Punishment: One More Thing

I have received a couple of private messages in regards to a sincere defense against having a punishment dynamic. Basically these arguments that a punishment stresses them out over the state of the relationship and punishments could make them feel like they can never do any good. Now I do believe I covered these with what I wrote in general but did not address these specifically as how I framed the post seem to exclude writing about this.

As I wrote before any worse case scenario or some idiot can frame punishment in a power exchange relationship as being bad and destructive. The fact is pretty much any kinky things or aspects of power exchange can get framed that way and really when people argue these things they are in essence doing that. I do not want/like this so here is a worse case scenario and therefore this thing should not be done.

No one should enter into any type of power exchange and kinky things with someone with mental issues that cannot handle aspects of what is to be done. For punishment dynamic in a relationship a dominant who has mental issues where they punish constantly for anything that is non perfection and do it in an emotional abusive way is not an argument against having punishment in a relationship but one should not be with that dominant period. His mental issues will find or have other outlets anyway. A submissive who falls apart anytime someone suggests they are not perfect and can do no wrong is not someone to be in a relationship where you think you are going to have any power over them as well.

In terms of worrying about the relationship when punished then again can be cleared up in two ways. 1) Make sure punishable things have nothing to do with the loving and caring aspect of the two people. 2) An established communication of what is punishable and stick to it. This makes the punishments not as personal and in fact a good way to remove emotion as being a trigger. Now a slave also has to meet their owner half way and not use their emotions as weapons as well in order to in essence top from the bottom.

The fact is if one thinks they are going to punish until their idea of a perfect slave emerges are in for a cruel fate. If a slave is frequently screwing up that same thing in a same way that is punishable then the fix is not going to be a punishment and will be a sit down talk and see what the bigger issue is and what can be done about it. It may be a different approach to accomplish the same thing, it may be the dominant needs to change their expectations or this talk communicates the importance of doing the thing from the owner’s side that helps make the slave understand and fix the ongoing failure.

My personal opinion is that a punishment dynamic that is clearly communicated and strictly enforced is essential in a significant power exchange relationship. I personally believe that you punish for things that attack the dynamic and the devotion to the dynamic but never ever attack the person or the question of each other’s love and devotion to each other. Now maybe if there are ongoing problems that the dynamic does not work for one or both people and that destroys the relationship or forces significant changes but that is what clear communication is for and not using punishments as a fix all solution to any problem.

Here are three examples of the difference between the person and/or the relationship versus something that goes against the devotion to the dynamic.

1) If I was to ask my slave to make stuffed green peppers for diner and he made a comment like “Yuck” would not be something I would punish as it is simply an honest direct communication. But if when he was making it was moping around and making some dramatic actions to communicate he was not happy about the meal then I would punish as what he is doing is trying to communicate for me not to ever ask for them again or for me to change my mind.

2) I come home and see my slave on the couch watching a baseball game and something was not done that is a forever like routine thing. If in April and the score is 10-2 in the fifth inning then he is getting punished. But if it is in October and his team is playing a playoff game then I would not punish as that would be punishing the person.

3) Let me do something different for this last one. I give my slave a hand job after what I thought was a strict no masturbation order for a week. But it is clear when he cums that he has been masturbating quite recently. If even before the hand job he comes clean then probably a lighter punishment then if he came clean after I questioned him and in some way I would have been touched at his honesty. If though he stalls or denies he has been masturbating when clearly he has the punishment will be secondary to the sit down talk we have because he is now flaunting disobedience in the relationship with me.

Power of Punishment

Mistress in a significant power exchange relationship is not an honorary title.

We can discuss in this life in a never ending way what are the most critical things for people to have and do to make a power exchange relationship be a healthy and happy one. Almost all things discussed once stripped away from ego thoughts and issues usually have validity. But one actual thing that can be done in many ways always will sink these relationships quickly and without fail. This one thing is when one or both people in the relationship are not devoted and invested in the other person AND the dynamic they have chosen to live. In other words you want a Mistress/slave relationship of significant power exchange in a long term way you do not call time outs or other ways that show you do not take the dynamic seriously like you supposedly take your other or anything other thing that is extremely important to you.

I do not look down but just explaining

I had someone write me privately asking why I thought roughly 50% of people who state they are in power exchange relationships are not really but in relationships with just well defined rolls and expectations. I will repeat first what I wrote when I first wrote that, anyone can call their relationship anything they darn well want and I am the first to defend your right and think you should be proud to do so.

But for me, and what I wrote back this person, whenever someone talks about if and how punishment is part of their dynamic is when to me it seems at least quite obvious. Most when this aspect is communicated run away from it or proudly in full ego go great lengths to announce they have no such thing in their dynamic because they do not need it. My thought each and every single time you have no punishment aspect because you have no power exchange dynamic of any significance.

Why is this?

Quite simply with no fear of not having to follow through or obey there is simply no way you can not chip away at showing devotion to the dynamic and this renders the dominant helpless and powerless if they are in love and want the relationship to continue. Because what the owner by not having anyway to confront something that would be punishable and not go bad and dark is just not there and what is there is normal relationship stuff. The usual passive aggressive behaviors and pulling back from the power exchange. Now this is a two way street because when an owner does not punish when it is suppose to be in the dynamic it betrays the commitment to the dynamic and sends a strong message of why bother to the slave.

But why do so many proclaim they are in a deep power exchange without any punishment dynamic is simple, ego. Is it just not awesome to project yourself as so perfect and so dedicated that mere words fixes things. But the truth is the slave who mailed it in when cleaning the bathroom will mail it in many times over knowing all they are going to get from the other is words when we are talking about a long term relationship. There just is no motivation there.

Why is then punishment aspect so important?

It is for four reasons:

1) There is a cause and effect to ones actions. Quite simply yin and yang again as one can choose to be disobedient in some way and have punishment as the price or one can choose to damage their devotion to their other and the dynamic by in many ways making a statement of the power exchange is optional.

2) There is a well defined process for dealing with things that are just going to happen. No ones perfect and no one is the perfect spouse including owners and slaves. A punishment dynamic is quite simply something that can ease nerves, stress the importance and devotion to the dynamic and maybe most importantly force both people to deal, forgive and move on that boosts the relationship or even help start to show flaws in it that can be dealt with. The punishment dynamic done in a healthy way promotes direct communication and not passive aggressive behaviors from both people. Call me crazy but it is a positive thing in a relationship and not a negative thing often communicated.

3) Motivation for the slave. One can project perfectionism of 24/7/365 always and everything about their owner but real life long term relationships and human beings are really not wired that way. The truth is fear of not doing something often motivates us. Again it is healthier to fear a punishment and do it then to hurt ones owner by when screwing up there is no penance as it just damages creditability to ones devotion to the dynamic and their other.

4) Prevents build up of issues and lack of devotion to the dynamic by both people helping to keep the dynamic and the people in the dynamic in the proper perspective. Just a common thing people do that causes great damage in relationship. A person gets hurt, dislikes what the other did or want something for the other and get frustrated when the other does not get it. What happens far too often is that a person keeps it all bundled inside until they explode in some way often at the other person and the explosion is so dissapportional to what set off the explosion the real issues become completely lost and not dealt with. Power exchange relationships are different from regular relationships in terms of often the people involved have strong aspects of wanting control and little if no ambiguity in the relationship. Things not dealt with tend to breed over reactions sometimes worse then other types of people.

The myths and exaggerations of the anti-punishment people

Here are off the top of my head the common thoughts that people who do not want a punishment dynamic push as like they have to be present if there is a punishment dynamic.

1) Cannot or will not live in fear of being punished constantly. I do not know why having a punishment aspect to the relationship somehow has to be translated into absolutely everything in ones life will be judged punishment or not or thinking an owner wants to do that as well. A punishment aspect of a relationship is going to be completely irrelevant if the couple is tripping over too many rules, rituals and thinking slave equates perfect human being or punished.

2) Disappointing my love one is the worse punishment of all. I trashed this one on my rants on loaded terms post. Basically this is lying and denial all amped up to absurdity. If one is that sorry for making someone disappointed in them they in the real and honest world would jump at a chance of an act of contrition and be forgiven. No people that put this out are just people not wanting to be punished or simply cannot handle the fact they did something that wronged someone in some way.  Many proclaiming this are the types that torpedo relationships very fast by not only not wanting to be sincere in being sorry to someone but then dump the issue without any effort of there own to the other person to make the wronged party try to make them feel better.

3) Anything that I would punish a slave for what a slave did was probably my fault anyway for lack of something. We dominants are just the perfect human beings and our reflection of that is our slaves. So if a slave screwed up it must because of something I did not intentionally but just a lack of forethought. Just sanctimonious load of crap as any owner who punishes because they were not clear enough or any other reason they feel was oops on me is just idiotic anyway. To me this type of thinking is just red flag of the highest order as it just screams lacking respect for the slave as a respected human being and people that think like this actually think they are superior to them and that can go off in so many bad directions.

4) Encourages a masochist or a slave seeking attention or play to act out. Because once again all punishments have to be of the pain variety and masochists with deeply submissive and slave personalities will override those feelings for pleasure if something would be a pain punishment. This is simply folly. A good punishment is a fitting punishment and if one truly thinks that can be the only punishment then might I suggest they have a very limited view of the power exchange life that would suggest a total lack of actually living in one.

What I do

I never punish because my slave disagrees with me no matter the tone. I never punish if I was too ambiguous or put my slave into some type of impossible or no win situation. I did not punish if there were life reasons that caused something minor I might have punished without those reasons.

But I do punish on things that are done that show a lack of respect and devotion to the M/s dynamic, things not done that the slave knew he had to do and had no reason not to do them and will punish when it is time to move on from a debate/argument and my slave cannot get over it if it is not some major thing. I also, call me crazy, believe and encourage in my relationships that my slave call me out for things I did wrong that do not respect the dynamic. I may not punish myself but the slave would get a nice reward if I was indeed at fault.

My reality in my former thirteen year relationship was that there were less then ten things ever done that I would call required a significant talk and some sort of significant punishment. I would say that roughly the same amount of things were called out by my slave on me as well. Now there were plenty of small things and short and quick punishments often meant to deter poor thinking and motivate my slave that doing something would be far easier then try to avoid it. But even those get measured at best one or two a month at best.

The truth about human social interaction

We human beings use punishment in are social interactions. There is simply no such thing as a punishment free relationship whether with friends, family or our lover. If someone does a wrong or perceived slight on us that goes unrecognized by the other or if it is something that bugs us we as a species have in our tool bag of behaviors ways to punish but just pretend they are not punishments. Anytime you have been or given a cold shoulder is in fact a punishment. Anytime you were not affectionate with your lover because you were upset at something they did or did not do is punishment. Every time you do not take a phone call from a friend you are upset at is a punishment. The delusion of the people who proclaim they do not have punishment in their dynamic is not the fact that there is not some agreed upon way to deal with something worth punishing for but the fact they think there is actually no punishment that ever goes on.

All people that adopt an outward punishment aspect in a power exchange relationship are doing is simply creating a way to have direct communication, contrition and clear forgiveness in an open and direct way. Trying to dismiss this by taking what some idiots might do in the old reliable state worse case scenario way is more about running away from the topic then dealing with it.