Happy vs Happy

At what price do we use others to get what we want even when it will be fleeting?

Let me finish with this topic as my third post in an unplanned trilogy of posts including the Selfless is a Myth and Manipulation isDelusional. In these things are comments and thoughts in a big picture way about doing things or trying to avoid things out of personal desires and wishes. We make up convenient beliefs and manifestos that benefit what we want to try to manipulate others to fit us or the game of pretending to be a great submissive and especially slave one must be selfless. It still leads down to what I have written in my blog that sounds very confusing for someone who is the submissive in a power exchange relationship. What is the difference or is there a difference between wanting/needing the mistress to be happy out of just in general or because they make the slave happy and therefore want that to continue.

Splitting Hairs?

One of the ways Buddhists can discuss what love is about is to accept who we love for who they are and not what they do for us or anything else that in essence we objectify them. So for example a rich man loves his trophy wife because he enjoys making others envious of him a Buddhist would not consider that love. An examples of power exchange would be a mistress focused on how good the submissive’s domestic skills and wallet size might be or a submissive who is obsessed with being feminized by a mistress. If they love them mainly because they do this for them then one would not say they love them for who they are but what they do for me.

But, and some might already have had this pop into your heads, is not what another does somewhat key in how we feel about them and therefore the Buddhist point is just theoretical mumbo jumbo? Well it is often a great source of a debate when talked about that is for sure. But there are distinct differences and they lie in what I have been talking about in the previous posts.

Compatibility and realistic desires and intentions

The difference between loving someone for who they are and loving what they do and make us feel lies with compatibility and not forcing one or both to put on a fake mask in order to get what we desire and need. In other words a mistress may demand their slave do all the cooking and cleaning but if she does this just to act like a mistress or the slave hates and resents doing all of it but does it so he can get something he wants then one is not there out of love.

Now this is not about taking each and everything we do in life and assigning them in terms of want to do them or not do them and figuring out the reasons. After all everyone in life that has any empathy and limited resources such as time and money does things on more then a daily basis that we would prefer not doing and this includes things in our relationships. But what the Buddhist are asking is for a person to take a step back and think basically if I am only doing this because or if they were not to do that then would I type thoughts. Basically in short do we through our own means try to manipulate or use the other person to be something they are not in order to want to be with them or are we on the other side of this?

Force is one of those tainted words when we talk about power exchange. Because many that practice oppose the word as being scary and more likely do not actually have power exchange in their relationship. But of course many that do have power exchange in their relationship and force is a very good thing. It though still is about compatibility and the big picture in terms of when doing the things we find less pleasant in our lives and/or not in the moment feel but the responsibility is still on us is it for the greater good or does it slowly erode the greater good and build resentment with the other until the relationship crumbles. For many in power exchange of course this can be tricky as force, domination and suffering in the moment brings great pleasure overall and this includes dominants as well. For example having to lead and make decisions when we do not want to but know it is our responsibility to.

My point being when there are one way manifestos, unwillingness to accept the other person for who they are needs and desires included. When we suffer through with no benefit but just to get something, then we are not accepting the other for who they are but what we want from them. While one or two people can keep wearing the masks whether manipulated to put on or we wear voluntarily that only delays the inevitable that something is wrong and one or both are not accepting one or both for who they are but just what they can do for me.

How and where does this occur in power exchange relationships?

Where this occurs is what I have written about in this trilogy. It is when we regardless of role or gender decide to believe in one way truisms in order to manipulate people. It is the slave has only one need and that is to please and obey their owner. It is coming up with crazy ideas about long term chastity without any effort to torment, humiliate and focus on the chastity for a man that has a healthy sex drive because the dominant does not enjoy sex.  But submissives can be just as insincere and manipulative when they play the I wan that to or I think I can be this in order to get with anyone except trying for the right one.

How it occurs is simply often the case of too soon or too late. Whether a mistress wants her house cleaned so she jumps on the chance of a man that peaks her interest or whether a submissive looking for something kinky says anything and tries anything to get it then in both cases the other has objectified the other and have contaminated their judgment of the other. In terms of too late the most common is when a person from either roles wants to establish a relationship and have invested in the relationship to the amount of developing strong feelings but have not done any power exchange yet. At this time one or both have invested too much in the relationship leaving them vulnerable to wearing that fake mask in order to try to make the other happy.

For us to be happy in a long term healthy and loving relationship the only way is to be accepting of the one we are with for who they are. For those who choose to manipulate another that can range from delusional wishful thinking to abuse and for those who try to be something they are not in order to make the other happy is the yang to the former yin. We have a choice in the power exchange life just as we have a choice in any other relationship dynamic, to deal with the realities of a human being or be eternally frustrated, manipulating and lonely by projecting what we cannot maintain or think we can get someone else to.


Promise a more fun and upbeat post for the next time as I am tired of this area as much as some of you must be tired of reading it!