Rant: False One Ways

Thinking one is communicating smart when they are communicating ignorance

Here are a few of my favorite false one way truisms that I have seen from when I first started out in this life seventeen plus years ago that are still making the rounds today. I will write a little on why they are false but just for general purposes just the fact the people that promote these things as one way by that thought itself makes them false.

1) A mistress/master needs to first start out as a slave so they can understand what it is like in order to become a good and safe mistress/master.

I am a dominant and not a submissive but to me when a dominant communicates that are they not being incredibly dismissive of what it takes to be a slave? Because what they are communicating is pretty much take a person wired as opposite as you can get and they can be what a submissive can be.

The truth of course is while you could probably pick up some things to help they are going to be of the top/bottom type stuff and when being owned and serving someone without the motivations and wiring a submissive has makes most of what they would be doing completely a waste of time. By the way, just by the fact that they propose this is a sign of just how inexperienced they are about M/s RELATIONSHIPS. These are people only capable of thinking in top/bottom scenes. Most often this myth is stated by older male dominants and pro dommes. The men usually quite a bit older and never actually started out of as slaves but they are trying to get naïve females to ignore the huge age difference by trying to scare them to run toward them.

When I see this communicated I always reply “does that mean to be a good slave they should start off as a mistress/master.” To this day I still have yet to have an actual answer to the question.

2) The only safe way to learn a toy for a dominant is to first get it tried on you.

Pretty much the same thing as number one, you can learn something but not really anything of actual importance. If you are not masochistic and/or have deeply submissive feelings for the person then you are just not going to even come within a light year of experiencing what the bottom will experience. Once again it sounds good when not given any serious thought and is for the top wonders trying to promote their safety cred.

A dominant/top needs to learn how to be observant, go slow and know the person they are with to be safe just off the top of my head. People that promote this are almost always local community wonders because their thoughts are squarely centered on playing with strangers and not about being in an actual relationship where toys get played with as well.

3) Do not trust anyone claiming to be a master/mistress if they do not have years of experience in the local communities and they should have proof of this.

See the common theme running through these? The same people trying to quantify their greatness so the naïve of the life choose them over others, like much younger and other things that make humans attracted and compatible to each other.

Now I will in the future probably write a series of post on local communities that will come off that I am highly troubled by what they teach and do. But the fact is I am a product of a local community and my issues are more about the all or nothing aspect they promote and people failing to take the good and still keep an open mind about differences. Fortunately for myself I was in college at the time and questioning the man, so I took the good and in my private life learn my ways and my interests.

In today’s world a mind that is open to learning something can learn it many different ways. Whether a local community, books, the internet and any way else you can think of there are ways to learn and be safe as normal human thoughts and concerns apply. My personal one way truism is to try to be exposed to many ways and thoughts of something and make up your own mind and see what works best for you to learn.

Local communities have many good things but one of the big negatives is they almost always, for reasons not always their intention, tend to have one way notes and are not very good at exploring all the possibilities.

4) A slave’s only desire should be to please their mistress.

I have written about this enough already but since this was a list of my favorite false one way truisms I would be remiss not to include this whopper.

5) Anything proclaiming female superiority to be actually true.

Wait a minute Jen are you not a female dominant, so why do you bash this? It is just stupid to think one whole gender is superior to another whole gender. Both genders have our share of wise people and idiots.

If you want more specifics, I do not have any desire to think or want to feel superior to anyone let alone my lover my slave. If I felt superior to him that would mean quite simply I would not respect him and that would mean I do not love him and would not be with him. This thought process is why it is so stupid.

It is cool to play the thought in some way and I do not have a problem with that. But please anyone who takes this seriously has some issues to work through or are trying to work through their issues by buying into this lie.

Rant: Loaded Terms

If blogs were not made for one sided and self serving rants then what is?

Here are some common terms and phrases used in this life that I find to be mostly hot air, fraudulent and selfishly self serving by specifically how they are used:

1) Micromanage – This is one of the greatest words to throw around in this life. The reason being no dominant or submissive judges the word without any specifics. So anyone can make a statement I do not like to or I do not want to be micromanaged and no one has a problem with it.

My issue with this term is that it obstructs good communication and the person uttering it are really only saying the thing that is being mentioned they have no intention of doing. In other words someone from a couple may say “I do not set up a schedule or check if the house was cleaned as I do not micromanage” or a person from a different couple might say “I am never told to wear certain clothes as we do not like micromanagement in our relationship”. The fact is the person who said the first thing might have a strict dress code and the person from the second statement might have rigid cleaning rules to follow.

Micromanage is a word that sounds so cool but in reality is completely hollow and meaningless.

2) Natural – This is the most common declaration for two types that I have difficulty with.

a) People expecting to be their regular selves but want their other to be all dominant or submissive like. Basically I will be myself and if you are submissive that anytime I want something from you that you disagree with you will just defer to me. From a submissive standpoint basically I will be my regular self and I believe I am submissive and want you to be alpha when I want you to be alpha.

b) From damaged people who try to feel better about themselves by putting down every person they see. These are the dominants that might state “I am a natural dominant and therefore have no need to have any rules but one, obey” or a submissive “I am a natural slave and have no need to be micromanaged”.

The default of all human beings of natural is regular relationship. In regular relationships people will show submissive and dominant traits to a certain degree and many on the far end make up people in successful power exchange relationships. But it is always on our terms. We also have deep society type influences that are part of our natural makeup. Power exchange basically means a level that goes against natural and to claim natural basically is to mean no power exchange actually happens.

3) Safety – Actually my next rant thing will be on this. But in short most of the talk about safety is actually nothing more then either an attempt to control a person or the most common in this life a person who does not do something and must campaign for others to not do it either because they think it will make them less something in other people’s eyes.

I believe when safety is discussed in a pure form this is not a loaded term. When I mean pure when people just talk about fact or what they think are facts and no anecdotal stories, opinions and judgments are being shared.

4) “I am too hard on myself and do not need punishments” – Actual translation “I am not really sorry at all and like putting the issue back on the other person to make them jump through my hoops so I believe they have forgiven me.” I mean is there anything as annoying then being the wronged party and then having to be the one who puts in the most effort to deal with the situation by having to convince the person in the wrong everything is fine. Put that into power exchange and you are basically being totally manipulated and played by the slave and this is one mistress that will not get played.

Forget dominance and submission when most people are truly sorry for an action and beaten themselves up for what they did they would jump at a chance to do something to make it right. Then why do these people avoid a system actually setup to force penance and forgiveness for the other? Because of two things, 1) Not really sorry just sorry they did not get away with it. 2) Fragile esteem issues and outward communication of “I screwed up” is not something they can handle. This is also why this tends to bug me when I hear such things as basically it just screams attachment issues and total lack of awareness.

We as human beings punish in our relationships. When in power exchange you can choose a formal way that can force honest communication and pressure people to forgive and move on and not let things fester or you can do it the natural way. The natural way is through passive aggressive behaviors, non communication and let issues build up and fester to the point they erupt in an overblown way. We accept these types even while not liking them. It is the spouse who knows there will be no sex tonight because the other is mad at them, cold shoulders and things drudged up from the past that should have long ago been dealt with.

Rant: Leadership & Extreme

If blogs were not made for one sided and self serving rants then what is?

I find it disturbing that people in this life and I do not care if they are experienced or novices that worry or seriously contemplate what they think are some heavy, deep and serious thoughts when they are quite idiotic.

What I am referring in specific are things like in extreme relationships what is too far or what is more important to the relationship great and wise leadership or the willingness of the other to be a slave.

Here is a somewhat  universal truth, any long term happy and loving relationship has two people that are compatible both day to day and what they want out of life in a long term sense and are devoted and committed to their relationship and the dynamic. As soon as you venture into thoughts about the other person changing into or thinking some great attribute you think you have can solve incompatible things and major relationship issues you are clueless.

There is a widely known Buddhist thought about what love is which is “Love is accepting a person/thing for who/what they are and not what they make you feel like or can do for you.” Buddhist we have a big all consuming thing for bad thoughts and actions adhering to them and other things that hinder enlightenment and we call them attachments. So as soon as we see another person as someone that will fix us and make us happy or think we can fix them to make us happy in essence a person does not love the person but have formed an attachment of what they want that in essence makes the other a discounted object.

So when people think that serious and deep thoughts when espousing on extreme relationships in essence all they are doing is forming attachments out of fear of such a relationship because it is not them. Also and very often including this, they have made an attachment by assigning a finish line or seeking out self esteem from an outside source by thinking they will be this if they get to that.

An extreme relationship is a relationship for which is for anyone who would not be compatible for and thusly not be allowed to be you and for your other to accept. Because when you are with someone that you love and each are loving the person for who they are and not what they provide the type of relationship will always be fairly easy and never extreme to you.

I do not care how good one’s leadership skills are if you are not with a compatible person and love them for who they are and trying to change them for how you want them is a narcissistic act. Leadership skills in a relationship are about making sure things are in place that let the two people flourish.

People waxing on what is what in terms of relationships or thinking leadership or a submissive being submissive enough are somehow keys to a relationship and how to get them and go about things of this nature are already have issues. They have chosen to look outside for their very personal answers that have to come from within you.

Quick Rants

If blogs were not made for one sided and self serving rants then what is?

Three signs a person who posts on a message board needs to get off their computer and seek professional help for whatever issues that has caused them to become socially isolated:

1) If a person was to keep track of the time and days of someone's posts and see they are basically on the site close to 24/7/365 minus sleep.

2) If you have posted so many times about the exact same topics that you have lost all sense of actual context of what the person posted. That you find something small and take it totally out of context so you can write something just to write something out of needing to post just to post. I just read a post yesterday where a person took to task another person for using the term “verbal abusive humiliation” when very clearly describing it in a way that no sane person would infer anything but a couple engaging in consensual fun.

If you are down to not bothering to read a post that clearly gives context and basically just looking to type just something it is time to take a step back.

3) If you think or feel pressure to post to every new thread because people expect and value what you have to say. There is no message board around where one person means a hill of beans. If your identity and need for attention is tied into a message board you need some serious help.

As much as I like to think I have some knowledge and wisdom I would be also the first person to say I may not really have any or cannot communicate well enough depending on the eye of the holder. Anything I write the only thing I expect of it is that it has taken a presence in cyber and that is it. Message boards are great for many reasons but never think the more you post the more awesome and knowledgeable you are or that people need to read what you have to write. They do not. No one is that special or  that wise.