Judgment: A Slave’s Deadly Disease

Knowing the difference between something important and something irrelevant.

A slave must let their owner lead. When a slave cannot let go of irrelevant judgments and preconceived expectations they in effect turn their owner from a leader into a follower and doom the relationship.

To judge arbitrarily is practically as common to us human beings as breathing. As a Buddhist I have spent a great amount of time trying to remove wrong or completely irrelevant thoughts and judgments from my life and will continue to do so until the day I die. Even with this thought and motivation I will on a daily basis fail miserably at it. For example one pulls up to an ATM machine and the machine is either too low or too high for our car. Many of us then wonder why they cannot get the machine to be the right size. A person may make an obvious but convenient assumption that everyone drives an SUV or pickup if the machine is too low. How this affects us is up to each person and ranges from one quick thought that goes away to a person ranting about it long after leaving the machine.

But what was the actuality of the situation. People drive all different types of cars so there is no one size fits all ATM machine. Sure you could install two or more sizes for each drive thru area but what would be the cost of the machines and the upkeep that would get passed down to the customers anyway. But in our moment we have not spent anytime thinking our judgments through.

Now of course this is a mundane example but it shows how we as humans are so prone to judgments based solely on our own wishes and unquestioned beliefs and often just in that moment. The truth of the matter is we as humans to varying degrees constantly judge but they have no honesty and truth in them. When we judge we are choosing more times then not between two things, right or wrong and better or worse for ourselves.

Slave has to let go of this behavior to a certain degree

We all know people or are one of those people that phrase things in near or total absolutism. There is no “I like green peppers on my pizza” but “you have to have green peppers on a pizza or why bother”. These are people that preferences are judged in a right or wrong fashion. We all know people sometimes the same ones that are often set in their ways and ideas as well where doing something different is looked upon as being worse then their way which is better.

When a slave does this for unimportant things when communicating with their owner or even just fighting themselves to be obedient they are of course taking personal preferences and judgments and making them on some mythical noble/moral/non debatable basis. They are in essence choosing their preferences, wishes and irrelevant judgments as priority over their owner. This in turns makes an owner not a leader but now saddled down by often specific expectations by their slave who is basically doing the dreaded topping from the bottom.

“I feel like I am deeply submissive but have a terrible time with obedience and my dominant is questioning my submissiveness”

I have read and heard that statement or something very similar many times. In the cyber world people often projecting their issues can tend to be quick to judge a person to beef up their reputation making a statement that this person is a type of player. My personal experience and thought is that a majority of the people communicating this are probably plenty submissive in their personality and desires. But they hold on to their personal judgments of deciding on everything that is asked of them being judges right/wrong or better/worse. They have in fact chosen to be submissive to their personal judgments instead of their dominant.

I wrote a journal entry on my collarme profile awhile back on chastity devices. I had a very enjoyable time discussing them with many nice and intelligent men. But several men point toward my general dislike and non consistent use of such devices would write with the belief that quite simply chastity devices have to be used severely and long term for a cuckold or if one just sexually torments a man. Now as a Buddhist as soon as someone does the “has to” my brain instantly goes to “I severely doubt it” type thoughts and what they are often communicating is for me I want/need/think this to be the best/only way.

When looking for your Mistress

This also can pose a problem when looking for your Mistress and before serving. There is a huge difference between what makes one tick and brings them happiness and pleasure and what is a healthy and good way to be with a Mistress. The former is about finding a compatible person the latter is preconceived judgment and forcing a Mistress to jump through your own hoops.

There was a great thread on the collarme message board about force feminization. There were several men who really are into it or want to be feminized on an ongoing long term situation. In their pitch many had theories, philosophies and convenient definitions that taken as fact would be like assuming every male submissive must be forever feminized. Female dominants all wrote back in somewhat a similar way that is not really forced feminization and in fact all of the decisions and control have already been taken away from any prospective mistress for these men.

Now do I think these men should find a mistress and live by her desire to feminized or not, no. But what they need to look for is a mistress that wants a submissive man and they just simply both want the man to be feminized. The people choosing to form a belief from specific desires have chosen to make their desire for feminization their dominant over any prospective mistress who would be merely a tool for the feminization and not the reason for the man to be submissive.

What will happen if I obey?

When people fight this issue the question that they always needs to be asked is what will happen if I obey.

The question of course from many scared submissives is of course if there is a difference between doing what was ordered and what they thought was right that they are actually correct. This question thought through should make one aware of what is too happen and to act accordingly.

For example a mistress that you have been owned by for six months asks you to sign over all of your assets. One can think if I actually do that what could happen and come to the conclusion she is a joke and not to obey.

But what if one is struggling to obey the order of doing a load of whites before the colors when ordered to do laundry?  A slave needs to be able to ask what will happen if I actually obey if struggling because you think colors should always be done before whites or think the need for clean colors is more important.

Being actually submissive to your mistress requires a man to stop being submissive to his irrelevant preconceived judgments formed by personal preferences or desires. Doing that turns your mistress into an object or tool weighed down by your expectations. You will never find happiness with a mistress when the first things focused on are your desires and wishes get met over desires to serve her personally. You though will find your desires and many of your wishes met when actually serving and making your mistress first happy by obeying. That when finding a mistress that is compatible with you and she cares about you will want/need to make your wishes and desires come true.

Don’t Worry About Hubby

Motivations why a woman might enjoy cuckolding their man in an open way.

Fair is fair I wrote about the men so now let me write about us women. So why do so many women seem reluctant to embrace the opportunity to have a one sided open relationship where they can have sex totally on their terms when men bring up cuckolding? Quite honestly women by the time they have matured society has pounded into our heads that good girls only do it for love of their man and men do not stay with sluts and this can be difficult to get over. Additionally men and women do age very differently. Men normally prefer women their age or younger and women normally prefer their age or older. The older a woman gets plugged into those preferences means fewer available men. By a time a woman settles into a long term relationship the fear of the relationship blowing up and having to start over much older is not good at all. Playing with sex is always dangerous.

But the age old answer to why do so many women who are approached out of the blue by their man to cuckold them respond worrying about this is a ruse for the man to sleep around as well is control. We use sex in this society to control people and as soon as you unshackle the control of sex in a relationship fear and anxiety can flourish. To an uneducated woman in terms of the male’s attraction to being cuckold the thought can be quite simply even if we did start out just me sleeping with other men I will not really have any high ground if the man decides later he would like to sleep around as well.

Like with the men here are the motivations for a woman to cuckold her man. Some of these can overlap and are separated for clarity and simplicity. Many women can and do have many of these motivations and this is not just a pick one situation.

1) Sex is fun. In other breaking news the earth is not flat, kittens are cute and men have a thing about female breasts. Quite simply women with above average sex drives and feel less then normal society peer pressure to embrace sex as not something just to do for love can think more men to have sex with will mean more enjoyment in life.

Cuckolding can provide a pretty big boost to sexual thoughts in a woman and a sexual atmosphere. Throw in more men to supply the sex and for women embracing the more sex the merrier cuckolding can be a good thing.

2) Cuckolding a man is fun. Hey a woman can have a sexual fetish. You can just have the sadism in you to enjoy humiliating and degrading your man. You can just enjoy the excitement of stepping out on your man. You can embrace some spontaneity in your life.

Because males tend to talk and write about sex more and women tend to avoid it because often means only talking about sex there is a disproportional amount of information floating around. Most of the information is really male centered and of the fictional over the top variety. But for women who enjoy cuckolding it is a great thing to indulge in because it has so many places in it to take enjoyment from. Just think of it in terms of very long foreplay and post coupling. A woman can tease and prepare her man for when she is about to be with another man. She has all the time with the man she does and then goes back to her man and can do things afterwards. 

Plus what is under reported in my opinion is when with the other man it can add to the enjoyment when into cuckolding like me when combining the moment and thinking about the fun thought of the cuckolding act. You can also jazz that up to the max in various ways as well.

3) Seeing our man sacrifice and suffer for us makes our heart thump harder and faster. I think very much for women who are dominants in a power exchange relationship which is happy, loving and long term this will be a significant or the main motivation. Like I wrote in my motivations for men, insecurity of does the other truly love me plays into are desires for power exchange to be in a relationship. People with submissives personalities tend to want to make the other happiest they can be and someone with a dominant personality tends to want to see how much in love and devoted to them the other is.

For at least how I am wired there is no message stronger that can be sent by a man I love then to accept and enjoy I cuckold him. It truly is to me awe inspiring and just rocks my soul and heart for a man to let me do this to him. The internet tends to focus on the humiliation and degradation parts but in a cuckold relationship the quiet moments can mean so much. I have only known a few women in real life that cuckold in a dominant way and we all have shared our stories of those quiet times. It is there we see just how much our man truly enjoys and wants us to cuckold them that it is more then a sexual fetish to them but something that is important to them and wanting us to be happy.

I will never forget the first time I cheated on a man. It was with my first love in high school and was the only time I ever cheated without approval. I remember telling him and expecting to get yelled at and dumped and just working my way up to just balling my eyes out. He spent that afternoon not mad at me but trying to cheer me up and reassure me he was not mad at me. It was just an incredible intense feeling of love knowing just how much he cared for me by the way he acted.

4) Many women are into variety and new experiences. There I wrote it! Many women are generally against the same old things day in and day out especially compared to men. Many men for example like to go to a few restaurants to eat and often order the same things. Many women like to try many restaurants and try many different things. Well this can go toward sex as well. Finding or being in new situations where we are flirting it up with someone and first times from a kiss to actual sex has an excitement that can be attractive to many.

5) Submissive men and the relationship dynamic in general can often hinder the pleasurable aspect all women enjoy of feeling truly taken and royally fucked by a man in an animalistic fashion. Submissive men can make incredible lovers. On the whole they want to or are more than willing to have extended foreplay from giving massages, long make out sessions and all the oral a girl could want. They are simply the most considerate lovers around and should be applauded for that.

But they are not the best either because of their submissive personality or the power exchange dynamic at spontaneity and strongly taking a woman sexually. By their wonderful submissive personality in the first place they want to please which means they want the woman in charge and therefore are not natural to ask for something let alone go for it types. Most submissive men just prefer to be led and told by their owner what she wants or giving huge signals that are impossible not to misinterpret. As a female dominant it is critical to accept this as that is what we want from them most of the time. This is where many female dominants that have a string of failed relationships go awry. They want a man to put their needs first and say they want a female led relationship but when in one they fail to lead or want a man that can be constantly turned on or off in the relationship in taking charge.  

You can order or hint up a storm in how you want to get nailed when it comes to sex with your submissive. But between you being in charge and the submissive more times then not will care a lot about if it was good for their woman that sex is still often fully controlled by the female whether consciously or by the clues she pretty much has to give. Sometimes though a woman just wants to truly just get fucked royally where there is no thinking but only reacting to what the man is doing to us. Pure animalistic throw your brain away and just feel sex and non submissive men are just more prone to give that to us then submissive men.

I think this is where the bull concept comes into play and where females who cuckold have contributed to what is on the internet. I think many women who cuckold search out men that are different then their love one and that man that can manhandle a dominant woman sexually can be quite sought after. By the way this is another reason why the concept of a woman like me developing feelings for a man I bang over my lover is ludicrous. I seek out an aggressive man that overpowers my natural dominant tendencies to basically just fuck the shit out of me and fall for them over a very considerate man who loves me and is focused on pleasing me, I do not think so. 

6) It can be liberating to a woman who society has often made her show off and think about her sexuality but not allowed to enjoy it. Women from the time we hit puberty until the day we die walk a tightrope in society of being physically attractive and showing it to the world and being a deviant slut. Were suppose to wear bikinis on a beach, slinky dresses showing cleavage on fancy nights out or big social event, keep our pussy area nicely trimmed, legs shaved. We are suppose to be enthusiastic and open sexually to the man we have feelings for but still not come off as horny nymphos and too skilled lovers like we have had feelings for more then one man. If we give in to a night or weekend of sexual decadence with a relative stranger we are suppose to feel guilty about it. Often our biggest worries are how other women think and treat us.

It can be very liberating to jump off this tightrope and fall in the direction of embracing our sexuality in terms of allowing to be openly sexual and enjoy sex just for sex. Cuckolding can be an attraction or just a nice byproduct from the release of this stress it can put on women to claim their sexuality as their own and not up for influence by society’s contradicting preferences.

7) Their guy wants them to. This is not so much a motivation in terms of one that encourages a woman on her own to want to cuckold a man or for something that can be successful. But it is a motivation for a woman to try it out and uncover motivations that will make them take to it.

As I have written now in this and the male motivation post, society often molds our minds to what people are suppose to do. Both men and women get pounded good people are monogamous. I tend to believe that most men and women with decent sex drives imagine or get horny in various situations that are not dependent on their one and only. For most and most of the time for all we mentally deal with it in various safe way and with no second thoughts. I think often for people who will take to non monogamy in an open way somehow it takes their other to give in a way some giant green flag signal and other things to go for it. Certainly the draw of the person that loves you and you loving them wanting something from you is always a big thing.

This thought always reminds me of my days in the swinging community. The fairly typical couple that was new would often act somewhat the same. A husband who appears to be going the extra mile for a timid wife to be comfortable starting out then a couple of months later to see the same couple you could only guess if one was dragged into swinging it was the husband by looking how she acts.

I do not know if I would have instigated cuckolding as part of my relationships if it were not for my first love. Right after I confessed my cheating on him between my guilt, two teenager sex drives and as I was soon to find out the fact that it turned my boyfriend on to be cuckolded we were going for some sort of record of the most times two people can have sex while parents were not home. He was the one to bring up that he not only would not mind if I cheated on him that he would like it. This was critical in how my path of how I became who I am today.

Often when cuckolding reasons are mentioned they tend to be male specific. Whether to control the male or to point to stereotyped and usually false statements of lousy sexual performance and this does a disservice because it takes two willing and wanting to people in a relationship to have cuckolding be a wonderful part of their relationship. Women who cuckold men simply will not be willing participants if it is solely the male’s wish or if the man they love truly sucks that bad in bed. The woman must when this is applied to a long term loving relationship have motivations for her own personal enjoyment of doing so.

Please Bang My Wife

Motivation of the man that needs to be cuckolded

In my humble opinion by far with not a close second the most under the radar sexual desire/fantasy/wish/practice out there is men wanting to be cuckold in some way. Whether like with a Mistress like me that it is part of a power exchange relationship or any other way in which a wife sleeps with other men this is way more prevalent in the thoughts of many men then most imagine. From my openly talking about it on the personal site I used to find my guy, my days in my local community in which we were out about it and my days involved in the swinging community I have always been stunned at the amount, different types and passion that men have for this.

I believe it is so under the radar because it is not manly compared to society norms so not only not talked about but often not pursued by men and just left in fantasies. Women who are often approached by their guys often suspicious that it is just a ruse so the man can be with other women. Finally the internet and the cuckold sites have distorted what cuckolding can actually be into something illogical, severe and not realistic.  A key component that so often is not communicated but is the most basic logic in the world. A woman is with her man because he won her heart. In a cuckolding situation the woman loves her man otherwise it would not be a cuckolding situation because she would not be there. 24/7 cruelty, humiliation and lack of intimacy including sexual just is a ridiculous concept when taking cuckolding into reality.

The following are types of motivation of men of all types out there in the world that are drawn to or live as cuckolds. Some only have one primary motivation but many, especially submissive men, can have several or more of these motivations. Some of these motivations have overlap and I separate them to make it easier and clearer.

1) A sexual fetish. Quite simply men turned on sexually just from the act or other things associated with the act that seeing or knowing their wife is getting fucked by another man goes straight to their cock getting rock hard. There are no underlying things going on if it is a fetish for a man this just arouses them.

Now sometimes men with this as a fetish can make the worse men to cuckold if wanting it in a power exchange way or the woman in the relationship wants to have some freedom of who and when. Quite simply once the male has an orgasm some of these men instantly revert back to insecure jealous husbands. This can cause a very roller coaster ride for the wife as the man builds up his desire for the woman to do another guy then after it happens the woman has to often work a lot harder then many other into cuckolding reassuring their man over a much longer time period. This will unfortunately make it too much about the husband and not enough us and for a Mistress like me, forget about it.

2) Men who enjoy and feel free of the responsibility of their wife having a satisfying sex life. This one is probably the most dominating motivation for a deeply submissive man in a power exchange relationship but still big one for many of the different types of men. Let’s face it, society has over history dumped the sexual satisfaction of the wife squarely on the husband. Pretty much the most out there definition of good sex is did or did not the woman orgasm during it.  Society projects a man can have many sexual conquests before marriage and infers the sexual expert. Women are to hide their sexual history and infer near virgin the better. A woman cuckolding their man is a very strong declaration of I am in control of my sexuality and therefore be satisfied because there are few limitations on her and this can be a great relief to a man.

This is particularly the case with submissive men. In power exchange an insecurity that is being soothed by what a person seeks out is the insecurity of their loved one leaving. Submissives actively want to see, hear and feel that their owner is happy and dominants seeing, hearing and feeling what their slaves will do, suffer or let them do for them soothes this insecurity. Sexual insecurity of do I do it for my cherished other is a standard one in many as well and for these two insecurities to intersect in a man the possibility of a cuckold situation to be what relieves them of their worries.

3) Men enjoying their woman embracing her sexuality and the lifting of sex from just being thought of something that might be done before going to bed in the bedroom. As I wrote in #2 society has preached for women to downplay their sexuality when they mature and become involved in a serious relationship/marriage. Even very sexual women when in a long term relationship tend to forget to bring the sexy and sexual aspects they maybe once did. The same old routine brings boredom, lack of motivation out of already getting the guy to forget the need to keep the guy and lives get busier causing less time and energy that we far too often take from our sex lives. All of a sudden what was once a very sexual relationship turns into an it is Saturday night I guess we can do it situation. Throw in many if not all of us have been in significant relationships that when they go bad sex and a sexual atmosphere disappears over time that men worry and question if the woman they are with even really likes sex.

Men with even average sexual drives like sex to be all over the place in their dream world. Any sexual thing done by their woman from the most minor to something major that communicates I love sex can be a wonderful thing to most men even if they cannot admit to it. For many men in society of course they want it to be solely contributed to the woman’s love of them. But for men with the cuckolding motivation it does not have to be tied into to them at all and just their woman is sexual.

Sexuality and creating a sexual atmosphere and good quantity and quality of sex can often when there is not something to derail it feed and sustain itself. A woman who has more options then just her husband for sexual escapades has part of her carefree single days restored to her if she wishes that and some of us do. Woman like this will often be and act more sexual overall in their life then someone turning it on and off because it only happens with the hubby sometimes at bedtime.

For example with me, I have a job that I work nights in a very stressful environment. One nice outlet to have when leaving work and looking to decompress is a nice roll in the hay. But I come home when most people are leaving for work. I enjoy cultivating some friends with benefits that have the same problem of living strange hours. While many that do my job fixate on comfort I almost always wearing lingerie that is not as much comfort designed as much as it is sexually stimulating. This makes my life more sexual and the fact the effort to think about the possibility of sex keeps it on the brain and therefore will make my sex life better.

4) The other men get a taste of what I have and they will never get. The hot much younger trophy wife on the shoulder of the much older man as he enjoys watching men stare at her and thinks to himself “you wish you were me”. The man on the beach with a smile from ear to ear as he sees men constantly checking out his wife who is wearing a tiny bikini, he is not simmering in jealousy and paranoia but his self esteem is getting a big old deposit into it by how men are drooling looking at his woman. Well some men love being cuckold for going the extra step and showing men how sexual their woman is and that the other men know they only get a taste and he gets the whole thing.

By the way a big misconception, like often when men approach the subject of cuckolding with their woman and her reaction is it is a ruse for them trying to have sex with other women, is why men who enjoy the swinging lifestyle. A majority of the men that embrace swinging are strongly motivated by #3 and #4 on this list. Some of my worse experiences with sex have to do with a swinging situation where the man I am with is way more into wanting to see his wife get fucked silly then do stuff with me.

5) Men that have had, believe they have had or believe they will have problems being good enough in bed with the woman they care about because of a small penis, impotency, shoot off too quickly, have low or no sex drives and just overly negative about how good they think they are in bed. While many of these men can fall into #2 unfortunately many of them truly have difficulty with actually being cuckold or their low self esteem in the sex area make it difficult for the woman they love to still get the sexual intimacy they want from the one they love.

Most women I know once love comes into play they will work with a man to find a fulfilling love life. For some of these people then cuckolding can be a solution. The problem comes when men, doing what men too often do, diagnose a problem and try to fix a problem without consulting his woman.

6) Men who truly enjoy knowing our seeing the woman they love having a blast. Since most men think an orgasm is the ultimate happy moment then a woman having a bunch of sex will maximize a woman’s happiness. Now this in healthy doses can be all fine and good and this includes cuckolding. There is something to be said in a very warm and loving way coming home from a sexual romp and see your slave all pumped up not out of horniness or feeling vulnerable but generally happy you look happy.

But often people with this desire can be too insecure into the unhealthy range and it actually hurts their ability to be submissive and suffocate another in a selfish and controlling way. Quite simply when they need too often to see you happy and communicating about it to them it can cease to be a genuine affection and be about soothing insecurity.

There was a female slave on a message board recently that wrote asking for advice how to serve and please her master more because he had to work longer hours and under more stress at work. It was quite clear to most she was really asking what could she do to draw positive attention to herself more. Chasing compliments and acts of love from someone is not submissive behavior but needy behavior. A man wanting to be cuckold because he needs too badly to know his wife is having a blast and that will be reflected back to him is only pushing expectations onto his other.

7) Male who have a slave mentality and truly love being dominated that the domination itself can be a sexual turn on. “If I am a devoted slave to my mistress I should never be able to control or limit her. Letting her do what she wishes in her sexual desires has to be her right.” In essence a man wishes to be cuckold because it shows his mistress he loves has accepted her power over him and enjoys dominating him. This is in essence what is happening when I write about the reward for obedience style fails in long term significant power exchange relationships. Because the slave stops feeling their owner is doing things for their own pleasure.

These relationships are like most other relationships then they are different. This means they will also go into the routine and predictable way of life after some time passes. The fact is a slave doing the same domestic stuff over and over is not really going to be any different then any other person in a relationship doing the same things they always do. Even if not careful the things we often do for discipline and fun can become less frequent and go too far in just top/bottom mutual fun. Slaves like to be dominated and need to feel dominated. One thing most people can agree with  a woman choosing to fuck who she wants and when she wants it is a truly dominating act and one at the top or near the top of things to make one feel dominated. For men that love that feeling cuckolding can be a big draw.

So in wrapping this up maybe I miss one or two or they might fit into one of these from my view. There are many motivations that can drive a man to want to be cuckold and a man can had several motivations. It would be wise to understand yourself and know what drives this desire in you if you are a man. It will help you find someone compatible or help you communicate your needs to your other.

Lust & Torment

Sexually tormenting the man, is that so wrong then why is it so much fun!

I dislike the word tease as to me it signifies playfulness and therefore a start and finish scene that people play at. There is of course time to play in life and I wish all human beings a lot of play. But the best things in life often provide fun and productivity. It is enjoying ones job and not dreading going to it and wishing too hard it was over while on it. It is wasting a day doing chores with your lover that moves so fast because of the enjoyment of being together provides. Well to me that is one of the joys of owning and controlling a man is to me and stoking his sexual urges and deciding what to do with that power gained by doing such a thing not only enhances the power dynamic and control over the male slave but just is sweet fun as well.

Torment maybe too strong of a word though as after all the man gets an awful lot of what he so desires when it is being done to him. Some attention even if done indirectly, acceptance and intent by their owner to want their slave to be aroused and have sex on the forefront of both the slave’s brains. Plus what many men love and desire but so many afraid to admit, their woman outwardly embracing their sexuality not contingent to their love of them being the source but their own sexuality.

There are many ways to sexually torment a slave. You can turn them on and make sure they do not get off. You can cause them misery in a circumstance that is normally a turn on and sexually satisfying thing. You can of course humiliate and degrade the slave by polarizing the dichotomy of sexual pleasure for you and irrelevant for him and an oldie but always fun of the slave getting sexually taken care of but in a cold and dismissive way.

The following are some factors to think about when one wants to add sexual tormenting ones slave to their relationship. I for one recommend it for many reasons besides pure joy. It has a nice one two punch of both a sexual boost in the atmosphere which can work for both of you for a better and more active sex life but at the same time is a very powerful way to show ones slave their cock is not the center of your sex life. A man is always more controllable and predictable when he is horny and helping stoke that feeling can often be an easier and simple atmosphere and submissive level boost then something more elaborate.

Now I cuckold my slave which goes into this area so the following things to think about may or may not be related to cuckolding.

1) It not torment if it always ends with the slave sexually satisfied. If everything done basically is just foreplay for some in the end sexual encounter that gets the slave off then it will cease to become torment but excitable foreplay. Not only no fun from the torment, it does not help with the slave’s discipline and submissive level if not hurt it. A lot of the torment for the slave in a lot of potential circumstances is him not knowing if he is getting lucky or being left out in the cold.

2) Your slave is a human being and will have sexual needs both physically and sexual intimacy mentally. All human beings can be different and some men this might mean rare but still know your slave and what he needs and do not forget that in the end it is a relationship of major scope therefore needs have to get met. It may sound cool like to permanently chastise a slave and just milk him in cyber fantasies for someone really into cuckolding or someone with asexual drive and likewise for a slave to certain extent but still most people walk away from relationships where their sex life sucks to non existent.

3) Tormenting is two person effort situation. Doing something like slapping a chastity device on a slave while doing nothing else and calling it tormenting is just wrong. In fact all you are doing is communicating to a slave I am not really interested in tormenting you and/or I am just not into being sexual period. Tormenting works best when a dichotomy is present so in essence the bigger the difference between a Mistress engaging in her sexuality while ignoring or dismissing their slave’s or engaging in your slave’s sexual arousal in a total cold and dispassionate way the different levels is where the torment happens. Two people ignoring sex one by force the other by looking like they are not into it is not torment.

4) When doing the Mistress enjoying and not letting the slave enjoy always remember the focus is actually on your sexual enjoyment and not some play acting for your slave’s benefit. Now it of course can be you getting very aroused by the tormenting itself but still the Mistress must be able to communicate with her actions that she is truly horny or has sex on her brain in some way. I know it is cool in cyber to preach it is always about the Mistress but power exchange relationships are still equal effort relationships. Tough to torment or come off as being horny when dressed in sweats or other comfortable and boring outfits 24/7. Tough to convince you r slave you have sex on the brain in the moment when nothing being communicated that shows this to be true. If the woman in a commercial on TV is exuding the most sexual heat in the house the Mistress needs to step it up.

5) Sexually tormenting a slave is fun and beneficial for the relationship but that does not mean you cannot have fabulous and very intimate sex as well. One of the great things about the 24/7 dynamic is it is the devotion to the people and the power exchange way 24/7. Some like to criticize 24/7 and when people talk about sex and kinky things like people like me are portraying 24/7 365 active sexual torment. I refuse to give these people their ignorant props. 24/7 allows in fact focusing less on these things in terms of feeling the need to do them because you can do them when you feel like it and not feel the pressure of Saturday night and the need to have some type of performance. A man’s cock hard forgets the last time it was allowed to orgasm, you can torment the hell out of a guy a few hours after a great roll in the hay of the normal and loving variety.

6) When encompassing into a 24/7 relationship embrace destroying the scene mentality and nurture the slaves submissive level, your dominant level and atmosphere of power by making this type of torment be in the air. This is a big thing for me and lost on many people who try to convert part time and top/bottom stuff into a fulltime 24/7 power exchange relationship. Often I will write about this in cuckolding but it goes to this topic as well. There is a difference in doing a scene and making it part of a life that becomes a part of the two people. So like in cuckolding you can have some drawn out scene and sleep with another man but everything felt, enjoyed and goes toward helping the power exchange dynamic goes away when done, or you can consciously make it part of your life where it is not start or stop but merely one long drawn out way to live. Sexually tormenting a man can be like that and requires little big effort when not in the mood. Quick little things done that take a few seconds or minutes even just verbal can help keep a man sexually tormented in between any bigger moments.

Here are a few of my personal favorites that I do personally.

1) Hit and Run. The fastest and easiest thing to do and my personal favorite I have done forever and never gotten bored doing. Simply in everyday normal situations be with your other in a warm and loving way and start to fondle their cock until it is good and hard then just stop completely and laugh at them and walk away. For the sadists you can mark the stopping point by doing something painful like pinching a nipple. Big thing though is to have a similar thing in your life where this goes to a sexual act where the slave gets big time sexual pleasure. It is important long term that the slave never knows if the climax is a climax or being left with blue balls. I particularly do this when I was for some reason scantily dressed like in lingerie or just wearing a robe.

2) Be Careful What You Wish For. Basically doing something your slave really wanted at the time or traditionally does and doing it in a way that destroys all the enjoyment. For example a slave with a foot fetish letting them massage your feet and suck on your toes but make them do it so long their hands cramp up and their mouth feels like they have been walking in the desert without any water for a day. The punctuation being you laughing about the dichotomy of what they wished for was not making them very uncomfortable.

3) Too Bad. Make sure your slave is doing something that you know brings not only no pleasure but makes it difficult to divert brain thought into getting aroused and then proceed to physically or verbally communicate your horniness. I like to do this verbally a lot. I would often when my husband had to do some work related things to start contemplating out loud my horniness but not wanting him or put on a real loud masturbation show in the next room then when he was done act like sex was the farthest thing on my mind. Once again this has to be primed by sometimes attacking him sexually when he is done so he does not know what to really expect.

4) Put on a Show. Masturbation for me lost a lot of its appeal when I discovered sex with another person but my interest came back to it in a big way when I found how much fun it can be to torment a man. I enjoy tying my man to the bed and gag him then masturbate the heck while teasing him. Particular fun is of course seeing how close I can get my pussy to his face and climax and positioning my pussy over his cock getting it just to the point it is about to enter me and break it off. For a particular long session occasionally having him inside me for a few gyrations and climb off can be necessary to keep the slave focused and aroused.

5) Grand Canyon. When cuckolding a man and especially at first it is important to re-assure them you care for them and your heart belongs to them. For many men willing and wanting to be cuckold it can be a sexual fetish but there are many men that crave and need cuckolding that is a lot more things then sexual pleasure and it is not remotely a thing that makes them aroused. I often when I come back home from being fucked by another man will cuddle with my slave and rehash the details. At this time one can have a pretty intense intimate experience that turns into a sexual one, you can be the instrument of your slave getting off from his sexual fetish standpoint and then at times I love doing this. Instead of warm and lustful words encouraging the slave to get worked up sexually a mixture of words and actions that will get him hard enough but also words and an overall tone in a degrading and humiliating way to where he ends up climaxing basically being told how pathetic he is for this whole cuckolding situation. I enjoy masturbating him while doing this and sometimes leaving dried cum on me so while we are doing this I make him look at it or shove his nose on it for him to smell it. To me this has the absolute wonderful feeling of me basically claiming my man’s sexuality to solely do with it what I want and both of us knowing there is not a damn thing he is going to do anything about it.

So there is my spin on sexually tormenting a slave. When done in certain ways it can not only be fun for one or both parties but it can really help the relationship dynamic and sexual atmosphere in the relationship. Just though remember withholding sex and/or throwing a chastity device on a slave and be done with it is not the way to go to get positive things.

Did Cyber Betray Femdom?

Hi my name is Jen. I am a female dominant. I also have some deep dark secrets. You see I like sex and I like kinky things like giving pain, humiliation, tying people up and cuckolding my slave. Now in my younger days maybe I was footloose and fancy free, falling into the wrong crowd and indulging in these things with my time in local communities mostly with my now ex slave/husband that we were together for over thirteen years. Now in the past year I have dipped my toe back into the single life through the new populace thing called the Internet it seems I was doing it all wrong and should maybe seek professional medical help to fix the error of my ways.

The preceding paragraph was written in the intent of being completely sarcastic. But I did put genuine truth in there that in the past year being the really first time I hit the Internet for this life and was genuinely stunned at what I found. Reading personal ads from other female dominants, various message boards and a few blogs it seem to be a “real” female dominant then one pretty much must be quite dismissive of sex and absolutely be very dispassionate to the point of being quite annoyed that kinky things are or might be done in a femdom relationships. I was disappointed that many of the male submissives seemed to take pride in how weak of human beings they were and pretended/lied that they had no other interests but to please a Mistress.

Chicken or the Egg?

Maybe someone can tell me which came first to cause this new world of female domination where female dominants were not suppose to have passion for the life in controlling a man with all the tools that make even more fun to do so and what happen to men that were submissive AND had sex on the brain? So is it many female dominants in cyber space dispassionate complainers or they feel it is the only way to portray the life to avoid male players? So are so many male submissives this pathetic and weak they cannot stand up for themselves or are they putting on an act because the woman posing as female dominants will only deal with them if they act like non normal males?

Because I do not get it at all. You can do power exchange with little kinky things or none at all if you are not into them. You can find male submissives with low sex drives if you have a low sex drive as well. When did it become rare or not cool to enjoy sex and have passion for some of the kinky things even to the point of having some fetishes?

Making female dominants look weak and like losers!

Now I am a big fan maybe you could call me a disciple of Elise Sutton. Now she writes in a way too broad of “all men” and I despise the term “female supremacy” unless it is in a playful way. But her philosophy is using the male for whom he is which for many is sex on the brain or as she likes to put it control a man through his cock. But cyber seems to try to pound into everyone that we should not only not control a man through his cock but it is practically a sin to acknowledge a male submissive has one. This troubles me greatly because to me this is not an enlightened thought.

Women throughout human history have used our feminine charms and the males drive to have them to get things we wanted and needed. To me this concept certainly falls into controlling them and therefore in the power exchange dynamic as well. Throughout history all women and my previous experience this includes female dominants have dealt with the horny male without ending all frazzled and wounded to want to dismiss men offhand. Also did we not have a hellacious fight as women to claim our sexuality over the centuries to stand up for liking sex and wanting to be sexually satisfied? It troubles me that the cyber female dominant seems to want to throw that away so easily.

In My Opinion

I have formed an opinion that actual female dominants (which I will define as ones that go out and live power exchange relationships in real life to whatever degree) have let the anonymity of the Internet and our own laziness to let the bored or damaged women posing as female dominants control the message of femdom. Because to me the message I have read in the past year is being a female dominant is hard because men think with their cocks and we shall not take any man serious until sex and this cock thing is totally dismissed. That because we are too lazy to deal with men we force men to lie and not be themselves which causes us more problems and more things to complain about until we all have swallowed the pill of deluding ourselves. That there are no decent male submissives out there or maybe more importantly no potential great male slaves out there once I get a hold of one.

My time in local communities way back when that now I wonder if it was in the prehistoric ages we as a group would have laughed off female dominants promoting this life about all about me being served and spoiled. Please prove to me you are a sincere man by doing all of my domestic chores, other labor projects and spend a lot of money on me and maybe I will spank you. Just the same way we would have laughed off men acting totally week and fictional in terms of not wanting anything or having any interest but one unselfish one would be called out as players. But it seems like today we embrace this.

Why have we let bored and damaged women frame what we are about and the joy and passion of female led relationships? Why are we letting women who pretty much throw their life away with instant messaging and finding any forum to male bash run the show? Men reading this why do you bow down to women that have had a profile up for months or years but have not been in a relationship during that time? I was on for less then a month and found plenty of men to be sincere and interesting enough to lose the masks of cyber and venture forward. It does not mean they all would have been princes if I kissed them but I was out to find one for real life.

Yes there are plenty of male players out there and many female ones as well. But when did we as female dominants become too afraid of them to let them run the show. Since when did being a female dominant leave us with an entitlement of any male interested in us should be a perfect finished model of male submissiveness to our utopian wishes. Way back when I started we expected the male species to have many rough edges and it was not only our desire and effort to turn this rough model into a beautiful finished model for ourselves it was a lot of the enjoyment. What happened!

Reward Versus Disappointment

The dangerous practice of depending on reward for obedience and how it goes against message.

As a dominant have you truly been made giddy, aroused and deeply touched by your hand spanking a slave’s ass? Feeling their bare skin, seeing it become red and bruised and hearing their yelps and screams and you submissives have you experience the difference between a dominant that does it out of enjoyment on their end or doing it because they know or think that is what you want?

I am not a big fan of the very popular and utilized tool of reward for obedience and good behavior. To me this tactic is nothing more then jump through hoops for me and I will give you a treat. Female dominants often obsess at preaching about and wanting submissives that are selfless and need to please their Mistress. To me this technique goes against that wish completely. This style of domination makes the kinky things the focus and motivation for obedience and not the love of their Mistress. This style re-enforces selfish thoughts and behaviors instead of basking in the delight of your Mistress gets in your service to her.

Is it not either a fine line or just a definition disagreement between a strong reward system style and withholding fun and sexual stuff for disobedience and other poor behavior type things?

No it is a monstrous gap between the two things. It comes down to passion for the dynamic and compatibility. As I wrote above a dominant getting great pleasure in a kinky thing like spanking that if things like that are absent in the power exchange then long term it spells big doom.

We all have had many similar experiences where we were particularly really looking forward in doing something. Maybe a concert to attend, a weekend get away, a social event and things that we thought were going to be a blast and to have them totally ruined by the person(s) we were attending them with were so the opposite of what you are feeling and therefore so negative and energy draining in their words and actions it destroyed it for you. Let us call it the wet noodle situation.

Well you cannot fake enjoyment and pleasure in doing something on a long term situation if you are a female dominant. You either have to like the things you do to your slave on your own or your slave will soon learn and get no enjoyment if anything they enjoy is done only out of reward for being obedient.

Passion communicated is food for a slave and stakes being stated.

The reason why doing kinky things communicated strongly in the mode of reward is doomed for failure in long term relationships and not splitting hairs the other way(s) to do things comes down to controlling a slave’s brain and using their natural thoughts and desires. If the impression over time is given that kinky, sexual or really anything a dominant puts on a reward contingent then often more then not the simple fact is obvious and soul crushing to a slave, my Mistress does not really enjoy these things and just does them to keep me around. Do you see where this thought and a submissive who yearns to make a Mistress happy bump into each other?

But if a Mistress can communicate a passion and enjoyment for the kinky, sexual and other things that both enjoy in the power exchange dynamic that depend on obedience of the slave it no longer is about reward but about excitement of getting to do them for their Mistress. It is about obeying and doing everything to please the Mistress so not only the slave has some fun but not to screw up causing her not to play and therefore causing her not to have any fun!

We want unselfish and considerate slaves who need to please us. To get one we have to understand that does not get turned on and off and our desires and intentions must be pure as well. Communicating by our actions or downright believing that doing things for a slaves pleasure is only for rewards to them and not out of are enjoyment in doing them is problematic and far more attractive to selfish do me subs then awesome deeply submissive slaves.

Foolish assumptions and my reality

I have actively cuckolded in the past and will do so in the future I have had many men and women inquire about my concerns of safety, concerns of how far to take it and other normal fearful thoughts. Like most anything in life there is not one path that is the best and safe to take but we all have our own paths we must walk. Unfortunately most human beings always try to view others by how they are and this leads to many false assumptions. So I write this to show you how my path is in and around the area of safety and how I practice cuckolding my man.

The main wrong assumption is caused by a combination of fear and projection that makes every one assume to sleep with other men is to pick up strangers off the internet and at bars and along with this the fear of getting an STD. It is so common and to me very frustrating. It is common thought because most men and women so fearful of this blowing up in their face can only imagine doing something like this often with complete or near complete strangers to create a world of plausible deniability. This is not me, not that I am opposed to or never do relative strangers but that is more the exception to the rule with me.

Here is my world and not a fear or fantasy developed world:

1) I am a sadist on a pretty hard core level. I like people knowing I step out on my man. I like thinking or knowing that some people who know me think why does she do that to her man. Yes, some people will treat me badly because of it but for a far majority it is a benefit more then a problem. For one, more people will be up front with me and make it easier to find people I like to sleep with. Another great benefit was my ex being a very handsome doctor that roughly about 15-20 women throughout the years went to him and out of their “unselfish” motivation felt the need to inform him of my cheating on him. We both very much got off on this form of humiliation he received.

2) I do this in real life and not in cyber fantasy world. This has two components that not only do not get communicated but often are played up on the internet the opposite way in a big way.

- Unprotected sex with someone who is not your slave. I maybe incredibly naïve but in real life I just do not think it happens all that often while on the internet fantasy stories and people proclaiming true stories that are in reality are fantasy stories of unprotected sex and cream pies for their slave to eat up. Does it happen out there, I am sure it does, but not nearly the percent one is to believe if all their information about the life is from cyber.

- That a woman like me will easily fall for another man and leave my guy emotionally. My problem with this is twofold. First an important thing required by someone who cuckolds their man is to reassure and make their man confident that this will never be an issue. Many woman institute things like time and term limits on men so it is irrational to think any feelings could come of the sex. A way I do it personally is to always makes sure fairly soon after to go out of my way to make it known how much I care for my guy. Whether sexual treats or everyday spoiling things like cooking his favorite meal or cookies but some way to show my body is not his totally but my heart is. I know in the vast delusion of cyber a female dominant doing anything nice and heartfelt for a male is rare but in real life it happens like any other good relationship. Second, the thought is completely illogical. Some guy I am banging is probably not remotely submissive, willing to be my slave and let alone be cuckold himself. I am a Mistress because it is who I am and what I prefer to be in my role with my significant other.

3) Let us talk about STDs or what we are really doing when we normally talk about STDs and that is trying to control people or convert them to be like us. We take risks in most things we do in life and for most of us it is simply which risks are worth taking and for the wise people the risks worth taking for them is then is done by trying to minimalize that risk in some way. There is always risk when having sex with another person. There is also risk of driving in your car. I work nightly at an ER as a doctor. A shift never goes by without us having to treat as least one person from an auto accident and more times then not a pretty serious injury. I know two people from their experiences that refuse to drive out of being afraid from this exposure but most of us get in our cars without any issue. I can quote statistics all day long about the safety of sex to what a typical person fills their stomach or lungs with and on and on but it always comes down to if it is something you personally will risk or not.

On a side note most discussing safety and in particular non monogamy in this life are rarely if ever actually talking about safety but are talking about their own self esteem and fears in an illogical way. For the most part sex is used in society to control people and this trickles down to kinky stuff in this life. We as a group do the good people do this and the bad people do that approach to this life. The motivation is never really about safety but about portraying what a person does and has done as being the right way making them better then others and things they do not do are portrayed as unsafe and therefore those who do them portrayed as being bad and dangerous. It has very little to do with safety if one sheds any objective light on the words and attach people to those words. I mean really some smoker that is overweight has any actual integrity telling someone like me to not have sex with anyone? Personally though my favorite are people that are married in long term relationships trying to pretend by their preaching they only had one partner that was their spouse, like when they were not single or if they were single again they did not get laid. I know as a woman at thirty-six I know a whole bunch of woman I have known for a long time that banged a ton of men but talking to them now that they are married they sound like they were virgins on their wedding day.

There are risks in most things we do and this includes sleeping around. There are ways to help reduce the risks but not to eliminate them. This has to be accepted but not confused for someone that over hypes the risks to deflect their other fears and anxieties of sex with others that more often then not are the main reasons.

4) I do not control a man through sex nor does a man control me through it out of fear. Outside of pleasure and procreation the other thing sex is used for is control. It is why a man can nail twenty women before getting married and that is ok but he would never date a woman who was happily nailed by twenty men it is a fear of not having control. Women in marriage tend to use sex to control and the fear of not having sex as control as well. People quite simply that are torn between fantasy of cuckolding and the reality of doing it are often afraid of the losing of this mythical control. Because the reality of cuckolding is to strip away sex from love and even if the man remains monogamous the treatment of sex as not attached to love for a spouse is in the spot light.

Personally I do not have that in me. Whether my natural personality, my sadism, my path in life from embracing Buddhism in a profound way, my active time in the swinging lifestyle and a few strong hedonistic beliefs and who knows what else but I am strongly against controlling a person through sex out of fear and personal insecurities. Even as a female dominant that cuckolds her slave and will use chastity none of those things are used for the primary purpose of keeping a man and making him obey. Yes, I am a huge believer of many of the things Elise Sutton communicates and controlling a man through his cock is a big thing but there is a big difference out of controlling it through lust and what I am writing about, controlling through fear.

One who can and enjoys cuckolding has to be open to not using sex as a method of control through fear. Most, including men, are not willing to do this. For example go to a cuckolding site on the internet and see all the erotic stories and “true” stories written by the men proclaiming to be cuckolds. They almost have one thing in common if you look for it close enough and that is the stories almost always still have them in actual control. They are almost still all about begging their other to do it and them both going out and picking up a man he approves of. The stories maybe cuckolding but the words are that of a man still in control in his mind. Much different then someone like me telling my guy I am going out on a date tonight as a simple statement of fact and for him to deal with it.

5) It does not just have to be about quantity of times or men but with effort in creating and maintaining an atmosphere that is sexual and with cuckolding tones in it can be very pleasurable and make actual times last longer. Again from my viewing of what is often discussed in terms of cuckolding in cyber I see three main ways. 1) A women sleeping with a non stop parade of men. 2) A woman takes on a “lover”. 3) Scene playing that basically ends up a woman picking up a man or bangs a friend every once and awhile like it is for a special occasion only. Nothing wrong with these ways but we often when discussing cuckolding a man focus too much on the sex part and with the men focus way too much on their immediate reactions and any type of involvement of a sexual encounter whether before, during or after. The truth is to cuckold a man for me is to make it not an event based focus or thought but to make it an active and out there part of the relationship dynamic.

One of the pleasures of cuckolding is that even when not actively with another man or there is something planned ahead it can still give and help boost the atmosphere of the power exchange relationship, dominant and submissive feelings and enjoyment for all parties. It is in the words and actions that I can use. It is in the sexual situations I put my slave in. Because of the fact my slave is truly cuckolded and it is not just for fantasy or scene playing it allows a freedom in actions and words that can and for me does broaden our sexual relationship just between us and not in fact limit it like often cyber fiction communicates it to be. I am more likely to get my sadism stroked and get turned on. My slave is not worrying about if I will do it again but can relax knowing I will be doing it again and can focus on and receive his pleasure then having to wait just until next time.

Pros, Hoes and Tribute

The flammable female dominants and self esteem and ego messed up discussions when discussing these two topics pro dommes and tributes. To me they can be two different things so I will write about them separately.

Pro Dommes

I do not see why people have a problem with a pro dommes. A man pays some money and a woman does some things to them. I think often the debate and harsh words are just ego driven that both people who dislike pro dommes and pro dommes themselves add fuel to the fire. Female dominants that lash out at pros more often then not are lashing out because they feel it cheapens their own title and pro dommes lash out of frustration from this because many try to tie in what they do for money to be similar to what people do in our relationships which is just not the same.

My view of pro dommes can be expressed very simply, a pro domme may or may not be an actual female dominant but they are all women that take money to top men. An analogy would be going skiing you maybe a skier or you maybe just go skiing because your other wants to or for a social event and that just putting on skis and going down a slope does not make one an actual skier.

I do get why a man whether just a bottom type or a submissive that wants to get bottom cravings done would go to a pro domme but I do not get how an actual submissive man can get anymore needs then that. I mean how a submissive man could take pleasure in seeing enjoyment of a pro when it is almost certainly fake or contingent first and foremost with the cash they forked over. I mean how pleasurable could a submissive feel being paddled on the ass knowing the female dominant is thinking how much longer until I shove him out the door and I can go back to watching Oprah.

Tributes

I will be honest here and be in the minority of female dominants whether they ask for tributes or not but defend this practice, I take a severely dim view of female dominants claiming to want to be in a relationship of some type that require tributes.

First this is a wide topic so let me narrow down my rant. Let me dismiss two types of tributes the significant money tribute which is of course pros who either are worried about legalities, their advertisements being pulled or worry about being attacked. The other type is what I call future pros in transition. Women who have gotten a taste of men giving them things to be bottomed but are not yet comfortable turning professional so they are in between tributes as small tokens and cold hard cash.

Now to me this leaves two types of female dominants that require tributes:

1) Women who want a relationship of a personal nature. Whether just their one and only or just want a small group of regulars but require tributes to be of significant nature at least some of the time otherwise they see the men. I find these women to have a part combination of playing and leading men falsely on and fooling themselves.

You will hear female dominants who do this point to it costs money for toys and outfits and wanting to be sure a man is serious and not just out for casual kinky actions. I do not believe this holds any water. We do not ask others for money or free stuff if we take up a hobby or sport that costs money do we? If we take up skiing we buy our equipment and pay the fees to ski. If money is an issue in our life we budget, save or look at ways we can do things cheaply and in femdom and BDSM it can be done very cheaply as I myself can afford anything I want yet have hardly any leather outfits and a toy collection that takes up very little space.

If this man or these men actually meant anything to them then these female dominants would be expressing it in a way that the men would become part of their lives in a meaningful way. If that is the case then these men, like any other men in relationships, would probably be more then happy to help out buying their Mistress outfits and toys they would like to see used. The other bone of contention with this approach of a tribute is how any rational man could think a female dominant is sincere in having any feelings for you if you are only welcomed when dolling out significant money in a form of a gift.

The other point of wanting to know if the man is serious and not a player is beyond lame. There must be a thousand ways to figure this out, but of course if any man can play if he shows up with a significant tribute really speaks more about the female dominant and their motivations for getting something then anything a man is revealing.

To demand things like this upfront to me signals that the women like this are not open minded and open hearted to a man.

2) Female Dominants that only require small inexpensive tokens as tributes. Now these women are in an entirely different category then the ones discussed before. These are women that it truly is not ever about some material gain on their part.

What is more special and meaningful to a woman, flowers given to her by a man just because he wanted to or flowers given to her by a man because it was expected of him out of a holiday or some event? I do not know of any woman that does not answer it is way more special and touching to receive flowers by a man just because he wanted to. Then why do some female dominants insist on small tributes?

I think for some they just enjoy getting a token of appreciation and use the tribute part of female domination in a comfortable non greedy way to enjoy at least a level of that appreciation. Like my question right above it does not mean a woman does not like getting flowers on her birthday or Valentine’s Day.

But I think for many these small tributes are about over coming societal attitudes when it comes to some sort of intimacy is not to be shared without uttering the word love. Most that I have talked to and read their words that require small tributes are not looking for their one as much as just having one or a few casual play partners. I think for them to just show up and play can make them feel used in away and a small token of tribute makes them feel better about the causal intimate dynamic. Because of this I am not one to bash these types except for when they get a little too carried away with their deluded justifications or they need to support other types of tributes because they feel an attack on any type of tribute is an attack on them.

All I know is this for me, I never had Dave give me a tribute. In the time we have been together he has given me flowers twice and bought and installed a new doorbell I had casually talked about needing replaced. Sure I could have ordered him to do these things or any other man that was interested in me but ordering would not made my heart to speed up, my pussy to get wet and my brain to learn more about Dave in a wonderful good way then if I had demanded those things.

Female dominants asking for tributes are revealing more about themselves then they will ever get men to reveal in themselves for giving into their demands.

Leadership and Assertiveness

It is always something gosh darn it!

Many male dominants like to call it wisdom. Many female dominants like to call it superiority. I like to call it complete bullshit. What am I referring to? I am referring to the foundation of lies and failure that doom most failed power exchange relationships caused when people in the dominant role fail to provide consistent and ongoing leadership and assertiveness in their relationship.

Why does that have anything to do with wisdom and female superiority thoughts of dominants? Because quite simply the ones that fail at being leaders and assertive in their relationships need to delude themselves into thinking that sitting back and being spoiled does not need a counter balance or a yin/yang thing and instead delude themselves thinking their “greatness” is that thing.

Ask almost any deeply submissive person who is into power exchange about what they crave for and enjoy about serving someone. When we remove kinky things and sex you will almost always get answers pertaining to certainty of what the other wants and freedom from not having to think or worry about the person they care for is thinking or wanting. They want to please the person they care about and here is the tricky part for failed dominants they actually need to know what that is and receive that feedback when doing things.

Unfortunately with cyber and personal sites the words fake, insincere, player and on and on carry too much negativity, anger and frustration from people venting that it is very difficult to try to separate the people truly playing around and the people sincere but clueless and missing vital things to make any Mistress/slave relationship actually work. In this case I am referring to all the dominants that think they can sit back in a relationship and be spoiled, have their slave anticipate their needs and serve them. This is also by the way regardless of being trained by them whether before or after. The fact is to these blind dominants is a main motivation for a slave is to receive direct communication instead of guessing. That is why many want to be slaves in the first place so that uncertainty goes.

I see this constantly with my fellow female dominants. They want to be spoiled, they stress female lead relationships and preach a male sub should only care about their needs. But they are not willing to lead and tell these men what they want that moment or out into any future except for vague wishes and wants. So many want a slave to anticipate them wanting a nice time out on the town on a Saturday nights but do not want to tell their slave what that would be and want a slave to show them when the night comes up. But a slave despises that approach and was drawn to being a slave to avoid crap like that. A slave is drawn and responds to being told something specific like “I want to go to this type of or this restaurant. I want to go dancing here.” Even with a desire to want the slave to think and set up things a much better approach is to request the slave to think about what they can do Saturday night ahead of time and then pick one of them.

I was reading a post on a message board where a female was married and where they started out in an M/s relationship but drifted away from it when the man stopped being proactive. She over her frustration and not getting what she needed confronted him after several years had gone by and they agreed to try again. What did he decide to do? He is just going to write out some rules and things he wants her to do. This will fail and it will fail quickly because he has no interest in providing ongoing leadership and being assertive in a lot of the relationship.

Anyone can call themselves dominant in the hopes of finding someone who will spoil them. But they have to bring something to the relationship that the submissive wants which happens to be consistent and outward assertiveness and leadership. It is the yin to the yang of a power exchange relationship. Thinking one is wise as a natural behavior state or deluding oneself into thinking female superiority is an actual fact and not just fetish fluff are toss away delusions that doom any power exchange relationship that a dominant thinks can substitute for the effort needed on their end.

Be Aware of Narcissists

There is a personality disorder that for people who have it can be drawn to power exchange and in the dominant role. That personality disorder is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I strongly urge every singe submissive to do a Google search and read up on this disorder. These people are truly soulless dark human beings and they specialized in emotional and verbal abuse and neglect.

You cannot diagnose someone with any confidence from just cyber I will point out a few things that can be spotted in profiles, messages and chat sessions to spot these deeply trouble people that lay waste to everyone that gets tangled up in their web.

1) Everyone that has done them wrong or goes against them are portrayed as evil. .They cannot help this so past employers, government people, spouses are always portrayed as useless bad people. Often these people in cyber need to rip on people that either turned them down or they perceive said something negative about them.

2) They without exception always portray themselves as awesome and heroes. They do not make a taco salad but they make a great taco salad. They did not get fired from their last job because of not showing up but were fired because they did their job so well it showed up their boss. Even bad things that happen to them are always portrayed as they did not contribute to .01% of what happen and still what they do to deal you wonder why Hollywood does not make a movie of their life. They are creative writers and just do not sue to scam some money but sue to right a great travesty.

3) They by the time they reach middle age are either very successful in their careers or living off the government, ex spouses or family or some combination and have no jobs or very get quick rich type attempts at producing income. Narcissists need to feel they are better then others and stuck in middle management or some dead end job they simply cannot deal. So for those who are not super successful tend to crash and not compete in the work force because they simply cannot handle not being recognized as awesome. They either act that they are too above it or site some disability that no one that actually knows them can see.

Narcissists feed themselves with what professionals call their narcissistic supply. This supply is a big part attention from one or many and for people to think high of them and if that is in short supply to just think of them even if it is horrible things. You should be able to see then why a Narcissist could be drawn so powerfully to the dominant role. They can demand attention and try to get unlimited hero worship. Just please be very careful as Narcissist can be the ultimate fake charmers but inside you are not a person to them but an object to consume and toss aside when empty.

**UPDATE**

My guy and I bonded a lot over this topic as both of us unfortunately have a sibling with this horrible personality disorder. One of the ways we bonded was when he mentioned a woman he had been in some early communication with sent off alarm bells for this disorder and told me her name to read her profile. Anyway it did scream off narcissist.

When knowing about the actual personality disorder and spending enough time dealing and communicating with a narcissist it opens one to a different world like you have learned a second language fluently and have gone to that country to visit able to understand everyone. In this case reading this woman’s journal was for both of us a fun bonding experience to see how her narcissist brain thinks.

My point or warning is though a specific example that does not make one a narcissist to write but is something I wanted to point out to look out for. In one of her entries she wrote this “Are your fantasies about me or you?”

Now this is a great example in many lessons of the cyber world. A thought like this can come from a narcissists like where I read it, it can come from a dominant stressing the thought of not being all about what is in it for you as a submissive and it can be a learning experience for someone to slow down and think things through. A fantasy is of course always going to be about you, even fantasies that have actions that bring extreme pleasures to another are about you giving those pleasure and your enjoyment of that.

So to read something like this I would call it a red flag. Now a red flag by itself does not mean stop or assume the person is a fraud, trouble and anything less then perfect for you. But just something to think about and proceed with both eyes open. One should figure out if this was just an ill thought out communication about stressing unselfishness in a submissive, was it someone who is clueless about power exchange relationships thinking it is always about them and never their sub. Or in the case of the woman that I used in this example a narcissist who truly needs everything to be about her and that comes with really bad stuff.

Remember when spending a lot of time reading and talking about this life it can be easy to gloss over cliché thoughts or assign non cliché thoughts to cliché thoughts. Always look at this life and look at a person that you think you might want to serve or be served by with two eyes open and walking at a comfortable pace and not running blindfolded.

Advice to all the submissive men

Cyber is a vast wasteland where all types come together. But there is one thing in common and that is adults do not really change and wearing masks will never work for anyone sincerely looking for another person that they fit that want a real life 24/7 relationship. Do not see yourself get frustrated or give up hope because you decide to waste your time on insincere people out of hopeful thinking. Basically that women with ten words on her essay but an attractive picture is not going to be sincere looking for her long term Mister right.

There are sincere people on a site like this looking for a real relationship. There are also going to be many who are insincere some obvious and some fooling themselves more then trying to fool others. In cyber a person can call themselves what they want, they can claim a decade of experience when not having one minute, they can claim they are looking for real life but never meet anyone in real life and all of these things. I am not going to write the spot the fake or whatever derogatory word for someone insincere that lies to others or themselves on a site like this but I do want to point to a few things.

1) People looking to find a real person for real life will project themselves as human and sane. Male or female and dominant or submissive if the person acts like some out there stereotype they are simply not worth your time.

2) My new guy has a great thought about people online that if they do not have an open mind and an open heart you need to pass them by. A profile and journal entries filled with negativity and down right hatred for the people one is looking for is not worth replying to. They are just not really open to meeting someone for any number of reasons that need to be taken care of before they actually do.

3) Do not play the fool and buy into thinking there are nobody on here, but of course you, sincere in wanting a real life power exchange relationship. Men I have to tell you how easily the insincere play you by how much you like to hear about all the other males being fake. Well guess what that is just not the case. I was on here a little more then a month and had eight men I had serious interest in and could have been compatible with. There were probably another eight to ten men I could have easily found to be the same way but just did not have the time or want to waste theirs. Personally I do not buy for one second any female regardless of role or even on a vanilla dating sight to be even remotely sincere in their quest if they have been on a site longer then a couple of months and have not met a man in real life.

Cuckolding My New Man

I have discovered and enjoyed just how cuckolding my man can be done in such different type ways that makes this form of control, humiliation and showing of love and devotion. My ex had a monogamous gut feeling with a lust of humiliation. Just doing another man or him seeing or talking to another man that had done me was enough to kick him into being lowered and humiliated. It was easy and fun.

My new man will take more work as he shares the same philosophy as I do when it comes to sex in a relationship and that it is mostly physical pleasure and that monogamy is more about control and soothing insecurity of a lover leaving then it is about expressing love. That if you do not have the other’s heart and just have the threat of no sex as a way to keep a person then you do not have much of a relationship anyway. Now it is a nice thing to share this philosophy but it makes it much more difficult to cuckold him in a way that humiliates him and ignites my sadistic flames.

He is also different to my ex as my ex was very handsome and had a profession that made women willing to do pretty much anything to land a man like him, thankfully most women cannot take charge and lead in relationships in an assertive way. My guy, while I think he is a cutie, is not a turn heads guy and has a job that women do not swoon over. This combined with his sexual attitudes he enjoys seeing me getting checked out and will most certainly enjoy me on his arm while men who have had me are present. Like many men active in the swinger lifestyle or open relationships are about their woman in a yeah she is hot and horny and she always comes back to me because I make her heart go pitter patter way.

Pretty much from my earlier experiences and knowing other women that cuckold their man the biggest hurdle when push comes to shove is when the first time you have another man fuck you and either the man can or cannot handle it. I pretty much decided to do this early on as I was not about to waste time with a man that could not handle it. But with my guy it turned out to not be so simple to get both a litmus test and my sadistic thirst quenched. As earlier last week I informed him of a sexual liaison with a co-worker. His reply was surprise that it was the first time I had done it since we have been seeing each other and I had informed him that is something very ordinary for me to do with my particular job and hours worked. So much for getting any extra thrill out of his reaction!

So last Friday night I decided to kick it up a gear. He paid me a visit I was wearing nothing but a short silk robe and proceeded to greet him like he was about to get very lucky. Then making sure I had him all worked up I pulled back and informed him I had to get ready for my date with another man that night. I the ordered him to sit at my kitchen table with the lights off and better be like that when I return home. I wanted him only thinking about me on a date with another man. Well came home five hours later and nailed twice by a very horny friend with him sitting at the table. We then went to bed and I made him smell me from head to toe to smell the man and sex on me as much as he could while describing my nice time and throwing in how good the man was. That worked wonderfully with him and even his eyes got a little watery. Very nice and now I know I have something to work with.

I think I got me a very good guy and think the L word will be coming out of my mouth shortly!

First Sadisitc Action

I remember it like it was yesterday when I first acted on my sadistic desires. I was in high school with my high school sweetheart that I dated for two and a half years. Now I had always thought and maybe even wanting to see what happens when you hurt a man in his groin but it had seemingly never crossed my mind to do a live experiment on it. So one ordinary afternoon after school I am with my guy and we are kissing each other standing up then like an out of body experience I just go off and knee him fairly hard in his groin.

Now I had thoughts and feelings after I did it of oh no and what did I just do but those thoughts and feelings were completely dominated and dwarfed by uncontrollable laughing and an intense arousal seeing him on the floor moaning and his eyes slowly tearing up. It was super intense. Then something else happen that might of thankfully lead me down the path of power exchange and dominating my partner. What one would think would be a lot of yelling by him after he recovered and me apologizing it turned into him by the time I left him being more into me and for me thinking I could do anything to him and he would still want to be with me and really enjoying that thought.

If it were not for power exchange relationships I probably would be an awful confusing and bad significant other. On the one hand I am very unselfish and enjoy seeing my other deeply sexually satisfied. I enjoy cooking and have always been willing to meet my other in doing the dutiful spouse stuff. I have never had a significant other complain about the lack of sex or not having enough time to hang out with their friends. When first getting into this life in college I was told I give way too many blow jobs to be dominant like a dominant cannot like to get a guy off with their mouth.

But on the other hand I have always controlled the man I am with not by using the weapon of sex withholding but always with an attitude and manipulation of you better do this or you will most certainly be sorry and not having any patience for if I think something is best done out of working it through my brain and the man wants something different. I tend to be really good at taking in all the factors into something but when decision time comes I am absolute with zealot commitment.