Chastity IV: The Silent Half

The dominant’s effort and responsibility when chastity is used in the relationship

First a quick recap on what I have written before. In my opinion there are two types of people that are drawn to chastity. 1) People because of some combination of nurture and nature in their life have either zero or little sex drives or have issues with sex that they seek out a way to minimalize sex in their relationships. 2) People that use chastity for pleasure in terms of a more prolonged and consistent sexual energy in the relationship then up and down in the moment, the enjoyment of the sexual torment and as a power and devotion symbol.

The people of #1 I am not writing about but this entry is all about the people of #2. The submissive that wants or is willing to be chastised in some way is in essence willing to trade off orgasms for a more consistent sexual energy happening to them. In other words a more regular life of ignore sex, build up or get horny, have an orgasm and sexual energy goes poof and to be built up again. In other words again replace a roller coaster ride with a sports car going really fast down a highway.

But just withholding sex and having them not orgasm is not what chastity is or will work for these types of submissives. Like with pretty much every aspect of all types of relationships there is equal effort in some way that is needed from there other. For this type of chastity there needs to be sexual energy flowing through the relationship and sexual torment. Now I wrote about sexual torment in this post so I will not be going into great detail in this one.

The following are just unorganized aspects and thoughts on the dominants area of chastity:

1) Cuckolding – Since often chastity can be closely tied into cuckolding I did want to write about it a little. The typical stereotype of cuckolding is the woman making the man feel inadequate in bed seeks out bulls to satisfy her and slowly chastises her man. Well first that is of course a possibility but far from common in real life cuckolding situations but that does not mean chastity as a short term and in a tormented cannot be sweet in a cuckolding situation.

My two biggest issues of cyber fantasy cuckolding come into play 1) A woman to be with her lover/husband is going to respect and care for him and this will make cutting him off completely just not realistic for many reasons I have written before on. 2) A woman who is into sex enough to busy her life up with a bull(s) will be a woman into sex. As one such woman I am not going to eliminate the one cock that is the most readily available to me.

But for those into chastity cuckolding can be a good thing if the people want and can handle it. Cuckolding in most forms brings great sexual torment and energy into a relationship. One of the great byproducts of actively cuckolding a man on an ongoing basis is that the trap many couples of all types in long term relationships can fall into and that is rendering all sex and sexual atmosphere type things to the bedroom. With cuckolding that often stops being the case as the woman is actively engaging in sexual thoughts and energy outside their bedroom. The other bonus to cuckolding in a chastity situation it allows the woman to have a more well rounded and satisfying sex life. Woman do not always think oral is better or an ok substitution for good old penetration.

2) Subtle, quick and easy needs to be embraced – It is unfortunate but the dominant’s side to chastity is often relegated to the defense of not having to work or compare it to work to provide sexual energy and atmosphere in order for the chastity to take. What usually happens is how most things in this life get preached against and torpedoed by just communicating worse case scenarios.

But the fact is creating sexual energy in a relationship can be easy to do. In a chastity situation it is a necessity as that is what the submissive needs to get a positive and enjoyable outcome to their chastity. Fortunately one of the strongest byproducts of chastity makes this easier to do then without chastity. The man’s sexual thoughts and desires being more consistent and pronounced make even some of the simplest things to register great impact.

This is why the argument of sexually tormenting a chastised man takes too much time and energy does not hold merit with me. Here are just a few things that take no time or effort yet will feed the man for hours on end in his chastity and sexual torment:

1) Unbutton a few buttons on the blouse and show some cleavage in situations wear you normally do not. Bonus torture by occasionally fondling your own tits or lighting touching one of your nipples along with any verbal teasing.

2) In the morning before your slave goes to work maybe press your body into him and describe just how horny you are (even if you are not) in a graphic manner then turn away. Bonus points if you can do it in a way that you are naked or dressed in a sexy way and for those into humiliation and degradation when describing your horniness make sure to throw in a line about needing a real man.

3) When just sitting on the couch doing nothing much together place your hand on his crotch and just play with his cock randomly like you might escalate to a sexual encounter. A foot doing the same thing does wonders too.

It took me about thirty seconds to think up three things that combined might take thirty seconds of extra time out of the day to do but the affect and benefit for the slave is exponentially greater. There just is no excuse for a mistress to not keep her slave sexually tormented along with his chastity and time or effort are really poor excuses. Heck try it and you might find out how much fun it can be!

Short term versus long term chastity

This is a compatibility thing that I do not want to get too repetitive with. First to what is short term to long term for any two people can be different. For me it is tough to go longer then a week with out wanting my slave sexually in a bad way. The longest I ever managed was three and a half weeks. So I am not the best person to advise on long term situations but since when did that stop someone in cyber writing like a know it all?

So here are some of my thoughts:

1) Short term or long term does not really make much of a difference in terms of the sexual torment. If you from the start claim it is going to be long term then some of the teasing of will I or won’t I get lucky today can come off not as effective as one would like. There are different aspects to sexual teasing and tormenting, teasing to just arouse, denial, pulling the football away as he is about to kick it for Lucy fans and many ways to go about that you need to give thought to if they help the situation or potentially hurt the situation.

For instance you cannot keep promising potential sexual release if he does that or is a good boy and then not ever give it to him. Because at some point he will just stop buying into what you are describing and resentment and other negative feelings will begin to build.

2) The male will still have a sexual need and an emotional need to have sex with you. Men are not that different then woman and intimacy through sex is something they do get and want at least sometimes. Whether you can sub something if you go for a long term thing or not but remember that it is your relationship and not a contest where there is a winner based on how long.

3) There is torment from a pure sexual aspect and torment that while sexually based can also play on the mind of the man. The longer you chastise a man the more it has to be more about just sexual and less specifically about the man. For instance if you do cuckold your man and go for a longer term chastity thing a constant not a real man or he cannot satisfy you can start to erode your relationship. That stuff is some awesome fun for two compatible people but at some point most men will have doubt creep into their mind that their mistress truly does not have any interest in them sexually. Personally for me I feel there is a big difference between having sexual feelings and pleasure from other men and your slave then just having sexual pleasure from anyone but your slave.

4) Do not ever forget to bring your sexuality and attitude of joy of sex and your sexuality when chastising your man. Part of the dangers of chastity is for either partner really to think the other is not into sex or into them sexually. That can cause damage in a relationship. The best torments are the ones that show the greatest dichotomies so if you prevent sexual pleasure and release for your slave it is most tormenting for them to see you indulge in your sexuality and sexual pleasure.

I really believe that this is good advice for all women and heck men to a certain extent in terms of in all types of relationships. Most women can get emotionally destroyed when their man seems to lose sexual feelings for them so male slaves if anything is a more so situation in wanting their mistress to communicate I am a sexual woman.

Remember for men that embrace chastity that have normal or high sex drives is not to diminish sex and a sexual atmosphere in their relationships but in fact to heighten the sexual atmosphere and feelings in a more consistent way. They are not channeling their sex drive over to their obedience and thoughtfulness drives but they are learning and doing is being obedient and thoughtful while all sexually hot and bothered. But they are in fact substituting orgasms for this added sexuality and that means for their sexual needs and desires to be met means for their mistress to embrace and make sure their sexuality and communication of that is expressed quite loudly. It is their slave’s fuel and the teasing and tormenting to be usually the most effective delivery system.

Chastity III: Locking Them Up

Chastity devices to me represent the strangeness of the whole chastity thing between a man and a woman in a femdom relationship. The men that benefit/enjoy being put into one tend to be the men that want to be sexually tormented. But the compatible women that do sexual torment tend to be sexual, like sex and therefore like a cock in its natural state.

So let us break this down for the good and bad points.

Good things about chastity devices:

1) Builds trust. I mean if your man is wearing one he is not cheating and depending on your situation if not able to easily get it off without discovery he not even masturbating.

2) They can help the slave relax, not stress out, remove temptation and focus. These of course are all good things and in particular if done right the removal of doing things just to get laid and actually doing things to make their mistress happy can be a wonderful thing.

3) Even when the mistress is not there a chastity device is a constant reminder of the slave’s place and a source of sexual torment. Why chastity with sexual torment is a big thing for many male submissives is not that sex and a sexual atmosphere is turned off. No, what many of these men enjoy is sex and a sexual atmosphere is being prolonged in often a more intense way. So instead of peaks and valleys based on the last time they came in terms of sexual desires it is more flat in nature and on the strong desire/pleasant side.

4) Not out of sight therefore not out of mind. Whether seeing it, feeling it or maybe hearing it, with a chastity device it can be a nice reminder to us mistresses that we have a slave to sexually torment when sometimes we may get caught up too much in regular life. Our levels of submission and dominance fluctuate based on the variables of life that we can and cannot control. Things that help boost these feelings within us that do not take away energy or other things are good to have in a power exchange relationship.

5) For men not into being chastised or wear a device an excellent punishment. One cannot do this as the only punishment and to be careful not to use it as a crutch or more for the mistress’s convenience. But when the punishment fits the crime this one is a nice focus on what happen type thing.

Bad things about chastity devices:

1) For men who are too much wanting this they can in effect make his cock the center of the relationship and can objectify the female dominant. The men who obsess over wearing these devices have to be careful to remember their cock is a big part of the relationship but not the biggest or the center of the relationships universe. This problem is the biggest I have seen in my time when men really want to wear a chastity device for their mistress.

2) They are not appealing on the eyes. Sorry but the device in many ways is one big burdensome thing for a loving relationship.

3) The overall effect of a man wearing a device for significant stretches is problematic and wastes time and energy a mistress might not want to waste. Sorry but if not with your man a lot of time there has to be safety plans, there are hygiene issues and for me personally they can interfere greatly with a sexual moment if I got to deal with the device when I do not want it on my man. They can hurt spontaneity a great deal.

4) They do not feel great for a woman and deprived us of many other good feelings. They are not very fun when cuddling on a guys lap and wiggling. Forget a tight spooning cuddle in bed. Forget your hand fondling your slave’s cock out of sexual enjoyment or torment.

5) They are simply limiting. Regular life can be tough enough on our sex lives but through in obstacles we put in it ourselves can be a bad issue. A man that you cannot see his hard cock by looking at you or things that sometimes lead to sex can mean less sex and hey for women, even those who complain, a man’s response to them sexually is still a flattering thing on a decent level.

My personal tastes toward chastity devices

Most reading this and if you have been reading my blog could probably guess I am not a big fan of chastity devices and have that much regard for any prolonged chastity for my slave. Hard to believe by the way femdom is often communicated but there are female dominants that really like sex and for many like me we like cock! I like to see my slave’s in its natural state aroused or flaccid. I like to be able to feel it when my body is in contact with it and not some plastic thing. I want to be able to feel it when my hand slides down there to have some fun and I want to be able to suck on his cock when I want to.

For me personally I do not want to fumble around with a key or take the time to take the device off when wanting his cock.  But I am not a fit with a man that wants prolonged chastity in his femdom relationship and/or desires to wear a device outside of sex and a few other circumstances.

Now I do use a chastity device for changing things up and can get pleasure from doing so. I will also use one for a punishment if I think it is the best way to punish. But for me outside of short periods here and there I find chastity devices to be too limiting and more of a pain then a plus when you take the relationship as a whole into consideration.

There is nothing wrong with a slave’s desire to wear such a device. Just be sure you males out there reading this to remember to obsess about this can lead to objectifying a potential mistress which will get you shot down. But maybe more importantly remember while there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a constant sexual torment or reminder of it in your life to make sure you are not just in an ironic way making your cock the center of your relationship.

In part four I will talk about ways to sexually torment a man when we decide to chastise him.

Chastity II: Compatibility

When chastity is brought up in discussions more often then not it gets talked about in terms of safety, cuckolding, long term versus short term and a good male submissive/slave is one the can do it and do well by it. I am going to toss off safety as I may or may not write on the subject in the future and even then it will be brief. To me cuckolding is in the family of what I am going to talk about and is not separate from basic types of chastity. What do I think needs to be communicated that gets lost when the focus is there are two major ways chastity appeals to the participants of it and those that want to participate. These are either sexual torment or to remove or minimalize sex/sexuality in the relationship.

Compatibility between the two people involved is critical if chastity is to be a major theme in your relationship. What chastity is not is some competition or self esteem boost by a male submissive to think the longer without the cooler they are or making their cock the center of the relationship. At the same time chastity for a female dominant is not a way to get out of making sure their submissive/slave sexual needs are met or if choosing the torment approach, doing nothing but not letting him orgasm or locking him in a device and the female doing nothing else.

So let us look at the two ways chastity can be worked into a relationship:

1) Minimalize sex and sexuality within the relationship

This is pretty straight forward. For reasons with both parties they have a desire to have a chastised male where really neither are getting anything out of the situation but maybe relief of some level of anxiety and stress that sexuality and sex if in a complete and devoted relationship. There are also reasons for this type of chastity in lesser relationships but get trickier and I will mention the most common type.

Then who are the people that prefer a chaste slave?

a) People with low or zero (asexual) sex drives. These are people that are looking for devoted relationships that may or may not include emotional intimacy. But they do not have the sex drive to have that fulfilled and come to desire a chastity relationship in order to get out of what is a major thing in most couples relationships. Quite simple for these people this appeals to them as a way to get out of having to perform something they have little interest and relieve them of the guilt for being that way. This can very well be for both the dominant and submissive to have this as a driving force to but the man in chastity.

b) People that in some way have been sexually damaged. The reasons can be from some sort of abuse history, bad experiences with sex in their previous sexual history, some sort of medical situation, performance anxiety issues and probably others things I have not thought of. These people may have sexual drives and find pleasure in sex when alone but when with someone their issues prevent them from either enjoying it, become to stress out to perform or have a bad mental reaction to it. Just like with a above they can be drawn to this life and desire chastity to get intimacy while avoiding the sexual needs that a more regular relationship normally will thrust at them.

c) People repressing their sexual desires that go toward same sex attraction. Pretty straight forward as not everyone that has these feelings will act on them and plenty because of society as a whole, family and their religion choose to bury it inside them. For many in mainstream relationships this leads to a sparse at best sex life and often blows up in their face. But again some can see a power exchange relationship and include chastity in it as a way to divert and minimalize sex.

d) The woman is getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Now I am not so much talking about cuckolding but more often talking about a married woman who owns a slave that is not her husband. This is also something quite common with couples looking for a free servant and one or both do not want the third involved in a sexual relationship with them. They are expecting total devotion by the slave but are not interested in the responsibility of someone with a normal or above sex drive getting their needs met.

Of course very rarely in public discussion and often in private one on one discussions will you get any of these types of people to be honest about their motivations for chastity. Heck for many they are simply in a denial and do not know why themselves. But it is very simple that most of these people turn to chastity to justify their preference or to self medicate. We all want to be accepted as not too far out of the norm and are especially sensitive when it comes to sex. We often as human beings choose to try to bend people to our needs and desires rather then admitting to ourselves if we are not in the normal area and seek out someone that fits.

This type can be both long term and short term although more often then not the desire of the people driven by this tends to go on the long term. But that does not mean they will not do short term and just use chastity to still minimalize sex in their relationship.

2) Use chastity as a way to sexually torment their slave for pleasure, control, productivity and more times then not some combination of the three.

This is going to usually be the one you find more often then not in long term healthy and happy relationships just simply from the fact that most people function and enjoy sex on some level so that of course transfers through to power exchange. For those that tie in chastity to cuckolding this to me is just one aspect but is in the overall family of sexual torment.

For chastity to be sexual torment to me it has to meet the following criteria:

a) Expressly communicated that the male is being intentionally denied an orgasm. It is not chastity if the male just does not know when he will get laid again because his woman shows no interest in sex or says no when approached to.

b) The woman communicates why, what and how during his chastity. So communicate chastity to motivate obedience, inform the slave it brings her great pleasure to do so, communicate how it is going to go down and things of this nature.

c) People consider chastity to be a mutually active participation activity. In other words the sexual tormenting the slave combined with the lack of release is often very out there and active in the relationship. This is where many my fellow female dominants fail and cost them good relationships and good slaves. It is the sexual tormenting that helps the men with getting their sexual needs and desires met or in short term be at a higher level of obedience. The men are in essence trading quantity of orgasms for quality and quantity of a sexual energy in the relationship by not losing their needs and getting a hit in the submissive level by their balls getting drained.

Let us discuss the motivations of using chastity to sexually torment a man.

a) For pleasure. Simple for a female it can be just fun to do. For a man what I wrote just above stands as they are trading orgasms for longer and more intense in the sexual atmosphere of the relationship. Chastity for sexual torment often means an actual acceptance of the man’s cock and balls being important and not being dismissive of them.

b) Control the man’s cock you control the man period. For those not just weaned from internet delusional theory of submissive people are either selfless wonders of the world or are fake do me frauds, there was once and even now and then you can find it now that controlling a man by controlling his cock was the way to go. Where one did not wish for a man that had no sexual needs but wished for a man that was constantly horny because they were so beyond easy to control that it prevented the wishful thinking disease.

c) Motivation This could have been lumped in with b as it is probably more similar then different. Both dominants and submissive are not always on the same level/energy to be actively dominant or submissive and for some men obedience through short term chastity allows them to bridge the gap between where they want or need to be based on submission level and therefore obedience.

You can sexually torment a man by him being chaste both long term and short term but it depends on the how and motivations for doing so. Long term chastity does not work if the main motivations are for control and motivation. The human brain works like just any other animals brain and when there ceases to be a thought that today is the day or it is so infrequent then the male's motivation to be obedient to a high level will cease and often resentment or questioning the real reasons of the relationship. But you can have long term chastity situations where it is used as a sexual torment that brings pleasure to both as part of their sex life. But this again requires actively engaging the male in tormenting him so this gets his sexual needs sated and not just chastity and nothing.

It is vital if one desires chastity whether long term or short term that they figure out which type they are and seek out someone similar. Because if two people are not compatible when one goes looking at the motivations and desires for chastity then it will more often then not blow up in the people’s faces.

In part three I will dive into chastity devices in terms of the good, bad and my preferences.

Chastity I: Women’s Sexuality

I have wanted to write in detail about the topic of chastity in general for awhile. When thinking about how I wanted to go about writing the post it became clear that I could try to write all what I wanted to include and have a massive post going everywhere or I could separate it to multiple posts and chose the latter.

So what does a woman’s sexuality have to do with chastity? Well when in a relationship it kind of has a big deal to do about it. Most chastity discussion that I have ever read either has very narrow scope of all about the man’s penis or as part of cuckolding often the fantasy of finding a great bull and cutting the man off completely. Well, the thing is what a woman, especially a mistress, wants, needs and desires in her sexual life is going to be huge in how if chastity is in the relationship how it will go down. This is not meant to be the tell all of female sexuality but more just information I want to relate that will go toward chastity in the relationship.

Mixed signals

Women are bombarded by mixed messages and feelings the day puberty hits us if not sooner. On the one hand we are told not to be sluts and good girls do not do stuff. On the other hand we have urges just like men and are being told also to be proud of our bodies and caring for someone includes giving affection to them. Heck, this is even before any discussion of peer pressure even gets thrown into the mix.

The way we dress is one bizarre scenario after another. A woman can wear a bikini by a pool or beach and no one thinks much of it but if a woman wears short shorts and a shirt that shows off a midriff and cleavage on the way to a beach she is dressed as a slut. Wear something that shows off a nice body and some high heals in the wrong way or time she is a skank but high heels and a cocktail dress showing more skin but at a social event is sexy.

Actual sex though is the epitome of society’s mixed message for women. We are of course suppose to love sex when with the person we are with and have feelings for but at the same time we are to try to communicate that we like sex only when with them then just sex in general. We are at the same time suppose to be skilled and creative enough in bed to rock our man’s world but still try to act as virginal as we can.

Women are not water tight compartmentalized our emotions and mind frame count a lot.

Most men if we were to toss away society and relationship rules when horny could fuck pretty much anyone on a moments notice for the most part in terms of if a woman was to go down on them they would get hard and cum. For a woman that is not an automatic and if not in a decent mind frame in addition to being horny will not just easily get to the fun place. You can read, hear and listen to women who all the time who communicate that good sex and orgasms are as much a mental thing as a physical one. Our emotions do count for something.

Whether nurture or nature we tend to be more affectionate and sexually open/turned on the happier we are and when our heart is engaged. We also because of society teachings often connect our other’s love and happiness with us by how much they want to be affectionate and sexual with us. In essence a man always all over us for sex even when we are not in the mood is still way better then the man who stops touching us. Most women want to be considered/made to feel very sexually desirable.

Let us discuss sex and sexual drives

Ask a woman, read surveys or whatever but in terms of actual sex what they may prefer or need. While most, not all, will list oral sex as a thing that is very much enjoyed most will still want intercourse. Whether they prefer it to oral sex in some degree or quite simply besides the physical pleasure of a good fucking there is a very strong emotional connection/feeling gotten from being sexually penetrated either to feel love for the man doing it or just to feel like a woman in some way in the mind.

Because of the mixed signals I wrote about above, people who have suffered bad relationships or at least bad relationships at the end of them and the many female dominants and couples who go looking for free labor that the fact that women have sex drives can be forgotten. Well we women do have sex drives and they can range to the same degree as men from zero/asexual to anytime and anywhere please. For those with sex drive let us say average or more forget what relationship dynamic you have with your other and understand that these women a satisfying sex life of quantity and quality is something they want in their life.

What the hell has this to do with chastity?

I believe chastity is a cruel joke played on men and women who are drawn to it. To be in a relationship with love and in long term that is complete in terms of each others devotion and commitment to each other is complete means that both the man and woman’s sexual needs and desires get met in the relationship. So while the average male wants to be put in chastity they still want for the most part to have orgasms at some time and to be sexually tormented is sexually very satisfying to them. A woman may enjoy chastity by the fun of sexually tormenting their lover or to control their man they still have a sex drive of their own to get quenched.

So one can maybe see why chastity is a complex thing in a relationship when people want it? A woman may want chastity for their man whether short term or long term. Oral sex to satisfy them from a sexual and intimate needs and desires standpoint maybe good enough for some women but most are probably going to want intercourse the happier and hornier they are while also this emotionally feeds us and makes us feel closer to a man. Cuckolding is of course an option but some if not a very high percentage of women are one man woman very naturally and even those that may not be wired for that still have to leap over society hurdles.

It is easy to throw out chastity out of an interest or motivation for something and work back the reasons into a solid theory. Often when we read these theories they have just thought of the man, heck even people like me who believe control the man through his cock tend to be often too one note. But the woman’s sexual desires and needs play a pivotal role in how chastity will play out in a relationship for where it is desired. A woman’s sexuality is complex with mixed signals and not to be dismissed when thinking how chastity is to work in the relationship.

Part two will be about the two ways I see chastity used from a compatibility stand point between men and women.