up some things to help they are going to be of the top/bottom type stuff and when being owned and serving someone without the motivations and wiring a submissive has makes most of what they would be doing completely a waste of time. By the way, just by the fact that they propose this is a sign of just how inexperienced they are about M/s RELATIONSHIPS. These are people only capable of thinking in top/bottom scenes. Most often this myth is stated by older male dominants and pro dommes. The men usually quite a bit older and never actually started out of as slaves but they are trying to get naïve females to ignore the huge age difference by trying to scare them to run toward them.

When I see this communicated I always reply “does that mean to be a good slave they should start off as a mistress/master.” To this day I still have yet to have an actual answer to the question.

2) The only safe way to learn a toy for a dominant is to first get it tried on you.

Pretty much the same thing as number one, you can learn something but not really anything of actual importance. If you are not masochistic and/or have deeply submissive feelings for the person then you are just not going to even come within a light year of experiencing what the bottom will experience. Once again it sounds good when not given any serious thought and is for the top wonders trying to promote their safety cred.

A dominant/top needs to learn how to be observant, go slow and know the person they are with to be safe just off the top of my head. People that promote this are almost always local community wonders because their thoughts are squarely centered on playing with strangers and not about being in an actual relationship where toys get played with as well.

3) Do not trust anyone claiming to be a master/mistress if they do not have years of experience in the local communities and they should have proof of this.

See the common theme running through these? The same people trying to quantify their greatness so the naïve of the life choose them over others, like much younger and other things that make humans attracted and compatible to each other.

Now I will in the future probably write a series of post on local communities that will come off that I am highly troubled by what they teach and do. But the fact is I am a product of a local community and my issues are more about the all or nothing aspect they promote and people failing to take the good and still keep an open mind about differences. Fortunately for myself I was in college at the time and questioning the man, so I took the good and in my private life learn my ways and my interests.

In today’s world a mind that is open to learning something can learn it many different ways. Whether a local community, books, the internet and any way else you can think of there are ways to learn and be safe as normal human thoughts and concerns apply. My personal one way truism is to try to be exposed to many ways and thoughts of something and make up your own mind and see what works best for you to learn.

Local communities have many good things but one of the big negatives is they almost always, for reasons not always their intention, tend to have one way notes and are not very good at exploring all the possibilities.

4) A slave’s only desire should be to please their mistress.

I have written about this enough already but since this was a list of my favorite false one way truisms I would be remiss not to include this whopper.

5) Anything proclaiming female superiority to be actually true.

Wait a minute Jen are you not a female dominant, so why do you bash this? It is just stupid to think one whole gender is superior to another whole gender. Both genders have our share of wise people and idiots.

If you want more specifics, I do not have any desire to think or want to feel superior to anyone let alone my lover my slave. If I felt superior to him that would mean quite simply I would not respect him and that would mean I do not love him and would not be with him. This thought process is why it is so stupid.

It is cool to play the thought in some way and I do not have a problem with that. But please anyone who takes this seriously has some issues to work through or are trying to work through their issues by buying into this lie.

Power of Punishment

Mistress in a significant power exchange relationship is not an honorary title.

We can discuss in this life in a never ending way what are the most critical things for people to have and do to make a power exchange relationship be a healthy and happy one. Almost all things discussed once stripped away from ego thoughts and issues usually have validity. But one actual thing that can be done in many ways always will sink these relationships quickly and without fail. This one thing is when one or both people in the relationship are not devoted and invested in the other person AND the dynamic they have chosen to live. In other words you want a Mistress/slave relationship of significant power exchange in a long term way you do not call time outs or other ways that show you do not take the dynamic seriously like you supposedly take your other or anything other thing that is extremely important to you.

I do not look down but just explaining

I had someone write me privately asking why I thought roughly 50% of people who state they are in power exchange relationships are not really but in relationships with just well defined rolls and expectations. I will repeat first what I wrote when I first wrote that, anyone can call their relationship anything they darn well want and I am the first to defend your right and think you should be proud to do so.

But for me, and what I wrote back this person, whenever someone talks about if and how punishment is part of their dynamic is when to me it seems at least quite obvious. Most when this aspect is communicated run away from it or proudly in full ego go great lengths to announce they have no such thing in their dynamic because they do not need it. My thought each and every single time you have no punishment aspect because you have no power exchange dynamic of any significance.

Why is this?

Quite simply with no fear of not having to follow through or obey there is simply no way you can not chip away at showing devotion to the dynamic and this renders the dominant helpless and powerless if they are in love and want the relationship to continue. Because what the owner by not having anyway to confront something that would be punishable and not go bad and dark is just not there and what is there is normal relationship stuff. The usual passive aggressive behaviors and pulling back from the power exchange. Now this is a two way street because when an owner does not punish when it is suppose to be in the dynamic it betrays the commitment to the dynamic and sends a strong message of why bother to the slave.

But why do so many proclaim they are in a deep power exchange without any punishment dynamic is simple, ego. Is it just not awesome to project yourself as so perfect and so dedicated that mere words fixes things. But the truth is the slave who mailed it in when cleaning the bathroom will mail it in many times over knowing all they are going to get from the other is words when we are talking about a long term relationship. There just is no motivation there.

Why is then punishment aspect so important?

It is for four reasons:

1) There is a cause and effect to ones actions. Quite simply yin and yang again as one can choose to be disobedient in some way and have punishment as the price or one can choose to damage their devotion to their other and the dynamic by in many ways making a statement of the power exchange is optional.

2) There is a well defined process for dealing with things that are just going to happen. No ones perfect and no one is the perfect spouse including owners and slaves. A punishment dynamic is quite simply something that can ease nerves, stress the importance and devotion to the dynamic and maybe most importantly force both people to deal, forgive and move on that boosts the relationship or even help start to show flaws in it that can be dealt with. The punishment dynamic done in a healthy way promotes direct communication and not passive aggressive behaviors from both people. Call me crazy but it is a positive thing in a relationship and not a negative thing often communicated.

3) Motivation for the slave. One can project perfectionism of 24/7/365 always and everything about their owner but real life long term relationships and human beings are really not wired that way. The truth is fear of not doing something often motivates us. Again it is healthier to fear a punishment and do it then to hurt ones owner by when screwing up there is no penance as it just damages creditability to ones devotion to the dynamic and their other.

4) Prevents build up of issues and lack of devotion to the dynamic by both people helping to keep the dynamic and the people in the dynamic in the proper perspective. Just a common thing people do that causes great damage in relationship. A person gets hurt, dislikes what the other did or want something for the other and get frustrated when the other does not get it. What happens far too often is that a person keeps it all bundled inside until they explode in some way often at the other person and the explosion is so dissapportional to what set off the explosion the real issues become completely lost and not dealt with. Power exchange relationships are different from regular relationships in terms of often the people involved have strong aspects of wanting control and little if no ambiguity in the relationship. Things not dealt with tend to breed over reactions sometimes worse then other types of people.

The myths and exaggerations of the anti-punishment people

Here are off the top of my head the common thoughts that people who do not want a punishment dynamic push as like they have to be present if there is a punishment dynamic.

1) Cannot or will not live in fear of being punished constantly. I do not know why having a punishment aspect to the relationship somehow has to be translated into absolutely everything in ones life will be judged punishment or not or thinking an owner wants to do that as well. A punishment aspect of a relationship is going to be completely irrelevant if the couple is tripping over too many rules, rituals and thinking slave equates perfect human being or punished.

2) Disappointing my love one is the worse punishment of all. I trashed this one on my rants on loaded terms post. Basically this is lying and denial all amped up to absurdity. If one is that sorry for making someone disappointed in them they in the real and honest world would jump at a chance of an act of contrition and be forgiven. No people that put this out are just people not wanting to be punished or simply cannot handle the fact they did something that wronged someone in some way.  Many proclaiming this are the types that torpedo relationships very fast by not only not wanting to be sincere in being sorry to someone but then dump the issue without any effort of there own to the other person to make the wronged party try to make them feel better.

3) Anything that I would punish a slave for what a slave did was probably my fault anyway for lack of something. We dominants are just the perfect human beings and our reflection of that is our slaves. So if a slave screwed up it must because of something I did not intentionally but just a lack of forethought. Just sanctimonious load of crap as any owner who punishes because they were not clear enough or any other reason they feel was oops on me is just idiotic anyway. To me this type of thinking is just red flag of the highest order as it just screams lacking respect for the slave as a respected human being and people that think like this actually think they are superior to them and that can go off in so many bad directions.

4) Encourages a masochist or a slave seeking attention or play to act out. Because once again all punishments have to be of the pain variety and masochists with deeply submissive and slave personalities will override those feelings for pleasure if something would be a pain punishment. This is simply folly. A good punishment is a fitting punishment and if one truly thinks that can be the only punishment then might I suggest they have a very limited view of the power exchange life that would suggest a total lack of actually living in one.

What I do

I never punish because my slave disagrees with me no matter the tone. I never punish if I was too ambiguous or put my slave into some type of impossible or no win situation. I did not punish if there were life reasons that caused something minor I might have punished without those reasons.

But I do punish on things that are done that show a lack of respect and devotion to the M/s dynamic, things not done that the slave knew he had to do and had no reason not to do them and will punish when it is time to move on from a debate/argument and my slave cannot get over it if it is not some major thing. I also, call me crazy, believe and encourage in my relationships that my slave call me out for things I did wrong that do not respect the dynamic. I may not punish myself but the slave would get a nice reward if I was indeed at fault.

My reality in my former thirteen year relationship was that there were less then ten things ever done that I would call required a significant talk and some sort of significant punishment. I would say that roughly the same amount of things were called out by my slave on me as well. Now there were plenty of small things and short and quick punishments often meant to deter poor thinking and motivate my slave that doing something would be far easier then try to avoid it. But even those get measured at best one or two a month at best.

The truth about human social interaction

We human beings use punishment in are social interactions. There is simply no such thing as a punishment free relationship whether with friends, family or our lover. If someone does a wrong or perceived slight on us that goes unrecognized by the other or if it is something that bugs us we as a species have in our tool bag of behaviors ways to punish but just pretend they are not punishments. Anytime you have been or given a cold shoulder is in fact a punishment. Anytime you were not affectionate with your lover because you were upset at something they did or did not do is punishment. Every time you do not take a phone call from a friend you are upset at is a punishment. The delusion of the people who proclaim they do not have punishment in their dynamic is not the fact that there is not some agreed upon way to deal with something worth punishing for but the fact they think there is actually no punishment that ever goes on.

All people that adopt an outward punishment aspect in a power exchange relationship are doing is simply creating a way to have direct communication, contrition and clear forgiveness in an open and direct way. Trying to dismiss this by taking what some idiots might do in the old reliable state worse case scenario way is more about running away from the topic then dealing with it.

If It Was So Simple

Do you mind if I record this?

There is probably a serious discussion on what I am about to write that I reserve the right to pontificate to nauseam in the future but for now I just want o keep simple and light.

There are four things right off the top of my head that are important to me when I fuck a man:

1) I enjoy it.

2) He enjoys it.

3) If we enjoy it that he feels comfortable in wanting to do it again if we choose to.

4) That I do not use him in some way like mislead or do something that he would really be uncomfortable or disprove of.

I switched to an iPhone several months ago. When I first got it the phone came with all of the applications that are thought was a waste of space but since have found many of them to be very useful. But the one application that got my brain all excited and racing in all sorts of thoughts and possibilities was the app that allows a person to record from the phone and if you want email it to yourself or anyone.

Now all of you cuckolds and those thinking about wanting to be cuckold should be thinking the same thing that I think about and of course that is recording a little sex session with a bull with it. Now there have been ways in the past to do such a thing but often you were a prisoner to the way more then creating possibilities.

Here are some of the ones that my mind has come up with over the months I have owned this phone:

1) Email my slave after finished and in particular when he had no idea I was sleeping with a guy so it is a surprise to him when he gets it.

2) When I am back with my slave we play it back together and I add my commentary to the recording.

3) Make him some mix CD that has a bunch of love songs and sneak in a portion of a recording.

4) Same as #3 but make a whole CD of various best of recordings.

5) When having sex with my slave play the recording and tell him I need to listen to it because it makes it easier for me to imagine I am fucking someone besides him.

Difference between reality and fiction

Sadly though the reality of recording a sex session can be far more difficult to make happen then when we imagine such a thing in our fantasies as the biggest thing for this is the fact a third person has entered into the picture. I always can often tell when I have read people stories of cuckold situations where many of them clearly are pure fiction. The reason being because the man fucking the wife is often so non descript or out of stereotype central for bulls all happy to have the husband there and help humiliate them.

The reality is most men naked in the same room maybe outside of a gym shower can wig them out. Throw in having the husband in the room or in the house and that to most men is at best highly uncomfortable and at worse a no way and no how situation for them.  My point is going back to the four things I mentioned that are important when fucking another man. That the experience for both of us relies on each being comfortable and being able to focus on the sex without distractions as much as possible simply makes the best experience.

Now do not get me wrong you can find men that enjoy some or all of the more stereotyping elements of the bull role but for me personally I do not limit my sexual partners based on if they can do such things or not as it is far too limiting. This goes to recording sex on audio as to me I would not do it secretly to the man but have to have his agreement which more times then not would be at least awkward and with the strong probability of no way. Plus the odds are it would not help the sexual performance as it would way on the man’s mind.

But there will be men that will get into that. They will probably be the same men that enjoy and get turned on when I am with them and I call my slave up on the phone types would be my best guess as they seem to really enjoy tasting what they think is forbidden fruit.

So I go about my life now hoping to use this iPhone application soon. I just need to find the right man and to ask him if I can record what we do together and let the fun begin.

Happy vs Happy

At what price do we use others to get what we want even when it will be fleeting?

Let me finish with this topic as my third post in an unplanned trilogy of posts including the Selfless is a Myth and Manipulation isDelusional. In these things are comments and thoughts in a big picture way about doing things or trying to avoid things out of personal desires and wishes. We make up convenient beliefs and manifestos that benefit what we want to try to manipulate others to fit us or the game of pretending to be a great submissive and especially slave one must be selfless. It still leads down to what I have written in my blog that sounds very confusing for someone who is the submissive in a power exchange relationship. What is the difference or is there a difference between wanting/needing the mistress to be happy out of just in general or because they make the slave happy and therefore want that to continue.

Splitting Hairs?

One of the ways Buddhists can discuss what love is about is to accept who we love for who they are and not what they do for us or anything else that in essence we objectify them. So for example a rich man loves his trophy wife because he enjoys making others envious of him a Buddhist would not consider that love. An examples of power exchange would be a mistress focused on how good the submissive’s domestic skills and wallet size might be or a submissive who is obsessed with being feminized by a mistress. If they love them mainly because they do this for them then one would not say they love them for who they are but what they do for me.

But, and some might already have had this pop into your heads, is not what another does somewhat key in how we feel about them and therefore the Buddhist point is just theoretical mumbo jumbo? Well it is often a great source of a debate when talked about that is for sure. But there are distinct differences and they lie in what I have been talking about in the previous posts.

Compatibility and realistic desires and intentions

The difference between loving someone for who they are and loving what they do and make us feel lies with compatibility and not forcing one or both to put on a fake mask in order to get what we desire and need. In other words a mistress may demand their slave do all the cooking and cleaning but if she does this just to act like a mistress or the slave hates and resents doing all of it but does it so he can get something he wants then one is not there out of love.

Now this is not about taking each and everything we do in life and assigning them in terms of want to do them or not do them and figuring out the reasons. After all everyone in life that has any empathy and limited resources such as time and money does things on more then a daily basis that we would prefer not doing and this includes things in our relationships. But what the Buddhist are asking is for a person to take a step back and think basically if I am only doing this because or if they were not to do that then would I type thoughts. Basically in short do we through our own means try to manipulate or use the other person to be something they are not in order to want to be with them or are we on the other side of this?

Force is one of those tainted words when we talk about power exchange. Because many that practice oppose the word as being scary and more likely do not actually have power exchange in their relationship. But of course many that do have power exchange in their relationship and force is a very good thing. It though still is about compatibility and the big picture in terms of when doing the things we find less pleasant in our lives and/or not in the moment feel but the responsibility is still on us is it for the greater good or does it slowly erode the greater good and build resentment with the other until the relationship crumbles. For many in power exchange of course this can be tricky as force, domination and suffering in the moment brings great pleasure overall and this includes dominants as well. For example having to lead and make decisions when we do not want to but know it is our responsibility to.

My point being when there are one way manifestos, unwillingness to accept the other person for who they are needs and desires included. When we suffer through with no benefit but just to get something, then we are not accepting the other for who they are but what we want from them. While one or two people can keep wearing the masks whether manipulated to put on or we wear voluntarily that only delays the inevitable that something is wrong and one or both are not accepting one or both for who they are but just what they can do for me.

How and where does this occur in power exchange relationships?

Where this occurs is what I have written about in this trilogy. It is when we regardless of role or gender decide to believe in one way truisms in order to manipulate people. It is the slave has only one need and that is to please and obey their owner. It is coming up with crazy ideas about long term chastity without any effort to torment, humiliate and focus on the chastity for a man that has a healthy sex drive because the dominant does not enjoy sex.  But submissives can be just as insincere and manipulative when they play the I wan that to or I think I can be this in order to get with anyone except trying for the right one.

How it occurs is simply often the case of too soon or too late. Whether a mistress wants her house cleaned so she jumps on the chance of a man that peaks her interest or whether a submissive looking for something kinky says anything and tries anything to get it then in both cases the other has objectified the other and have contaminated their judgment of the other. In terms of too late the most common is when a person from either roles wants to establish a relationship and have invested in the relationship to the amount of developing strong feelings but have not done any power exchange yet. At this time one or both have invested too much in the relationship leaving them vulnerable to wearing that fake mask in order to try to make the other happy.

For us to be happy in a long term healthy and loving relationship the only way is to be accepting of the one we are with for who they are. For those who choose to manipulate another that can range from delusional wishful thinking to abuse and for those who try to be something they are not in order to make the other happy is the yang to the former yin. We have a choice in the power exchange life just as we have a choice in any other relationship dynamic, to deal with the realities of a human being or be eternally frustrated, manipulating and lonely by projecting what we cannot maintain or think we can get someone else to.


Promise a more fun and upbeat post for the next time as I am tired of this area as much as some of you must be tired of reading it! 

Manipulation is Delusional

Convenient Manifestos: The foolishness of trying to change the reality of the world when the reality of it does not work for you.

This is a repost of a journal entry on my Collarme profile. I thought it was a nice companion piece from my Selfless is a Myth post. It has been edited to make it more independent of Collarme and the more single topic of female dominants looking for no sex slaves in a committed relationship to any type of delusional manifesto preaching to try to get the masses to come to them with the former being the example.

There is a lot of manipulation that goes on in this life when people talk about it and specifically go after finding their other in it. It transcends role or gender. Dominant can often be way more in your face with these manipulations as often take just what they want and proclaim it the right way and any real/true dominant or submissive should therefore be [insert what they want]. Submissives can be as bad but are often subtler and usually just use the phrase “the person I submit to will be” or something like that to get what they want.

The key to having happiness in your life as much as possible is being self aware and understanding and respecting the reality of life which includes other people. Taking this to relationships it is critical to understanding that people and genders can be different in a few things and to respect that.

Now to me I am always reminded of this when I see female dominants create and promote a manifesto that sex is irrelevant to a power exchange relationship. Most humans crave some form of intimacy and we all have sex drives from none (asexual) to high. Often the human being feels intimacy in a sexual way or being real intimacy often leads to sex or sex often leads to intimacy in terms of how we normally interact as human beings. For most of us on the planet our need for intimacy with our lover and our sex drive are fairly even that gaps are not that noticeable. But for those that need intimacy but with low or no sex drives or people with high sex drives but low need for intimacy problems can be great.

There are female dominants out there that come to this life because they have significantly low or no sex drive. This life appeals to them for many reasons but one is the manipulation of if I have power I can control sex and not have it while still having intimacy often created maybe from an S&M scene but often by having a man do things for them out of their love and devotion to them. Is there anything wrong with this? Absolutely no!

But the problem comes when they try to manipulate people that are not compatible into their way. It is difficult to be self aware and face the truth of the personal situation and the realities of life and other people. There is after all a societal judgment thought about for people who presents themselves to not liking sex. Therefore it is simply easier to manipulate others into your way is the right way then face the truth of being in a very small minority.

It is easy to say men only think with their dick and mean it as a put down. The reality of life men thinking with their dick is a big thing but just not the only thought. For dominants like me that are very sexual in nature it can make controlling a man so easy when we accept and embrace this reality. It is unfortunate but many female dominants with low or no sex drives or get their sex elsewhere so they are just seeking service subs choose to manipulate into serious delusion that a male submissive just should never think with his cock and any sex drive is irrelevant.

People that are in a spot to have happiness and love in their life from being with another person is someone that can be self aware of who they fit and accept people for who they are and not what we want them to be. For instance I have a high sex drive and it is not a coincidence that I do not like any type of long term chastity and very much enjoy cuckolding my slave. A female dominant with a low sex drive might be happier to have long term chastity for their male but probably will not be into cuckolding.  I would not be compatible with a man with little or no sex drive and the latter would not be compatible with one with a high sex drive.

So you see female dominants with low or no sex drive speak out constantly about loser horny men posing as subs because they need to manipulate their thoughts and beliefs into a delusional theory of sex is not important for people and therefore especially real/true male submissives. The submissive version of this manipulation is with men with low or no sex drives or other sexual dysfunction seek out long term chastity and inform people that real Mistresses keep slave chastised and cuckold them.  (Please note I am specifically referring to men that are drawn because of their abnormal low sex drive and therefore try to hide it by being chastised. There are plenty of men with normal or high sex drives that find chastity a great thing. Their requirements for it to work are far different then these men and require a far different mistress then a low or no sex drive mistress.)

If you look close enough these manifesto people are everywhere in all roles and genders. While this post focused on a common female dominant false manifesto there are all types from all groups. These manifestos will appear everywhere from online personals, message boards and blogs like mine but they can be often present in local communities as well. Many, not all, local community cliques have been formed by a few people believing one thing and seeing a majority dismiss it.

The problem is not as much serious because of the delusion being so life limiting but many times these manifestos are real big compatible issues. So getting back to the female dominant with little or no sex drive might be motivated to create manifestos, rules, guidelines all focused on minimalizing sexual and kinky stuff. To make them off limits when talking about things and to always hark in a way that they clearly want to diminish them as an expectation to people they are interested in.

These people often show frustration from the delusion though because they have failed to be honest with themselves. What people do when they develop these false manifestos is take a big issue they have that goes against the norm and try to force others to deal with it instead of themselves. Back to the example I have been using, the asexual dominant is not alone or had a string of short term relationships that did not turn into anything because of their sex drives or other sexual issues. But their failure is the fact they fail to recognize that they are not in the normal area and when they try to manipulate people with healthy sex drives that this will end up in failure. Instead they need to be honest with themselves and start being honest with finding their other by acknowledging this aspect and look for someone right up front compatible.

When some writes to them a one note truism that goes against basic human drives and behaviors like “Sex is not important in a power exchange relationship” or “chastity can direct sexual needs into slave obedience and service” it is often a manifesto of wishful thinking. A person spouting manifestos may or may not be dangerous and mentally healthy. But they are very much trying to manipulate others to buy into their thoughts because it is what they need and have grown frustrated in life by the fact they are not the rule but more of the exception. But instead of accepting this and dealing with knowing it will limit to a very tiny percentage of people compatible or working on the issue so they can do and be happy with the more mainstream desires they in a form of denial try to make the mainstream change for them.

FYI: Safety and I

I get messages from people on the site frequently that I have posted a little bit on about since I am a doctor how I should write a lot more about safety in my posts and in particular in the group that is all about safety. I rarely if ever will talk about safety anywhere period and only occasion I will write about it is in something I think cannot be taken the wrong way or cause problems to someone who misreads it.

Here are the four reasons why I refuse to discuss safety. There really is not one more then the other that is a driving reasons as all of them are pretty big.

1) Cannot ever know all the individual facts of the user and simply not going to risk giving bad advice because even if one idiot takes advice from a complete stranger that is one too many. Call it legal liability or my experience as a doctor knowing just how stupid the human being is towards their own health regardless of IQ points and education. But people more often then not look for the easiest way out. Simply put most people read and hear what they want to and not what was actually written or spoken.

THERE CAN BE NO ALL ONE NOTE HEALTH ADVICE! The human body is an extremely complex machine and with so many variations in it naturally before you bother to factor into it age, health and any other current medical situation with it. There is no such thing as an educated informed comment of doing this is ok or harmful for most things that are not already obvious to a remotely sane human being. There is no way I am going to spew information and advice knowing all of it depends on the individual and at best minuscule histories they give online.

2) Call it an ego thing but I do not want to write something and get it challenged by anyone with an anecdotal example that may or may not even be remotely the same. Nor do I want to write anything and shut off all others sharing like what I write is final.

I am both way more qualified then most others who contribute to a topic but I am still not remotely thee authority on all things to even suggest when writing something that no one should not think about what I have written and just buy into it. (This by the way goes for any words typed in this blog!)

3) Safety in this life is talked about more out of controlling people then actual safety.

Almost all topics about safety and especially topics where people bring up safety are not places to bring up safety. What people are trying to do when a topic comes up and their main or only contribution to the topic is “it is dangerous and only/never…” type comments they are trying to make themselves look awesome. So people that bring up safety as why they do not do something are really trying to say those who do are fools, losers and sometimes abusers. When dominants bring up only doing something after then list their resume all they are really doing is I am awesome and all interested should start with me.

4) Even sincere people discussing safety often loose all perspective.

The problem when people take a subject and just write about safety issues is that often the only thing that is happening is a projection of the worse case scenarios being the most likely outcome. Often the odds can be extremely remote and there is no education and awareness actually going on but can make anything we do appear to guarantee certain death.

We as human beings take risks constantly in our lives on a daily basis. Downing caffeine in the morning has health and safety risks. Wearing heels has risks. Do we drive the safest car on the road and drive it the safest way and even if we do driving a car has risks. What are you eating and exercising habits, do you smoke and did you dress appropriate for the weather and not just for comfort or looks. Because all of these contain risks and most just as big if not a lot larger in our life then much of what is discussed online kinky community forums.

We as humans can only understand our risks and decide which ones we are willing to take and how far we are willing to do them in as safe as way as possible. I myself have consciously chosen to live a life of not being afraid to live and I am not going to contribute to fear mongers that use safety as a tool of manipulation and control. There is plenty of safety advice in cyber that one should NEVER take an opinion of one person or a few people you do not know on some kinky forum.

Selfless is a Myth!

There was a Friends episode once where Phoebe and Joey went back and forth on the issue there is no such thing as a selfless act which was Phoebe’s contention. This is also mine with one disclaimer of something like risking one’s life for a complete stranger in a spur of a moment situation and things like that I would say are not totally selfless but to me are more like that then where you could put it anywhere else.

The big lie promoted by both dominants and submissives

“A slave needs to put all of their owners needs and desires ahead of their own” or sometimes seen in a more politically incorrect form “A slave only desire is to please their owner”.

As a doctor and one that has been very physically intimate with a few male submissives I hate to puncture this thought but the truth is a submissive human being is still a regular old human being. I personally have not found them to be altered to where they are naturally totally selfless human beings with just one need in their human body.

Why oh why is this idiotic thought practically everywhere where power exchange is discussed?

Because both roles love to communicate this! The reason my friends is one word, ego!

Dominants need to promote this between this is an idealized thought in a perpetual get out of jail free card that anything they do is right and good and enjoying the thought of a person who is so selfless in their devotion to me must make me awesome! But the fact is the real reason is many female dominants have deep flaws and/or often not remotely dominants as well. They need to have a theory to justify being selfish, crappy to another human being and not look in the mirror and see why another slave dumped them. So we see them promote this because if taken at face value means they are truly omnipotent in their relationship and cannot be the cause of anything wrong. That any slave in their ownership who complains or asks for things is not really a slave but a “do me” sub because they express a desire or need besides just serving their owner.

Then why do submissives let this idiotic thought go pretty much unchecked is an ego thing just like with dominants. It is pretty darn great to think of oneself as selfless in the grand old scale of how decent a human being I am. People in general and men especially love to rank themselves and my slave brought this to my attention. Men in this life absolutely adore thinking all the other men are losers and they are one of the few that is an actual submissive. This is why they do not trash foolish stuff like this and why femdom in cyber is so often this lame one note. 

A slave is not happy because they are serving on such a deep level to entertain thoughts of actually being selfless but a happy slave needs to serve deeply the one that makes them happy.

I just paraphrased this from what another blogger wrote that was sent to me awhile back. I am sorry I cannot give them credit as I have lost where it was from.

If I was a male submissive looking for a long term severe power exchange relationship I would make sure the mistress that owned me got this sentiment and did not buy into the slave is a selfless person sentiment.

There is no such thing as a selfless slave or a slave that only has one desire and need which is attending to their owner’s needs and desires. The fact is when we are fortunate enough as mistresses to be with a slave who needs to make our happiness their first and by farthest number one desire it is because we have made them happy and truly caring for us as a person. The slave’s zealot obedience and devotion is totally a selfish behavior from being happy, in love, needs and desires being met and wanting it to not change. Now this does take a slave to have a character trait of being unselfish but the truth is if they have gone so far in the relationship where the two people are happy in their power exchange relationship then that unselfishness has long since been proven.

Motivations are always personal

This goes to what I wrote above. Even slaves are strictly motivated by personal needs and desires. In ANY long term situation one need never ever consumes anyone, including a slave over other needs. Anyone who thinks or promotes this is just not very bright, not thought things through or is intentionally preaching it for self justifications that do not add up and pass the decent person test.

The best example I can use is when some female dominants preach a long term chastity situation on a slave and think that will make the slave transfer their sexual energy and focus to energy and focus on them. The fact is that can work in the short run but long run is idiotic. This is because if done in the long run it just becomes about a man not getting any sexual release as the thought and need of doing it for my mistress will fall back or be overtaken by other needs and desires. Anyone thinking a sexual drive from anyone with an average or above thinks that can be transferred long term someplace else or ignored altogether regardless of gender or role is one very delusional human being.

But if two people are compatible for long term chastity it will be because both get their personal needs met by it. For a slave with a sex drive it will not be obedience to get a release as long term renders that carrot meaningless. But for most male submissives long term chastity done in a way that is one long foreplay makes these men simply craving it. They are not transferring sexual energy into obedience but the chastity and how the dominant torments them sexually with it causes them to be so happy that their obedience and need to serve blossoms. The slave is not selfless but is in fact getting many needs, including their sexual ones, met.

Be careful of the mistress that truly thinks a slave should genuinely only need to obey and please their mistress. Quite simply the mistresses that think that do not have a clue or are so self esteem challenged they will suck a slave dry of energy and toss them aside because they are drugging themselves by delusional thinking that they are awesome because of how the man worships them.

Always keep your thoughts grounded in real life

All people in this life are regular human beings with the same desires and needs in terms of the fact we have many. People regardless of role or gender in this life who believe anything different are in trouble of going through this life frustrated and alone more often then not as they see one relationship burn out after another. The biggest things that make these relationships work are the same that make any other type of relationship dynamic work, MUTUAL effort and accepting a person for who they are and not just what you want from them. For femdom this is having to realize a female dominant must put effort into the relationship and remember, deal and care that their other will have other needs besides making them happy. For a submissive this means stop buying into the hype they must be selfless and then see a relationship blow up in their face when some needs are not being met and directly or indirectly they get acted upon.

It is the happy slave who is obedient and lives to serve and not a slave just lives to serve.

I will end with a personal example

I am so far from a perfect person it is a complete joke. I am controlling, sadistic and so left brained I average at least once a day another human being scratching their head or upset with me because I come off cold because I say something all from the brain and not filtered by my heart. That is just the start of the list. But I try not to be selfish.

My slave Dave and I live forty-five minutes apart. I could do what cyber female dominants often project what a female dominant do and never pop into my car and drive to him. I mean after all he should only be about making my life easier and better. But in real life we have a real relationship and why so many in cyber are either single in perpetual search or given up have a real loving long term relationship and choose a long string of casual use the men up and toss them aside. We are at a stage that just on weekend seeing each other does not work and especially so if I have to work one or two days.

I could order him to come down and he would be willing to once or twice a week to visit me when he gets off work and then has to drive back to be at work the next morning. It would be easiest for me. But this would also burn him out and make him less happy in the relationship and that could spell doom which would be tragic if that was to be the main reason the relationship ended. But I drive up to him on days off during the week I have not out of selflessness but in wanting the relationship to work and making sure I have a happy slave and not a put upon slave. Because it is not all about me but all about us based on personal needs and desires getting met and that touch of magic that draws two people together. It is reality and not fantasy justified by idiotic theory that often dooms a relationship.

Who Do I Bed?

So many men besides my slave to fuck but so little time…

I have always gotten a bunch of questions that boil down to the other men in the equation of cuckolding. My first thought was a post like my others put I had difficulty thinking about a way to go about writing it in a somewhat organized manner. Instead I decided to just write about it through a series of questions and answers.

Disclaimers:

1) This is not like most of my other posts in terms of taking a subject and being broad in theory form. This is mostly just about me and my personal preferences and experiences.

2) Questions came off the top of my head and are not in any order of importance or meant to flow.

Do you play with other submissives?

Great the first question even if it is not really about sex necessarily. I did want to answer this somewhere in my blog though.

I do not play or even meet other submissive men for a specific reason. Since sex is not something in my relationship that shows love and devotion in an exclusive way I am sensitive to anything that can also show that. Therefore my faithfulness to my man is shown by not being with other submissive men. For me personally my man’s devotion, obedience and willingness to suffer for me are the greatest, most touching and intimate things a man can do for me and I want to celebrate them in our relationship and not cheapen them by dilution.

Do you fuck dominants?

When I first started out cuckolding I would quite often as it was simpler in some ways. Over time my experience just were not all that good that I pretty much will avoid people in the power exchange life to bed. Personally my experiences I came to this preference because:

1) My favorite men to bed are ones that will overwhelm me sexually. I found while dominants can of course dominate they are overall worse then average at overwhelming me sexually. What I basically mean by this is many dominant men need too much validation of their sexual prowess and asks way too many questions during sex and that never allows my brain to be turned off and become overwhelmed.

2) A big problem with people in power exchange is assigning everything they do dominant and submissive characteristics and qualities. Too many dominants thinking sticking their penis in me means I have somehow submitted to them and think they can somehow get a relationship based on what they are deluding themselves into thinking what is going on. I am not looking to bottom or have some secret submissive side.

3) They often inevitably say something so stupid I lose all respect for them. For some reason despite communication to the otherwise most dominant men I was with knew I was of course cuckolding my guy and thought they could say something insulting and dismissive of him. Now if we were all together and playing it up for fun that is one thing but they inevitably would do this when we were in private and were serious. I have never understood why they cannot figure out the man I openly am with and have certainly told him I love many times and the man insults him. Do not ever go there!

Then who the hell do you fuck?

1) Open minded friends and co-workers. If my best path was not power exchange my next best path that I would have followed and is still within me is a person with pretty extreme hedonist beliefs. I am one that thinks sharing oneself sexually to a friend is not anything more then doing many others things we do for our friends. For example I am currently banging a friend who is going through a nasty divorce and child custody situation. He is too afraid to date anyone and I felt sorry for him and offer up my body to him when he feels the need to find a sexual outlet.

The other big area of this is my job situation. Working in an ER and night shifts means high stress, seeing and dealing with some serious bad shit and going home when most people are going to work. A good fuck is often a normal way to deal and decompress and hookups a common thing and something I enjoy and take full advantage of. Plus with irregular and uncommon off days it is just somewhat natural to hang with co-workers.

2) Men that catch my fancy. Not too often but sometimes between being horny and a way a man catches my sexual thoughts I can be seductive and try to bed him. It can be a one time or something ongoing based on the situation, what happens and any ongoing feelings of the lustful variety. These work really well when humiliation is desired in the cuckolding relationship as I am not a great actress and the more real vibe I am specifically horny for a man makes it more humiliating to my slave.

3) Self esteem boost. Sometimes a girl enjoys knowing she still can get a man to really want to nail her. There are just times I have found myself in situations where I had not planned to but somebody makes the moves on me that they make me believe I am very sexy to them that I will respond to. For example I joined a gym when I moved to KC and a twenty year old man flirted with me until I was so flattered he got to do me several times although I had nothing in common and pretty much wished he could shut his mouth and not talk.  But it was a nice reminder of the recovery power of young men and women’s gyms would be packed if they had that type of option for burning calories.

4) The cuckolding part is the main drive of the sexual activity. Maybe between longer stretches of not stepping out on my man for the way life sometimes work but most often just the lust that specifically seeking out and doing things to maximize the power exchange cuckolding experience I sometimes want to really indulge in it. For example weekend getaways and vacations I particularly get in the mood to do this. My ex and I would go on vacation in warm places often because he was an avid scuba diver. So while he would go off scuba diving I would head off to the beach or pool and troll for some cock. Some of the best times we had was hooking up with someone(s) and him be left alone all day and night often with some people at the place we were staying knowing what was going on.

How often do encounters happen?

There is no pattern or some ultimate goal with my sex life. I do like to cultivate a few friends with benefit types around but people have lives to live, get busy, not comfortable doing it in an ongoing situation and things like that. Having a “bull” or a “lover” (a term I never use) can be very enjoyable for many reasons but they do not usually last as they inevitably push for more then I will give and often will develop feelings or at least pretend to so they can try to manipulate me.

I have had plenty of significant stretches where no sex is happening and had stretches where I was so busy I was stretching myself too thin. I am not built for monogamy and life experiences have had me embrace this then be scared by it so I am more then likely to seek out then wait for something to happen when I go too long without.

Do I do date things, weekends together or trips with other men?

In general no to trips but might not rule that out in the future depending on the circumstances. Something like I have a lot more vacation time then my guy and a man I trust will not try to turn it into something more then it is then I would consider it.

Short things like weekends or an equivalent is totally open but the reasons have to be for something other then what my man can or wants to provide. For example when I was living in Denver with my odd days off I would think nothing of going with a man for a few days of skiing and frolicking during days my slave had to work. I have out of friendship played the girlfriend for a guy for a wedding out of town for example.

Date things are pretty much a must for any man that wants to see me on an ongoing basis. A lot of the non sexual stuff really can be the major catalyst in the humiliation aspects of cuckolding. Just reports of wham bam sex are not as deliciously effective as describing a whole night with romantic foreplay or doing things that got us so worked up we had crazy sex.

This stuff is often where you start walking up to the line and have to be careful. To just sex does not really do enough in the mind but doing things too much like your slave is truly completely replaceable is going too far. The goal and fun of what I like to think of as living a cuckold relationship compared to doing cuckold by scenes requires regular head play as opposed to more often in scene just little brain play.

What do I look for in a bull?

I am probably fairly common in what I look for in men compared to many women in terms of the mind for the most part wins out of sheer physical looks. Certainly if I like someone enough to be a friend and go to bed with them then looks do not really matter. I can have just a good of time with a well overweight and balding man then with a man that looks like Matt Damon.

Now in just a man for the most part just being sexual obviously you are not really looking for some complete guy and physical appearance can be the first thing we notice so I will not play political correct. I like men with great eyes that are of average build. Clean appearance and short hair a must. I dislike a lot of body art and men who are either too skinny or too muscle bound.

But what is going to spring my legs open fast is a man with a self confidence that conveys I would be lucky to get with them while coming off as non jerks or men with issues. As I wrote in my motivation entry I love submissive men and are actually attracted to them but the change of pace of getting with a man who does not need my approval and will take me for the ride is very good thing. I think this is not uncommon for a woman that cuckolds in a loving relationship and if you filter through the fiction and taking things to extreme in cyber is why all the bull type stereotypes seem to have traction when females contribute to the information. Basically all the alpha type characteristics and “real man” type comments are just a woman allowing when with one like that to turn off her alpha and enjoy the ride.

Does cock size matter?

 No! Too big can be the biggest problem I have as too small can have plenty of work arounds to please both. Yes, a larger cock can be somewhat more exciting then a smaller cock when you first feel/see it but that excitement or lack of excitement will be rendered meaningless depending on everything else. My ex had an above average cock that was about as big as I really enjoyed the most. My current sweetie has an average size and I adore it.

Cock size as importance outside of extreme small or large is something I equate to a kinky sexual thing. For most it does not matter, for some it is better but not needed and for size queens it is a true fetish where it is a turn on and sometime to the point the only way they can orgasm.

Does race matter?

I am planning eventually to write a post with this exclusively as a topic so I will be brief. No, race does not do anything for me. I welcome all races to my body!

Do you do different things sexually with other that you do not do with your slave?

No, my slave is the man that I love that is there with me, hopefully, day in and day out. I have no desire to deprive myself of sexual enjoyment by withholding something I enjoy and wait for another man to enter the picture. Outside of I do not top anyone but my slave I also do not withhold anything sexually from my bulls that I give to my slave.

Cream pies, do them or not?

While this seems to be a cyber obsession and many male cuckold wannabes really want to eat the cum of the men from their woman’s ass and pussy I only practice anal and vaginal intercourse with a condom on my bulls. Now while I think the internet tells of no protection sex all the time and I am sure there are some that in fact do this my bet is a fairly big majority of women are like me.

Now for my ex thirtieth birthday I did let a man I trusted very much cum inside me so he could enjoy this thing and I did it a few more times for him as a surprise over the years but that was the exception.

While not the same, there are ways to use the other man’s cum to humiliate and degrade your slave and I will save those for another time.

Do you have trouble finding men willing to fuck a married/attached woman?

No! I have had plenty of men though reject me because of it and all sorts of other reasons but if I am horny and determined enough I have been fortunate enough in life to find a man I am attracted to and willing.

One of the big benefits of  not caring if other people know I am not faithful and in fact more times then not enjoying they know is it is the best advertising available to attract people.

What do I tell other men about my situation with my other?

It all depends on the man and the situation. Generally I avoid power exchange type comments all together. I may hint at I wear the pants in the family or if the situation is where the man fucks me while my man is present, in the home or he picks me up when my guy is there then I may talk specifically about me cuckolding him in more straightforward terms.

But most of the time it is don’t’ ask and don’t tell which I think most men prefer. If pressed by a man I really like I will sometimes go I am into an agreed upon open marriage. If the man knows me as friend/coworker like way that is a pretty easy thing to sell and move on with. Pretty much any ongoing thing the man will have to get comfortable that my slave knows he is fucking me and the best bulls are ok and have no problem then being around my slave even if it just a quick hello and goodbye thing.

This is a pretty big play it by ear thing. Some men cannot handle that the man knows no matter the situation and some men just enjoy the illusion of taking me sexually thinking it is illicit.

Now some of the most fun to be had in cuckolding is being with the other guy and calling your slave. Now some men calling your guy especially when naked in a bed is too much for them. But some whether they know my guy is ok with it or they enjoy the deception a lot of fun can be had.

My main goal though in what to say is not to make the other man uncomfortable because of something I did because it hurts the quality and quantity of the sex.

Do you enjoy fucking men in front of your man or something more private?

It is complicated and something to write as an individual post. The quick answer is I like variety and enjoy both to be in my life. But the other guy is really everything in the equation to what you can do and how much fun or lack of fun it can be.

I am though as I have expressed now I can classify at many times a person that lives in a cuckold relationship and not one who cuckolds as a scene thing. There are simply always more factors then creating a performance and the goal for all is something we all enjoy and get a benefit out of, including my slave. For this reason I tend to not obsess on this particular aspect.

When you are fucking the other man do you think about your slave?

It just depends on the situation, my mood, the other man and on and on. Sometimes I never think of my slave and sometimes the humiliating cuckolding thoughts are the main things stoking a pleasurable experience. But most of the time it is somewhere in the middle where I can at times being doing one or the other when with another man.

Examples if I am stress out or bugged by seeing a particular bad thing at work and I bang a coworker the odds are my slave is never thought of. Just like if I have my slave help me prepare for a date and know afterwards we will re-live the date together then the odds are pretty good I will play up the cuckolding aspect big time in my head for pleasure.

It is something after all that can bring great pleasure when I am fucking a man that is not my slave and he just takes it like a good little slave should.