My Fellow Mistresses

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The Mythical Alpha Submissive

One of our problems as a group when we communicate about the life we often assign tasks and personality traits by classifying them between dominant and submissive. For most of these things this is just idiotic. For example pretty much anything thought of domestic is often labeled a submissive task and of course the thought of  someone submissive being a passive human being and not capable of anything but some low ranking support job. Of course from an individual standpoint we know these thoughts are asinine. But this is a subject for some other time but did want to mention for the record these thoughts are stupid. My slave is a business owner my ex was a surgeon and they are often king of the work alphas.

Another issue that is a problem is when we discuss this life, especially or shall I write exponentially in femdom, is we discuss it in terms of specific actions or all about the submissive thoughts and behaviors. How many times does one have to hear or read about the submissive obedience, serving and putting their dominants desires over their own, but how many times do we ever mention the thoughts and responsibilities from the big picture of the dominant. I mean sure you get the duh lame obvious ones, keep the slave healthy, happy and be responsible for them but I ask all those reading this how many times have you heard in connection with femdom the female’s daily thoughts and responsibilities that are more day to day?

These responsibilities which I have mentioned many times and probably should write specifically on them one day are what submissives crave and seek out when interested and find the best fit in a significant power exchange relationship. We are talking the good old things such as leadership, inspiration, direction and possibly the most important thing direct open communication of what their mistress is thinking and wanting. Where do you hear about mistresses discussing such things… No seriously where do you because I rarely find it!

To me this is the sibling to the myth of the selfless submissive that collectively makes femdom so frustrating to many sincere submissive men and yes, sincere female dominants. It is why when one wants to read about the power dynamic sometimes the best places to read are anywhere but where female dominants communicate in cyber. Why is this? Well four reasons.

1) Society standards

This is the huge one unfortunately. Society has males taking the lead in pretty much anything including defending women. A woman who is take charge and sticks up for herself in a forceful manner is often labeled a bitch. Heck even in the last half of the twentieth century with feminism and equal rights going strong we women still embraced the male initiate contact, pay for dates and lead the relationship. By the way but sorry fellows and especially male submissives but this is probably not going to change.

But outside superficial stuff has always been that way but the inside behind closed doors has always had more equality in it. After all there is a reason we have the word henpecked. So while the public hurdle is quite high the fact is in our personal relationships the bar is not nearly as high. While most women meant for regular relationships go gaga for alpha males the ones that are happy and in a loving relationship with those alphas know they are not leading anything in their relationships.

2) Woman playing at being dominant

These are the women that are promoting the male submissive as a selfless human being that should have no needs other then spoiling their mistress. These women tend to be damaged for various reasons with the most common characteristics of middle aged and bitterly divorced. Why they are playing dominant is because they have zero alpha in them and very much want an alpha male, but they just want the perfect alpha male who will mind read and spoil them. They simply have no ability to lead.

3) Sincere and/or experienced mistresses

We are very guilty of not so much promoting these myths but by lack of calling out the myths and especially the female dominant players. Why does this happen? My guess is that in some combination of females sticking together, our own weariness of males being too kink and sex focused and the enjoyment of discussions of being spoiled make us give them a free pass. But the repercussions of our failure to confront these myths and the female players is that it gives their views air to breath and overwhelms reality based femdom.

4)  Male submissives not growing a backbone

I am stealing this from my slave who brought this to my attention. He noted to me which once I took notice I was stunned by how he was so dead on. His observation was that male submissives live to rip other male submissives or see them ripped by female dominants and it makes them feel like they are the “true” submissives. I mean just in this past month I have seen males argue that the longest a man can be chaste without a device and being/embracing feminization as the only way to be able to truly serve on a message board.

This and along with the play acting required by the female players in order for them to pay attention has rendered far too high a percentage of male submissives as spineless actors. They play a role of the fictional selfless male all about a woman that comes off unbelievable fake and insincere to a sincere reality based mistress. These men are in effect supporting the myth that hurts them the most.

The cyber created mythical alpha submissive (thanks again to my slave for giving me this term)

In the past year that I have jumped back into this life in a public way I bounced between being mad or laughing at what far too high a percentage of women calling themselves dominant and wanting a female led relationship actually describe in what they are wanting in a man. The women want to retain all beta like characteristics while finding an alpha male who will spoil them and pretty much always described as they will focus on them, read their minds and do things that spoil them, give them lots of attention and make their life easier. Pretty much want a man to work hard and bring good money home, do most of the domestic work and spoil them with attention and entertainment all the while they may or may not do kinky things but do not expect actual leadership, assertiveness and direct communication in the relationship dynamic.

My slave and I enjoy or get flustered by a certain female dominant player that we kind of bonded over for private reasons. Anyway this woman probably displays the most obvious signs of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I have ever seen from someone online, but that is neither here nor there. My slave pointed to me this morning a journal entry that this woman had written recently. The journal entry was one long and repetitive communication of she was not a take charge and order dominant but expected a male submissive to be assertive and proactive in his focus on her and doing things that she would like and needed to be done. She saw her duty as pretty much just point out things about him and what he was doing that needed correcting. This is what the rest of call sitting on our ass and contributing nothing. Now she is probably a narcissist and by disorder attention always on her, does nothing for others and no empathy is hard wired. But still the irony of claiming herself a dominant and wanting a female LED relationship is still somewhat offensive to me.

Exactly where is this leadership, inspiration and direct communication of what she wants and feels both big picture and in the moments?

We are always a mixture

As I started off in this post we are all not one note. We are not all passive and cannot think for ourselves or are we assertive and give directions/orders for everything in life. We as dominants and submissives can have jobs that if we stereotype falsely can look as alpha or beta type jobs that do not match up to our relationship dynamic choice.

But if we want to be the dominant in the relationship we cannot justify or just be in denial of what that is going to involve. We must lead in the relationship in an assertive and take charge way the more significant the power exchange is going to be. This also goes the other way that a male submissive must be willing to be led!

As I have written before and will write many times in this blog. A person willing and wanting to spoil their significant other and put their desires over their own is not the main and certainly not the only requirement to be a submissive in a power exchange relationship. There simply is no person not willing or enjoys being spoiled regardless of gender that they cannot find someone in the regular world. Throw in the fact on how much easier it is to find regular people then the thought should venture into the area of absurdity.

There is no such thing as an alpha submissive the take charge of the relationship and spoil and devote their life toward mind reading what their other desires. Even the most macho and most outwardly alpha out in the job world if they are submissive desire in their personal relationship to not be the take charge one. Any female who justifies to claim being a sincere dominant and not accepting their ACTIVE leadership responsibility is a fraud and doomed to failure. This does not mean 24/7 and everything everyday in the relationship but it will be most things most days. This does not mean always embracing and being happy and energized about doing so but it does mean accepting this as our responsibility and duty in a femdom relationship if one is sincere and grasps the concept of equal effort.

Who or What of Serving

Pop quiz what is the thing in common that connects the following two items:

1)  A male submissive on a message board creates a topic about whether it is better to serve by being motivated to do things for their mistress or motivated to serve by doing things they enjoy doing for a mistress.

2) A couple of weeks ago I had maybe the strangest message written to me privately. It came from another female dominant in which in a partly joking manner accused me of being a fake. Her reasoning was how I could claim I found many sincere male submissives and was able to go to real life so fast. She went further on to state she only runs into “do me” submissives because they always disappear when after a few messages she demands they write an in-depth essay of how they can serve her and make her life better.

The answer is…

What these two things have in common is they set the boundaries of where each role players in femdom often confuse the dynamic for the byproduct in a comical way. What do I mean by that is both sides who do not get the basic relationship for a healthy relationship in femdom where serving a mistress is to spoil her out of joy for her and what a mistress must understand what makes it a joy for them to do so.

Let us take them one by one.

Male submissive serves for the mistress and not the things done

What I wrote in number one above for many reading this should have been of course a duh type reaction. Of course it is way better and more meaningful to take joy in serving for the love of their mistress and not for the joy of doing the things that serving often require. This has not much to do with femdom as much as it has to just do about human interaction with people we care about. We simply do not want to be objects to people that we care about.

So what mistakes do submissive men do that fail them of this concept so often:

1) Men are cheap whores. In other words they will serve at the drop of the hat to any woman calling themselves dominants that they think might give them some kinky and fun times. When you are willing to serve anyone you are in essence communicating I consider a mistress an object.

2) Serving is not about doing things you like doing already. Too many men take things that interest them and try to turn them into the things they will want to do with a fictional mistress in their head and spin that into what serving is about. We are talking some of the classic examples like a man with a foot fetish willing to give untold foot massages, a man with a toilet fetish willing to be a toilet and a man wanting to be “forced feminized” wanting to clean a woman’s house and already has his maid uniform. These men are like #1 where they have already objectified any potential mistress if they are obsessing on items like this or mistake them for serving.

3) Play the role before ever being in the role. Men come online or heck it happens in local communities, or at least it sometimes use to, and they basically immediately go into play acting where they are all about serving a mistress just like the person they have directed their attention on. They make themselves immediate one dimensional characters that are not real and are not going to be attractive to sincere mistresses because of that.

What mistakes female dominants make that fail them of this concept so often:

1) They objectify themselves. They in fact project male submissives to be so one note, selfless and all about serving to spoil them, that nothing about them really matters or anything they do really factors much into anything femdom when it comes to serving.

2) They objectify male submissives. The communication is pretty consistent and pretty pathetic as they pretty much show no real interest in the man but solely focus on what can the man do to spoil me with attention and service. This is in essence the female dominants who only have the ability to communicate femdom is only a male spoiling a female.

3) They do not get nor do they have the ability to actually tell a submissive man what, when and how they are to serve in a leadership capacity. They know they want to be spoiled but they do not want to actively take charge so they will indeed get spoiled. Their complete failure to understand their role and effort in femdom in order to get a submissive to serve and spoil them requires active participation.

Two wrongs do not make a right but just make a lot of noise in a sad and sick game of you get what your lazy and selfish thoughts deserve

Most of what gets communicated in my opinion on message boards and online personals about femdom is complete garbage. The reason being because most of the people who are shouting them are the players that do and project the very things I just wrote above.

We get far too many women calling themselves dominant who believe or accidentally communicate femdom being basically all just about being spoiled with attention and things done to make their life easier and better by selfless male submissives. Any man who dares to have personal needs and double icky if they involve sex and kink are instantly labeled “do me” subs and are to be banished from the face of the earth. But guess what, female dominants who only want to concentrate on being spoiled are the actual equivalent of a “do me” sub just the female dominant version.

We get far too many men that think being submissive and serving a mistress is all about getting their kinks satisfied. In fact these men can be do me type submissives. They put on a mask and play the role that the do me mistresses communicate and play at the selfless submissive when often in fact all they are doing is how long do I have to do this shit before I get something kinky done to me.

So the female dominant who projects this image have honest and sincere male submissives totally dismiss them because they are what they are players who have no ability to have a real and sincere femdom relationship. So we have male submissives who play these games only to get female players to talk to them then get pissed when the female player realizes what they want and the man are about is fiction in this case and blow them off. No sincere mistress capable of a real femdom relationship is going to consider a man who is in essence objectifying the person they are supposedly seeking out.

It becomes a sad case of perpetual delusion of femdom and who is actually out there.

Reason #502 why the reward for obedience is fools gold

It is this philosophy that keeps the players going on and on and not dying out. The reason being is these female dominants who often proclaim hatred for the do me subs and so often clearly communicate a complete lack of actual interest in all things kinky and much of the time sex as well basically adopt this way. What they basically sell to men is obey, which is code for spoil me because they rarely communicate an order or bother to lead in their relationships, and I will then do some kinky things to you, if I have to.

What does this attract? Well of course the do me subs they hate so much to begin with. The men going what do I have to do to get some kinky sex around here. Clean your house? Ok, done. Now can I get spanked!

The sincere female dominants and male submissives accept their roles and duties in their relationships out of caring for the person and not the object the person represents to them in their fantasy that may have started off their journey into this life. This means the male submissive serves out of love and joy for their mistress. This means they care so much about them and that they make them so happy that they enjoy and love to spoil their mistress. But this means because in order for a male submissive to be attracted to a mistress and makes them happy that a woman has to actually be an actual mistress.

An actual mistress is not a female who desires to be spoiled. An actual mistress is one that has within them the ability and desire to actually be the active leader in the relationship with their slave. This require communication that directly communicates how, when and what the male submissive will spoil them. This requires initiating, inspiring and knowing power exchange requires equal effort. It requires understanding that you cannot pay a sincere male slave to spoil you with kink because that by the very essence of it makes then serving an object and not a person. Please tell me who enjoys that feeling?

For a heads up my next post will be the first in a series on the local communities. In specific it will be on the topic of the difference between a personal life versus a social life with those active in local communities. I am motivated to write on this topic just like I was motivated to write on this topic. Specifically there was a topic on a message board that drew my attention in quite a passion filled manner. The topic was basically female dominants who wish in a femdom section of the message board there were far less sex and kink questions posed by male submissives and far more topics that interest them which all the examples were of females being served by males.

As I wrote above male submissives just wanting to discuss kinky things on message boards and female dominants just wanting to read things about being spoiled are the same people both fantasizing and wanting other to produce material for these fantasies. I believe this has gained some undeserved creditability because of one of the aspects I see that comes from local communities. It is the people that play at power exchange for their social life. I am talking female dominants that have a stable of very part time submissives or an endless succession of short time non main relationship submissives. What they do when they meet up is play at femdom and in this play you of course get the spoil me is the main thing. I think these people have given validity to the idea that femdom is actually that way when transferred into a main and ongoing relationship.

So heads up on people interested in reading about that to check the site in the next day or two and for those that just yawned you can skip the next day or two!

Did Cyber Betray Femdom?

Hi my name is Jen. I am a female dominant. I also have some deep dark secrets. You see I like sex and I like kinky things like giving pain, humiliation, tying people up and cuckolding my slave. Now in my younger days maybe I was footloose and fancy free, falling into the wrong crowd and indulging in these things with my time in local communities mostly with my now ex slave/husband that we were together for over thirteen years. Now in the past year I have dipped my toe back into the single life through the new populace thing called the Internet it seems I was doing it all wrong and should maybe seek professional medical help to fix the error of my ways.

The preceding paragraph was written in the intent of being completely sarcastic. But I did put genuine truth in there that in the past year being the really first time I hit the Internet for this life and was genuinely stunned at what I found. Reading personal ads from other female dominants, various message boards and a few blogs it seem to be a “real” female dominant then one pretty much must be quite dismissive of sex and absolutely be very dispassionate to the point of being quite annoyed that kinky things are or might be done in a femdom relationships. I was disappointed that many of the male submissives seemed to take pride in how weak of human beings they were and pretended/lied that they had no other interests but to please a Mistress.

Chicken or the Egg?

Maybe someone can tell me which came first to cause this new world of female domination where female dominants were not suppose to have passion for the life in controlling a man with all the tools that make even more fun to do so and what happen to men that were submissive AND had sex on the brain? So is it many female dominants in cyber space dispassionate complainers or they feel it is the only way to portray the life to avoid male players? So are so many male submissives this pathetic and weak they cannot stand up for themselves or are they putting on an act because the woman posing as female dominants will only deal with them if they act like non normal males?

Because I do not get it at all. You can do power exchange with little kinky things or none at all if you are not into them. You can find male submissives with low sex drives if you have a low sex drive as well. When did it become rare or not cool to enjoy sex and have passion for some of the kinky things even to the point of having some fetishes?

Making female dominants look weak and like losers!

Now I am a big fan maybe you could call me a disciple of Elise Sutton. Now she writes in a way too broad of “all men” and I despise the term “female supremacy” unless it is in a playful way. But her philosophy is using the male for whom he is which for many is sex on the brain or as she likes to put it control a man through his cock. But cyber seems to try to pound into everyone that we should not only not control a man through his cock but it is practically a sin to acknowledge a male submissive has one. This troubles me greatly because to me this is not an enlightened thought.

Women throughout human history have used our feminine charms and the males drive to have them to get things we wanted and needed. To me this concept certainly falls into controlling them and therefore in the power exchange dynamic as well. Throughout history all women and my previous experience this includes female dominants have dealt with the horny male without ending all frazzled and wounded to want to dismiss men offhand. Also did we not have a hellacious fight as women to claim our sexuality over the centuries to stand up for liking sex and wanting to be sexually satisfied? It troubles me that the cyber female dominant seems to want to throw that away so easily.

In My Opinion

I have formed an opinion that actual female dominants (which I will define as ones that go out and live power exchange relationships in real life to whatever degree) have let the anonymity of the Internet and our own laziness to let the bored or damaged women posing as female dominants control the message of femdom. Because to me the message I have read in the past year is being a female dominant is hard because men think with their cocks and we shall not take any man serious until sex and this cock thing is totally dismissed. That because we are too lazy to deal with men we force men to lie and not be themselves which causes us more problems and more things to complain about until we all have swallowed the pill of deluding ourselves. That there are no decent male submissives out there or maybe more importantly no potential great male slaves out there once I get a hold of one.

My time in local communities way back when that now I wonder if it was in the prehistoric ages we as a group would have laughed off female dominants promoting this life about all about me being served and spoiled. Please prove to me you are a sincere man by doing all of my domestic chores, other labor projects and spend a lot of money on me and maybe I will spank you. Just the same way we would have laughed off men acting totally week and fictional in terms of not wanting anything or having any interest but one unselfish one would be called out as players. But it seems like today we embrace this.

Why have we let bored and damaged women frame what we are about and the joy and passion of female led relationships? Why are we letting women who pretty much throw their life away with instant messaging and finding any forum to male bash run the show? Men reading this why do you bow down to women that have had a profile up for months or years but have not been in a relationship during that time? I was on for less then a month and found plenty of men to be sincere and interesting enough to lose the masks of cyber and venture forward. It does not mean they all would have been princes if I kissed them but I was out to find one for real life.

Yes there are plenty of male players out there and many female ones as well. But when did we as female dominants become too afraid of them to let them run the show. Since when did being a female dominant leave us with an entitlement of any male interested in us should be a perfect finished model of male submissiveness to our utopian wishes. Way back when I started we expected the male species to have many rough edges and it was not only our desire and effort to turn this rough model into a beautiful finished model for ourselves it was a lot of the enjoyment. What happened!