Torture is Online Dating

Free advice for those searching online, so sorry no refunds or guarantees!

Reposted from my collerme journal and edited slightly and two bonus tips at the end.

1) Be honest with others starts by being honest with yourself. Fooling other people has never led to a good relationship. Being honest and finding the right person has surprisingly worked for most if not all good relationships. It is shame on everyone when people try to fool others or others get fooled often by delusional wishful thinking. But the main culprit of people getting burned online is people lie to themselves more often then anything else.

There is nothing wrong if all you want is kinky sex so do not fool yourself into thinking you can be submissive in a relationship so you can attain kinky sex. There is nothing wrong wanting a man to dump a ton of attention on you and spoil you but do not think calling yourself dominant and not accepting there is equal effort involved just like any other type of relationship. Being the dominant means the active and assertive leader in such a relationship will be where your effort is required.

2) Write for the people you want to attract and not for the ones you do not. The stupidity that people of both genders and roles on online dating sites never ceases to amaze me. Most spend 90% of the time and attention on the people they have no interest on and let them interfere with their search for the person they are supposedly looking for. A profile filled with what you are not looking for, tired of and do not like in self inflicted hatred spewed crap is only going to repel anyone who is sincere and a possible match.

Words get information and project attitude and sincerity when looking online. You can have very helpful information with negative things but make sure that is what you are communicating and not just venom and frustration and certainly make it a minor part of your overall presentation toward others.

3) Make sure you and the person you are interested in has a passion for the life and not just a desire for one or more byproducts of the life. I cannot begin to stress this enough! (Look for a blog post soon on this topic!)

This is a companion piece of advice to #1. A person obsessed with kinky sex will play along with being submissive in other aspects of a relationship at first to get kinky sex. A person wanting to be spoiled will act like they are willing to give kinky sex things in order to get spoiled. But in both cases if they truly do not enjoy the aspects that get and keep the things they really just want then they will disappear over time. The submissive just looking for kinky things will not be all that submissive and the dominant just wanting their house cleaned and being taken to nice dinners and entertainment events will stop doing kinky things.

If a person does not show a true interest and desire in the power exchange life then they will just not have a healthy power exchange relationship within them. There are many males seeking out kinky sex putting on a mask and pretending to be submissive overall. There are many women wanting attention from men and to be pampered calling themselves dominant. But without passion for the actual aspects they are nothing more then pretenders.

When you read about or personally experienced about a person frustrated and upset at their other because they have stopped playing or doing anything in the power exchange dynamic this is almost certainly the cause. It is a dominant just want a certain way to live and ventures into this life thinking they can find that by getting their other being a submissive. Quick clue, if they beat the term “natural” into the ground to describe what they are, looking for, how they want to live it and are very dismissive of things like rules and rituals.  For example the dominant that states with pride I just have one rule, “obey”. What they actually mean is I will just be my selfish inconsiderate self and you be you. When something conflicts in our life or I want something you do not, obey. Otherwise this relationship will not be any different then any other relationship you ever had.

4) Be willing to play the game but do not let the game play you. Congratulations you have chosen to find another person in a medium of the written word. One needs to accept this. One does not show up to a softball game dressed for a night at the opera. If you are not willing to put in the effort to put yourself out there with written words in your profile and messages to people early on then do not bother. Making excuses to justify why you do not make this effort will maybe make you feel less guilty or to question yourself why no one is interested in you but in the end it will still leave you all alone. If you do not want to write then do not go online looking and just try or stick to your local community.

At the same time though do not get caught up in the game of a cyber player who just wants to exchange IMs and emails for as long as possible before they say no thank you. Two tips on how long before you might want to stop. 1) For men it will be much longer then you want so deal with it. 2) There is always a time when enough has be written where a person has revealed a lot about who they are in terms of if they are coming off as being themselves or are playing a role in cyber. For some people it is a few exchanges and for some it can take awhile. But once it happens the next step should happen otherwise one is spinning their wheels.

5) It takes two to play. If they are not into you then you need to stop being into them. I do not care about gender, role and the people can be regular people looking for a regular relationship, a person either wants to be in a relationship or not, end of the story. Even people proclaiming they stopped looking for one and it then happen still WANTED a relationship. Anyone wanting a relationship will make the effort when a possibility presents itself and certainly if they proclaim to wanting one if they are sincere.

If the person seems not to be interested in getting to know you, does not ask questions and treats you like you are their just for their amusement or objectify you as a piece of meat then do not waste your time. Typically women addicted to instant messaging their life away and men looking to score sexually are the main culprits on this one. People actually wanting a relationship with the ability to go out and have one will slowly build interest and excitement in a person they are in contact with. If they are treating you the same way they treated you after the fourth message and chat as the first, then you are just an interactive web site to them and not an actual person.

If your heartfelt and effort filled messages are met with no effort or more then likely excuses why so little effort like “I want to respond in detail to your nice message but I am busy right now and will do so later” but later never happens, you are being played. Genuinely interested people want to impress and show they are interested.

6) Be willing or why bother and why bother with the non willing. Are you or the other you are talking to really serious about having a real life relationship with agreed upon power exchange that both are supposedly on a power exchange site looking for.  Here is a big hint. I have never known any submissive or dominant who has ever been in a long term relationship that was not in many ways dominant or submissive in previous relationships and just found that this life fits them best, brings it out of them more or like it out in the open type thoughts. Personally I have never known a person who claims to want a deeply submissive role in a relationship that never has been submissive and is “waiting for” the right person to do it. Those are excuses for it will just never happen. Same thing with dominants, I have never known someone dominant wanting a significant power exchange relationship that comes off as completely regular then boom becomes assertive and a take charge leader in the relationship.

People do not flip on the power exchange role out of the blue and turn it off out of the blue. It does not mean like they are suppose to come out of central stereotype casting when you meet them off the street. But as a relationship develops and feelings develop I have never seen people meant for power exchange need to make ultimatums or wonder when the other is going to become a role.

7) Don’t pass the buck onto a star. When we wish upon a star we take away our most valuable asset ourselves! One of my dearest friends is thirty-five and has her biological clock ringing loudly in her ears. She just ended a year and a half relationship with a man. The man was in his forties and already had three children from a previous marriage and did not want anymore children and told her that from the start. So why did she keep going out with him? Because he entertained her and she was always having a good time with him. She wished and hoped he would change his mind.

Is she weird or strange? No I think she is far more normal then abnormal how she enters her relationships with men. It is quite common for women to seek out a man that entertains them first and then hope they are compatible in other things. Men do this with women’s looks and sexual willingness. They seek out an attractive woman that does it for them sexually and hope then all other critical things will fall into place.

Well people in this life are no different. It is why women seem to want entertainment through IM and dating often before talking about power exchange and men write practically any woman who has an attractive picture in their profile regardless of any written words that may or may not be there and what they actually say. The woman is basically saying entertain me and I will hope we match up in other areas and the man is going look decent and hopefully we will match up.

If one wants their skewed version of a fairytale romance go for it. But if you wonder why it usually crashes and burns is because usually you have sought out something one note and left a lot of important things that need to work in a relationship to wishful thinking. “Love” in terms of “If we love each other we can make it work” is a selfish and manipulative term that we really mean is they will change to fit me for what I need them to fit. People in happy and healthy relationships accept, love and care for the person they are with for exactly what they are. People in bad, unhappy and unhealthy relationships are often trying to twist each other into being something they are not.

8) You are searching online personals to find someone not get your ego stroked, nobody cares about you when you are a stranger with a profile. Real, true, fake, sincere, insincere, players, wannabes, do me subs, pros and on and on. No one cares how cool, wise, smart, trustworthy, popular, in demand, worthy and on and on you think or want others to think you are PERIOD! It is about two people getting together and their opinion of the other period.

Be sincere, honest and open and do not waste your time on anyone that you think is not doing the same. The woman acting like she is swamped daily with email when she has been on longer then a couple of months is lying to you to project popular and therefore get more attention and validate her views as the right way. The male keeping his profile bare bones to avoid all the crazies is lying to you. Making some stranger jump thru your hoops so you can feel good about not being played is great except most sincere strangers are not willing to jump thru hoops of complete strangers. So you can feel good about never getting played until you die alone of old age if not getting fooled is that important to you.

If you are on a dating site to find your special someone you need to first stop worrying about how cool you project yourself and thinking you can control strangers to make it easy on yourself.

9) Cyber does not make you perfect. You are alone when typing on your computer but you are not alone in seeking out that other person. It is too common the moment we start typing to lose reality and forget all of our less then perfect and attractive qualities and at least dismiss them in some unrealistic justification to the cyber world. Being in cyber does not make your liabilities go away. So sorry living in your parent’s basement, being fifty pounds overweight or thinking that girl who is twenty-five years younger will not or should not care and be open to you just because you are now alone on your computer safe from real life in person rejection. If you were to approach the opposite sex with one of these things or some other that you know in real life is a problem or limitation they do not change in cyber.

You are also not alone when writing another person. You are in competition with every other person writing them. It is never a game of the other person should have to prove to you that you are not a fit but prove to the other person why you are a better fit then others. This does not mean tear down strangers you no nothing about but realize a profile on a dating site and any old message does not obligate the other person to have to consider you seriously and prove to you that you are not a good fit.

10) If you pause and take the time the truth is out there. Do not through frustration, over eagerness, wishful thinking or assuming the other is exaggerating or playing it cool that you ignore the obvious. A male sub I have been communicating with as a friend asked me to take a look at a female dominant’s profile and asked me to give an opinion. The profile was quite long and very specific in what she was looking for. But I wrote back to him she had not one ounce of domination in her. The entire profile was of a woman looking for a man that was going to sweep her off her feet, take charge and be super proactive and fulfill all of her desires with incredible proactive ESP powers. There was nothing in the profile that communicated dominant. But to the man who wrote and asked me my opinion he saw an attractive woman, calling herself dominant and not asking for money but that does not make her a sincere dominant.

All women know and most men know a guy who can only list the kinky interests on his interest list and his brief word part is all “I like” kinky stuff done to him created his profile and comes on this site when he is horny and just hoping to score some kinky sex. Well sorry to inform you men but women are not any different then men that they will reveal themselves if you keep an open mind to what you are reading. A woman with three of her four paragraphs in her profile are about finding a man to make her life easy by doing chores, home improvements and being “generous” to them is not looking for a mutual effort loving power exchange relationship.

It is very simple think of a couple you know that is in love with each other and have been together. Do you think for one second that when the man closes his eyes and thinks about her he only thinks about sex? Do you think when she closes her eyes and thinks about him all she thinks about is how he makes her life easier? No they do not. A sincere female dominant looking for a long term relationship does not really give a damn about how her house is going to get cleaned. A sincere male submissive looking for a long term loving relationship is going to care a lot more then just about kinky sex and power exchange things to get with a woman. You need to keep your eyes open for the clues to this as they will be everywhere.

Bonus Tips

11) I am sure Hitler thought of himself as a nice, honest, trusting and a man of great character. Throwing out profiles going for laughs I doubt there has ever been an online profile where a person honestly describes themselves and liars, cheats and not to be ever trusted. Filling your profile up with positive qualities that pretty much every human being thinks they have is very boring and a waste of time and effort. The person interested in you is going to by their experiences with you determine what qualities you have. In fact generally people that come off needing to communicate they have better character then other human beings tend to have low self esteem. Often this will hurt their character and have serious issues with important qualities.

For example a person stating “I am very intelligent so please do not think you can fool me” might as well be saying “I cannot handle being wrong and those who make me feel I might be, I will lash out against”. Basically this is showing a weakness by trying to overly protect it.

People’s attention spans are going to be limited when reading a profile. Filling it up with generic stuff like “I am very trustworthy” will not make you stand out and more then likely put the reader to sleep.

12) That was a great ten minute answer about the causes of heart disease Jen but the question was on liver cancer. Do not make your profile mainly let alone completely about your romanticized/idealized perfect other or you as what is a perfect theoretical version of your role. Quite simply this is a narcissistic thing to do as what you are communicating is a presumption that the other person should just be naturally interested in you despite knowing nothing about you. Be very wary of profiles filled with “should be” or “will be” type statements as the person has already completely objectified anyone that might be interested and often in a complete delusional and unrealistic way.

A person doing this can be either a narcissist, misguided, self obsessed, a player or just poorly thought out their approach. If you did that, re-think your approach and why did you do your profile like that. Most common answer to what makes up a good profile on a personal site is one where the person communicates who they are and what they are looking for. Adding on for a power exchange site to include what they are about and what they are looking for in this area in addition to the regular person stuff. There are probably plenty of exceptions but none of them are a short essay about your perfect other when the person clicks on your profile wanting to know about you.

Did Cyber Betray Femdom?

Hi my name is Jen. I am a female dominant. I also have some deep dark secrets. You see I like sex and I like kinky things like giving pain, humiliation, tying people up and cuckolding my slave. Now in my younger days maybe I was footloose and fancy free, falling into the wrong crowd and indulging in these things with my time in local communities mostly with my now ex slave/husband that we were together for over thirteen years. Now in the past year I have dipped my toe back into the single life through the new populace thing called the Internet it seems I was doing it all wrong and should maybe seek professional medical help to fix the error of my ways.

The preceding paragraph was written in the intent of being completely sarcastic. But I did put genuine truth in there that in the past year being the really first time I hit the Internet for this life and was genuinely stunned at what I found. Reading personal ads from other female dominants, various message boards and a few blogs it seem to be a “real” female dominant then one pretty much must be quite dismissive of sex and absolutely be very dispassionate to the point of being quite annoyed that kinky things are or might be done in a femdom relationships. I was disappointed that many of the male submissives seemed to take pride in how weak of human beings they were and pretended/lied that they had no other interests but to please a Mistress.

Chicken or the Egg?

Maybe someone can tell me which came first to cause this new world of female domination where female dominants were not suppose to have passion for the life in controlling a man with all the tools that make even more fun to do so and what happen to men that were submissive AND had sex on the brain? So is it many female dominants in cyber space dispassionate complainers or they feel it is the only way to portray the life to avoid male players? So are so many male submissives this pathetic and weak they cannot stand up for themselves or are they putting on an act because the woman posing as female dominants will only deal with them if they act like non normal males?

Because I do not get it at all. You can do power exchange with little kinky things or none at all if you are not into them. You can find male submissives with low sex drives if you have a low sex drive as well. When did it become rare or not cool to enjoy sex and have passion for some of the kinky things even to the point of having some fetishes?

Making female dominants look weak and like losers!

Now I am a big fan maybe you could call me a disciple of Elise Sutton. Now she writes in a way too broad of “all men” and I despise the term “female supremacy” unless it is in a playful way. But her philosophy is using the male for whom he is which for many is sex on the brain or as she likes to put it control a man through his cock. But cyber seems to try to pound into everyone that we should not only not control a man through his cock but it is practically a sin to acknowledge a male submissive has one. This troubles me greatly because to me this is not an enlightened thought.

Women throughout human history have used our feminine charms and the males drive to have them to get things we wanted and needed. To me this concept certainly falls into controlling them and therefore in the power exchange dynamic as well. Throughout history all women and my previous experience this includes female dominants have dealt with the horny male without ending all frazzled and wounded to want to dismiss men offhand. Also did we not have a hellacious fight as women to claim our sexuality over the centuries to stand up for liking sex and wanting to be sexually satisfied? It troubles me that the cyber female dominant seems to want to throw that away so easily.

In My Opinion

I have formed an opinion that actual female dominants (which I will define as ones that go out and live power exchange relationships in real life to whatever degree) have let the anonymity of the Internet and our own laziness to let the bored or damaged women posing as female dominants control the message of femdom. Because to me the message I have read in the past year is being a female dominant is hard because men think with their cocks and we shall not take any man serious until sex and this cock thing is totally dismissed. That because we are too lazy to deal with men we force men to lie and not be themselves which causes us more problems and more things to complain about until we all have swallowed the pill of deluding ourselves. That there are no decent male submissives out there or maybe more importantly no potential great male slaves out there once I get a hold of one.

My time in local communities way back when that now I wonder if it was in the prehistoric ages we as a group would have laughed off female dominants promoting this life about all about me being served and spoiled. Please prove to me you are a sincere man by doing all of my domestic chores, other labor projects and spend a lot of money on me and maybe I will spank you. Just the same way we would have laughed off men acting totally week and fictional in terms of not wanting anything or having any interest but one unselfish one would be called out as players. But it seems like today we embrace this.

Why have we let bored and damaged women frame what we are about and the joy and passion of female led relationships? Why are we letting women who pretty much throw their life away with instant messaging and finding any forum to male bash run the show? Men reading this why do you bow down to women that have had a profile up for months or years but have not been in a relationship during that time? I was on for less then a month and found plenty of men to be sincere and interesting enough to lose the masks of cyber and venture forward. It does not mean they all would have been princes if I kissed them but I was out to find one for real life.

Yes there are plenty of male players out there and many female ones as well. But when did we as female dominants become too afraid of them to let them run the show. Since when did being a female dominant leave us with an entitlement of any male interested in us should be a perfect finished model of male submissiveness to our utopian wishes. Way back when I started we expected the male species to have many rough edges and it was not only our desire and effort to turn this rough model into a beautiful finished model for ourselves it was a lot of the enjoyment. What happened!